Handbook for the Paranoid Dater
-A Cindy Moon Creation-
A Best Friends Guide to Dating
You're a best friend aren't you? You're really close to your friend right? You'd never let anything bad happen to your friend correct? You only want what's best for your bestest best friend. So, what do you do when your friend starts dating people you don't know? What if it's someone that wasn't part of your set up? Are you the paranoid type unceasingly worried about cheaters, backstabbers, stalkers, and/or stalkers? Follow this dating guide and insure only the best for your friend!
So first to see if other people are worthy of dating your friend you must administer the test. Here for you convenience is an application and some sample interview questions. The test consists of 5 parts (give or take a few depending how much you want to torture/test a particular person.
Part One: The Application (Which is provided for you at the end of this document) Have the one being tested fill out an application attached with a non-refundable application fee. Have that person pay 1500 dollars to each member on the panel and the application is waived.
Part Two: Interview with Panel (Sample questions provided at the end of this document.) This is an interview process in which you and other members of your select group question the person that wants to date your friend. Interview questions may vary between applicants
Part Three: Modeling/Talent Competition. Make sure this person is fully worthy of your friend. See to it this person is the right person. After the modeling and talent competition proceed to take mug shots, fingerprints, and a DNA sample for the file.
Part Four: The Essay. If needed administer the essay. This is a persuasive essay; in exactly 1000 words describe why you would be the perfect person to date my friend.
Part Five: Simon Says. This tests the submissiveness of the applicant. Test is optional.
Lastly, explain to the applicant your own specific rules on dating and be sure to mention the consequences of hurting your friend. "If you break her/his heart, I'll break your body." Or something like that.
Bonus material (not included with conventional test, can be added):
The Music Test
The Game Night (Approved games included: Monopoly, Cranium, soccer and various card games. A person's true personality can be revealed in a healthy, competitive environment.)Application
Please pay upfront a non-refundable 20-dollar application fee. The panel does not take any responsibility for any emotional discomfort you might experience. The information on this application is completely confidential unless an outside party made a payment plan for the information. Please be prepared to disclose your medical, traffic, and criminal records. Due to recent entanglements, a new age restriction policy does apply. Call the hotline at 666-4444 for more information. Thank you for your patronage.
FULL name and any other aliases:
Home phone/Cell phone:
Hobbies/Things you'd put on a college application:
Name of person you will be dating:
Knowledge of person you will be dating:
Do you suffer from these symptoms? If so, place a check mark to the left of the item.
Check all that apply
Anger Management Problems
LAS (Long Attention Span)
NAS (Normal Attention Span)
OCD 2 (Orange County Dysfunction)
ODD (Oddly Deformed Disposition)
PMS (Pissy Male Syndrome)
SAS (Short Attention Span)
Short Term Memory Loss
Things that won't be tolerated:
1.) Drug Using
3.) Dieting (We must approve of the diet you are on if you cannot stop. A diet can be provided one for you. We offer the fat fast diet complete with lard injection and a condiments diet.)
I, (insert name), by my own will do fill out this application. I understand that the panel will not be liable for anything that will happen to me. I also understand that any member of the panel can access any information given on the application at any given time. That information is confidential, and will not be revealed to any other civilian unless payment is offered. If I do not comply with the regulations given by the club, I hereby rescind my rights to date anyone within the circle, and acknowledge that torture by whatever means is inevitable.
Signature (preferably in blood) Date:
The interview portion is very important in determining the eligibility of the potential friend dater. The interview gives you and select members of your inner circle the opportunity to know the applicant even better so make the most of it. Feedback to the applicant is strongly recommended. Intimidation tactics are also recommended. Think of investing in black attire, dark sunglasses, and briefcases. Have some balance in your interview panel by having at least one callous member who would find fault in all applicants. Making under-the-table deals with applicants by any member of the panel is frowned upon, but not prohibited. (Do so discreetly, and at your own risk)
1.) What is your projected commitment time? Guess too little and you need to pay overage charges. Guess too much and it'll be a waste.
2.) If cheese ruled the world, which would be the ultimate cheese?
3.) What's your worst quality and why? (Panel is to respond to every statement made by potential friend dater with various forms of "really?")
4.) What would you do on your dream date?
5.) What is your dream break-up?
6.) If you were a color/fruit/vegetable/fish/ what would you be and why?
7.) Name 15 fantastic qualities of (insert name of best friend here)
8.) Favorite musical?
9.) Are you now or have you ever been in the member of the Communist Party?
10.) Convert your height to metric units.
After an applicant has been granted permission to date your friend, follow-up measures must be taken. The testing process is not fool proof and human error does occur. Some tips include:
-befriending private investigators
-doing a quick background check on past girlfriends/boyfriends to prevent vindication
-familiarize yourself with restraining orders
-mandate relationship check-ups/group therapy