Rant number one: Confessions of a Former Suethor

By: Comrade Bickazer Blue

Rating: PG-PG13, depending on the amount of foul language and crass references I choose to use. Fine, PG13 to be safe.

Warnings: Mild cussing, crass references, complete, utter, flaming and torching of Mary Sues.

Bickazer's Notes: Yes, I finally got round to writing my series of Mary Sue rambles. One thing you may need to know is that this is extremely casual. I'm not writing this in any particular order, nor are the chapters "themed" or anything. Since I'm horrible at that kind of thing, I've decided to turn this into nothing more than a collection of rambling rants about whatever MS-esque subject is troubling my mind currently. So expect to see very little organization here. Also, the chapter title is my no means what the entire rant is about. It is merely the subject I will start off with. I may deviate from that subject and I don't care.

Yes, I will be harsh and yes, I will flame. I don't feel sorry about it. Mary Sues annoy me to no end and no mercy must be shown to them and those who create them. Just kidding. Every Suethor can be redeemed, as I will prove in this chapter.

Sit back, and enjoy the ride!

She's beautiful. She's smart. She's good at everything.

She's evil and everyone outside the realm of the Suethor's story hates her.

She's Mary Sue.

Yeah, yeah. You all know. The classic stuff-how evil and annoying Mary Sues are, the different kinds of Mary Sues. ::yawn:: Aren't we all so sick of that kind of thing?

I don't know about you, but I am.

So therefore, I've decided to start off this rant on an entirely different leg. I am not going to stand on a pulpit bellowing, "MARY SUES ARE THE AGENTS OF SATAN! KILL ALL SUETHORS!" I will get down into the dirty, and unleash a confession upon you, my faithful (if any) readers. I'll confess:

I was once a Suethor.

This was back when I started , when I was only a little eleven-year-old, clueless yet acting as if she knew everything. I thought, back then, that I "hated" Mary Sues, but I was a poor, unknowing fool. You see, I wrote Mary Sues. Yet, I was dumb enough not to think that they were Mary Sues. One reviewer, if I can remember correctly, said, "Wow ur OCs arent Mary Sues they kick ass!" or something along those lines. Even in my story, I was fool enough to whine shit like, "They're not Mary Sues" and believe it or not, every last one of my idiot reviewers agreed with me.

They must have all been naive, oblivious eleven-year-olds too.

The first Mary Sue I created, and, I confess, the only one I can really remember now, was a Beyblade Mary Sue. Back then, I was a rabid Beyblade fan-thankfully. I'm so glad I wasn't in my Suethor stage when I became an extreme Yuugiou otaku, or poor little Kaiba would've been very sad indeed.

::ahem:: Back to the topic. Anyhow, my dearest, precious Mary Sue was a Beyblade Sue, and as all Beyblade Sues go, she was a marvelous blader. Her beyblade, if I can remember correctly, was light blue, and was called Poseidon (I think there really is a sacred spirit by that name. Am I right?) It talked to her, of course, and...well. Her name was Olivia and she looked basically like a female version of Olivier-yet she hated Olivier. Okay, back then I was still a dubbie so I called him "Oliver" still, but you get the point. What I'm trying to say is that I modeled my Mary Sue off of my most hated character at the time (now I hate Kai the most), and she hated Olivier as well. Obviously, I thought that it was "clever" or "ironic". It wasn't. It was...stupid.

Deviating from the rant a little bit, I must confess that now, I like Olivier. I think he's funny. He's such a fruit...

Okay, okay. Back to the rant. I'm sorry-being a spastic girl who has the attention span of a goldfish, I can't write a real, focused essay, so bear with me. Anyhow, this Olivia of mine looked like Olivier, hated him, had a blue Beyblade called Poseidon, and of course, was a marvelous blader. She was twelve-I made her at a comfortable age; older than me, but not too much that she would be intimidating. She supposedly had "my" personality-though if she really did, she'd be a lazy, unmotivated Yuugiou fan who ate all day and spewed flame wars all day on the 4Kids TV message boards and who laughed at her sister's flash animations of Yami Marik laughing evilly. As you can probably guess, she didn't. She was a smart-aleck, annoying idiot who constantly spewed "cool" phrases I heard off various other shows like Medabots, or even lines from Beyblade. I ripped those lines off to show my admiration for them, but in retrospect, most of those lines I ripped off are just plain stupid. But since I was just plain stupid back then, I suppose it fit.

Also, continuing on Olivia's "personality" (actually, she had a pretty unique personality for a Sue, but was still a Sue nonetheless). She was, as I said, annoying, meddlesome, and thought that she was the best in the world. Strangely enough, she also knew a weird brand of magic and would constantly use it to get her way. Olivia basically acted like a total spoiled brat. She annoyed Kai all the time, calling him her "bishounen" (bishounen? Bleh. Kai's an idiot), though thankfully I never got far enough in the story to put them together. Actually, I never meant to put them together; I just wanted Olivia to fan over Kai or something. At least I was realistic in that aspect.

Actually, Olivia is what I'd dub a "fangirl Sue"-the embodiment of all the annoying fangirl's hopes and dreams. Well, all self-inserts (yes, Olivia was a self-insert) are like that. Olivia acted like your basic rabid fangirl-hyper, annoying, and lacking in brain cells, but she was "jazzed up" a little bit by her "magic powers" and "l33t blading skills". She was always in control of the situation and knew a greaty many of things that the canon characters did not. She also swore like a sailor, which is pretty retarded, however, I cannot condemn this act of hers because I still swear like a sailor-the only difference is because I now swear in real life, not just in fanfics. I can't help it. It's all the fault of the stupid rejects at my school. They curse all the time and I can't help but pick it up.

Olivia also had a few sidekicks vaguely based off my current circle of friends at that time, however, I have forgotten most of their names, personalities, and appearances, which I suppose is a good thing. I do remember that the group was called the "Elementals", they had various element Beyblades (Olivia's was water) that could combine to form even more powerful bitbeasts or whatever (ROTFLOL "Polymerization!"), and they were supposedly "unbeatable". Sounds Mary-Sue-ish to you? I'd hope it does. If it doesn't and you say, "WOW I THINK TAHTS SO COL1!111111 OMG WTF HAY I HAEV A TEM OF GIRLS 2 AND THEY KIK BUT1!11 OMG LOL ONE OF TH3M IS KA'ES LONG-LOST GIRLFREIND!1!1 WTF LOL", then you are a Suethor. No questions asked.

I wrote various stories about Olivia, and posted them on my old account, of which I have forgotten the name (damn!). However, that account has been "suspended", or so the admins say, but I haven't been able to get on it for over a year, I'm certain. My new account you will find under the name of "Comrade Bickazer Blue". Well, I'm glad that my old account was suspended because there was nothing I particularly liked on it. I only miss all of my favorite stories and authors. ::sigh:: Anyhow, if I can remember, here are several of the stories (titles only APPROXIMATIONS) that Olivia featured in:

Icy Eternity-Some weird story about Kai being an ice sprite or crap. Olivia and the Elementals were in it but they played no definite role.

Could it Be?-Some story where Kai and Tala went to Olivia's school and shit. Luna C. (from the AMSA-you remember the AMSA, don't you?) flamed me on it...heh heh. Now, in retrospect, I'm glad I got that flame, though I hate the damn AMSA, which I'll cover in later rants.

Dammit, I Forgot the Title!-No, that's not what it was called. I really did forget the title here. I do remember it was an AU fic where Olivia was an enchantress who lived on a mountain or something and was training Tala as her apprentice.

Finally, this titleless story I never put up on (I wrote it in a notebook) that I consider to be my key Olivia story, the one where I get most of my references about Olivia's personality and crap out of. It was about Olivia entering the Beyblade Regional Qualifier and blading Kai and stuff...she did some spells and spewed dumb lines, if I can remember correctly. Maybe I consider this one to be my key Olivia story because it's the only one I have left. The rest went bye-bye and I'm happy they did. Now I can make a fresh start, no longer haunted by my dumb eleven-year-old self!

Yes, so I have confessed. Nevertheless, I choose to forget all about my Suethor days and move on into the future. Learning from my mistakes, you might say.

It is actually under my belief that everyone, everyone, EVERYONE (and that means you) has been through a Suethor stage. Almost everyone, at least. Anyhow, it's perfectly natural. We all have to experiment first, make mistakes, but that's part of life. The question now is whether you will accept and clean up your mistakes, or continue wallowing in them for the rest of your fanfiction life. Thankfully, most people grow out of the Suethor stage, as I have.

So if you were one a Suethor, don't feel ashamed. Same if you are a Suethor-don't worry, there's hope for you yet. That's why I oppose pure flaming and screaming "WE MUST KILL SUETHORS!", because I believe that every Suethor will, if given the proper encouragement, change for the better. Flaming them when they don't know what's wrong won't help a single thing, as I can testify. Forgiveness is a virtue, and therefore, we must forgive the Suethors for their crimes and help them live a good, happy, meaningful life after they have renounced their crimes.

In the end, it is not the Suethors who are evil, but the characters they create themselves-the Mary Sues. They must be sporked, mutilated, killed, burned, sent to the Shadow Realm and back again, and subjected to my singing. Mary Sues are pure evil-there is no redemption for them. You cannot change a Mary Sue, I believe; you can only start anew from scratch, ditch all of your Mary Sues, and create new characters that are not Sues. I admit, every original character must have some form of Sueishness to them, but if the Sueishness is all the character is, then it is unforgivable.

So thus, I conclude my first rant. Ouch. My fingers hurt.

::pumps fist in air:: Henceforth, I declare my first random ramble to be concluded! Expect a second one from me in a year or two! Yessirree. Please read and review. Also, I might need a beta reader and...yeah. If the rant proved to be too wandering and rambly for your tastes, then, well, tough nails. If you were extremely offended because you're a rabid Suethor Supporter, tough nails too. This is an anti-Mary Sue rant, what did you expect? If you could not understand a single bit of my essay besides this part: "WOW I THINK TAHTS SO COL1!111111 OMG WTF HAY I HAEV A TEM OF GIRLS 2 AND THEY KIK BUT1!11 OMG LOL ONE OF TH3M IS KA'ES LONG-LOST GIRLFREIND!1!1 WTF LOL", then you are a Suethor and must be changed. If you thought my rant was educational, enlightening, and nicely quirky, then you got a stale cookie.