My Sister's Beau
Why on Earth did I have to fall for him? It couldn't be someone in my class; someone that I would never have to personally deal with. No. I had to fall for my sister's boyfriend.
Her name is Jenna. Perfect little Jenna. And me… well, let's just say that by far I'm not my parent's pride and joy. I'm B/C; she's straight A. I'm clumsy; she has the grace of a dancer, which, did I mention, she is. Me, I'd be lucky to get asked to the school dance and not fall on my face. Compared to me anyone would seem perfect but she really is. I hate that about her but she is so nice that I can't help but be the normal little sibling that bugs her and basically she wants to kill me but she won't because she loves me to death.
The thing is it was quite a shock when she came home and said that her new beau was Jaden. She always went for the school's jocks. Sure they were good looking but I go for intelligent boys. So when she came home with Jaden for the honorary 'meet the family' I was shocked. Jaden's a sophomore and an art king. My sister's neither. She's a junior and a dance queen. He draws, paints, sculpts, metal works, everything. He even changed his name to Phoenix because it was more creative.
At first I was awe struck by the sheer fact of them together and his beauty. Flowing golden brown hair that he constantly has to push out of his stunning green eyes. A body that seems as if he is a living, breathing Greek statue. And a voice so musical that when he laughs everyone can't help but turns to look.
I know it's normal for siblings to fall for older sibling's beaus but why did I have to get sucked into this twisted mess? Me! The one that is abnormal and different from everyone else! But I'm still in this mess. I don't even know when it was really started.
Anyway, as I said before, compared to my sister I look like the runt in the litter so I tended to shy away. I couldn't around him; he wouldn't let me. He'd come over and ask if I want to accompany them on their dates. He got on his knees once and gave me this adorable puppy dog face that just made me want to kiss him… but instead I hit him with a pillow and told him I'd go as long as he didn't do that again. He smiled, pulled me to my feet and off we went.
As their relationship hit six months my idolization of him grew. Every time she kissed him I yearned for it to be me kissing him. He would consume my mind and my own artwork. I'd show him some of my own artwork, mince him of course, and he would spend time, to the point of hours, with me helping to 'define my style,' as he'd say. Half the time he would lead me off topic and we'd talk about nothing and everything. That was the time I treasured. That's when I could imagine us sitting in a little coffee shop having intelligent conversation. But soon enough our talk would be cut short and he would rub my shoulder and go to my beckoning sister. Sometimes he would leave with a smile but most of the time he would leave with a face that stated he would rather sit down and talk but he always walked away.
The more I tried not to think of him the more I found myself looking at him out of the corner of my eye. I'd try to shy away but when he shoves playful you can't help but do it back, causing a little wrestling match that always ended with me in a half-nelson and a hug, one of many he gave me. 'You're getting better.' He would always say and I would always say he was 'just lucky.' One of the many things we did that many people didn't get, most of all my sister.
The problem was when he happen to take an interest in my love life, or lack there of. He would ask way I don't date or go to the dances. I told him I was anti-social. 'Nonsense, you just have to scope out the right people.' So my sister kissed him goodbye and pulled me into the car and off we we're to the mall. He'd point out people, for awhile, and I would shake my head or just ignore him and mindlessly sip on my soda. How could I tell him that the person I wanted was him? Was it even normal?
He would never give up, though. That was something I loved about him; his perseverance. In the end, after the silence and the questions I just became too difficult and stormed off to the nearest music store and ignore life until he came and found me. He'd smile, say sorry, I copied and all of my pent up anger about being in love with my sister's boyfriend would subside for a little longer while we talked of music and movies forgetting why we even came to the mall. In time we'd head home only to repeat this same act the next Sunday.
That was 'our day,' as I called it. My sister would be at dance practice all day; my parents at the club. He would come over and hang out always saying he hated being alone. We'd go to the mall, stay at home, watch movies and we even went to an Art show once. We got into a fight over modern art and ended up yelling at each other in the museum only to shrug it off and head home in silence.
Before I knew it summer came. My family was big on 'family time' and Phoenix is family so vacations always involved him. Camping was a hit, so we spent most of our summer doing that. Yup, all five of us crammed into a tent and him so close at night that I could just push that hair out of his eyes and imagine everything was fine and normal in my life.
I did once, push the hair out of his eyes, I mean. I spent half the night watching him lie in a troubled sleep. In a sort of comfort to him and myself, I sweep the hair from his eyes and he steered, woke and rubbed his eyes in such a child-like fashion that was so adorable. He looked at me wide eyed and asked, 'Couldn't sleep?' I shrugged and we spent some time talking until he fell asleep sitting up. I gently grabbed his body in a hugging grip to lay him down and I can swear I heard him sigh in satisfaction but brushed it off, the mind can play games with a tired soul. I laid him down, once again sweeping the hair from his sleep relaxed face and I soon followed him to dreamland.
While camping we spent a good amount of time at the beach. I was more than content to stay at camp and write or draw something but I would get grabbed and all three of us would walk down there. Jenna would tan and I would draw or write on the beach. Phoenix had fun, at first, working with his new medium, sand. He would get bored, grab my hand to pull me up and in return I'd grab Jenna's then all three of us would go into the water where he would proceed to dunk us and throw us around.
Eventually, his bare chest touching my body… it became too much and I had to get away. I would act as if I got hurt or became bored anything that would allow me to leave. I'd fall face first on my towel and both of them would come up and see if I was ok. He'd hold onto his towel but still proceed to let the water droplets cascade down his flat stomach and then disappear into his bright green swimsuit. I dare not watch a droplet go farther down then his waistband. My mind is allowed to wander but not my eyes. It is in reality my sister's love, not mine as much as I wish it to be.
Jenna and I would dry off and then he'd shake his damp hair at us and laugh while we gave yells of protest. We'd walk back to camp and make our separate ways until dinner, at the fire pit later on. Half the time he was assigned to come find me since 'he thought a lot like me,' as my parents would often say. I hid out in trees, some rocks and even laid out in the middle of a field a mile and a half away from camp. No matter where I tried to hide he could always find me and in the end, as I protested not to leave, he would grab my hand and pull me away with him. As soon as our hands would touch my effort to protest retreated back into my mind and I would follow him mindlessly for a couple of feet before my hand would drop from his and hang limply at my side.
Summer ended and school started and the closer it came to their 'fateful' day of September 23, the more restless and moody I became. He could always tell when I was upset and on their one year anniversary was no different. I was hoping beyond hope that they would be normal and celebrate on their own. Nope, not mister creative Phoenix. We got dressed up and the whole family when out to dinner and then we did as he wanted and, all dressed up, played putt putt, a game that I love. Everyone had a good time and like always I got the high score and receive ten dollars, as was family tradition, but I wasn't happy. How could I be happy celebrating their anniversary when it was mine I wanted to be celebrating with him?
He tried to get me to talk while I just shrugged him off and got angered at his persistence, that I found so endearing. When we got home he cornered me carrying one of their presents and asked what was wrong and why I wouldn't talk.
'You're worrying me. What's wrong? Smile, be happy. Be the person I know you are.'
Be the person I know you are. This words repeated in my mind. What did he really know about me. I struggled to leave and he just pushed my shoulders to the wall. 'You can't leave until you tell me what the hell is wrong.'
I resisted more and he became more forceful. He held me to the wall and tried so hard to have me look into those beautiful eyes but if I did I knew I would let my cursed secret out. Finally I had it. It was either me getting away or me breaking and causing him to push away from me, forever. I shoved the heavy box straight into his chest. 'You're dating my sister not me!' I spat out angrily. 'I don't give a damn if you care about me or not.' And I stormed off not coming home until way past dark, my anger replaced with sadness and a heavy heart.
What a encumber it is to carry around a love that you know will never be returned. To be faced with it every day unwilling to believe that it was all one sided. Wishing there was an end to your pain but to know there is nothing that could help. Ice cream and tears are only a fools comfort and I was pasted believing they would work.
Tomorrow was Sunday and I knew I was in trouble with him. Jenna had dance all day and my parents would be off at something or another. I heard from Jenna that he had left mad and refused to talk about it. So I held the pain of the fact that I had angered my good natured love to a point I have never yet seen. Sleep did not come easy that night and the next day he walked into that house for the first time with a scowl and he sought me out. He was as sweet as they come but he had a temper to match.
'You. Come. We are going to sit down, talk and, if I have to chain you to a chair I really don't give a damn.'
'Leave me alone,' I protested pathetically knowing that it wouldn't work. He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder, fireman style, and off he walked with me, kicking, into the living room. He tried to get me to talk and I sang out the words 'leave me alone' as if they became my new mantra. Finally he smacked me across the face and said 'talk,' in a voice that commanded attention. I had never seen him raise a hand in anger and the fact that he just done so to me, hurt more then physical pain could ever do. 'You're Jenna's boyfriend so just leave me alone!' I scream trying once again to get away. He grabbed my waist and forced me to the floor, legs on either side of me holding my arms down.
'Is that what this is all about? You're jealous because you don't have someone. I told you that I can hook you up with someone. You don't have to get so defensive.' He tried so hard not to hurt me, while holding me down, but held a sweet voice trying to calm me.
'Fuck you! You don't know anything; you don't know me.' I wanted to lead him away from the topic of like and love. Anything else but that!
'Let me guess, there is someone you like but you just can't tell them?' Finally I gave up. He was stronger then me and I knew I'd have to tell him. I was so close to tears as I nodded, tired of hiding everything. I wanted all my secrets out. 'I see how it is. Come on tell me who the person is.'
I laughed in a sort of sadden frustration. 'You don't get it.' I repeated once again laughing.
Confused he asked what it was I laughed about.
'Come on tell me who it is. Whoever it is I won't tell, I swear. Nothing could turn me against you. I just want you to be happy. You're too good of a person to be in a bad mood all the time.'
I won't tell, nothing could turn me against you. These would really would be put to the test. I was too tired to care what happened next. I carried the pain of my hidden love for him for a year and it really was killing me. He would be the first person I tell my forbidden secret to and in my heart I knew he would tell everyone and my life would be over but I just didn't care anymore. 'Don't you get it? You're the one I like. I'm gay. What are you going to do about it?'
To my surprise he looked at me with laughter in those beautiful eyes. 'About time you told me.' Then he kissed me and for a moment, at least, me life was perfect.