Prisoner 1: I'm bored.


I said…

Prisoner 2:(Interrupts) I heard you the first time!


Prisoner 1:Can't we do something?

Prisoner 2:Like what?

Prisoner 1:I dunno… something constructive.

Prisoner 2:(Sarcastically) Yeah, what about a short blunt human pyramid!

Prisoner 1: No need to be mean.

Enter Guard

Guard:Typical, I always get the bad shifts… (Grumbling under breath)

Prisoner 2:Nice to see you too!

Guard:(Looks at him/her for a second) Shut it!

Prisoner 1:Charming!

Guard:Honestly, back in my day prisoners knew where they stood! A prison was a place to be feared! Dreaded! Avoided!

Prisoner 2: Oh yes, we're all queuing to get in these days!

Guard:This is just bricks & mortar. Bricks & mortar do not make a prison!

Prisoner 1:They sure help though!

Prisoners laugh

Guard:What are you in for anyway?

Prisoner 2:(Clears throat) Defenestration of governmental property & vandalism of official documents!


Prisoner 1:We threw a stapler out a window & made a paper airplane out of some MP's lunch list!

Guard:Why do a thing like that?

Prisoner 2:Why not?

Guard:Well…erm…I… it's just silly!

Prisoner 2:I could say the same about the sentence.

Prisoner 1:& that uniform of yours.

Guard:What's wrong with my uniform?

Prisoners look at each other

Prisoner 1:It's a bit over the top, what with the tie & all.

Guard: (Looks at tie) What's wrong with the tie?

Prisoner's pink!

Guard:I like pink!

Prisoner 2:Prisons, a place to be feared eh! Big black clumping boots, jacket concealing God knows how many clubs, sprays, etc…

Prisoner 1:But worst of all…PINK TIES!

P 1 & 2:(Shudders) Ooooooo!

Guard:Yes, yes, you made your point!


Prisoner 1:You wanna make a human pyramid?

Others look at him/her


Prisoner 2:I can't believe you just said that!

Guard:We made a human pyramid at my brother's birthday last year!

Prisoner 2:Don't encourage him/her!

Guard:It was such a laugh!

Prisoner 2:& this is hardly a birthday party!

Prisoner 1:Well let's do something!

Guard:Let's have a sing song!

Prisoner 2:(Puts his/her head in hands) Oh why me?

Prisoner 1 & Guard start to sing one-hundred green bottles. On reaching ninety eight they fade out & come back at two & finish off.

Prisoner 2:Well if that doesn't put you off crime I don't know what will!

Prisoner 1:I can't understand why you're being so grumpy.

Prisoner 2 stares blankly at Prisoner 1. He/she then makes a gesture to the room they are in.

Prisoner 2:(Whispers) Hey, I'm going to try & figure a way out, see if you can keep the guard distracted.

Prisoner 1:Erm, yea, so… you like stuff?

Guard:(Confused) Well, yes…

Prisoner 1:Do you know what we're having for breakfast?

Guard:Same as always.

Prisoner 1:(Disappointed) Dry toast & fre… orange. Why is the toast always dry?

Guard:Cheaper. They also say that butter contains chemicals which cause riots.

Prisoner 1:How on earth can you make a connection between butter & riots? That's just stupid.

Guard:No think about it, according to professor Dug, it contains sodium-hydroclorophosphate. This is the chemical issued alongside nitrogen-dicarbonate to soldiers to make them aggressive & alert!

Prisoner 1:Are you sure that he didn't just make it up as a form of justification of cutting back on spending for the staff Christmas party!

Guard:Well…I think… I mean…

Prisoner 2:Tell me more about your brother's birthday party.

Guard:(New sense of enthusiasm) Ah, well he was always wanting a bit of fun, seriously he's a real joker, anyway he decided that a game of hide & seek in the woods would be fun…

Prisoner 2:Hide & seek eh…

Guard: Oh yes, (Laughs) he said that he was counting & that I was to hide. (Laughs) He left me in the woods three days before I realised that he was only joking & that he hadn't been looking for me at all (Laughs)!


Prisoner 2:How about a game of hide & seek.

Prisoner 1: (Catching on) Yeah, come on it'll be a laugh!

Guard:Ok, (Unlocks them) Right who's counting?

Prisoner 2:I will. You go & hide.

Guard goes into a corner & ducks down, covering his face. Prisoners run off.

Guard:Are you counting, hello… hello… they're probably looking for me, gone off to the wrong end of the prison, over the hills & far away (Laughs), over the hi… (Realises) oh no!