25Author's note: Hey guys, I wrote this for a set challenge for the Original Fiction Ficathon. I'm pretty happy with what I've written and I'd love to know what you think. Comedy's not really my strong point, so yeah, it was a challenge and I enjoyed writing, for what it's worth. Review!
Challenge #5:
Genre: Comedy
Rating: Any
Likes: Well-rounded characters
Dislikes: Stereotypes, Mary Sues, boring-ness
Words/phrases to use: "I'm leaving you for porn."; "Nay, I say."; "Wake me when it's over."
Just a warning: there's a fair amount of swearing in this. Sorry if it offends anyone.
ONE DAY
Sometime in Summer
It's a fucking hot day in Endbrooke and Stan the Ice-Cream Man is making big money. After all, who can resist the call of Greensleeves? I amble over to where he is parked and step to the front of the cue, in front of several small children.
"Hey! You pushed in!" One shouts immediately, quickly joined by others.
"Fuck off, you wankers," I snap, and a chorus of 'Ooh, the F word' resonates from them.
"That wasn't very nice," says Stan but he looks mildly amused. "What'd do ya want, Bee?"
"Two chocolates, no sprinkles," I tell him, pulling my wallet out of my back pocket.
"What a dumb-dumb," a little boy whispers from behind me. "She has no sprinkleys!"
"What'd you just say?" I whirl on him and he takes a step back. I glare at them. Little fuckers, all of them.
"Here ya go, missy." Stan says, holding out two cones.
I take the cones, sliding a five over. He waves it off so I pocket it again and walk away.
"She got free ice-cream," says a girl. They all nod conspiringly. The next kid, dumb-dumb boy steps up.
"Give me a vanilla ice-cream please, you fucker!" He asks Stan proudly.
I stifle a laugh. They're alright, those kids.
I eat my ice-cream quickly, holding onto the other, which in the heat of the day, is already starting to melt. I look at it regretfully... It'll never reach Carter in time. And I'd hate for it to waste.
Oh what the hell. Fuck Carter, he'll never know. It's all his fucking fault for living in a hole anyway.
I live on Shire Avenue, the main street in Endbrooke, much like Wisteria Lane in Desperate Housewives. Up till about two years ago, my friend Carter did as well and then the loser relocated to Hillsong Street, which would be the equivalent of the island on Lost: no-one knows where the fuck it is, everyone has a lousy past and people die gory deaths.
But enough with the TV references.
It takes me about ten minutes to reach Carter's place and I grab the hidden key from where it is taped to the bottom side of a window sill.
"Carter, you better be up!" I yell into the house.
I'm met with silence.
"Where the fuck are you, Carter?"
A door slams and Carter stumbles out, topless but pulling his pants on over his boxers.
Shit.
"Please don't tell me you have someone else here."
Carter looks amusedly at me. "Please tell me you got me one."
"What?" I haven't got a fucking clue what he's on about.
"You have chocolate all over your mouth, Bee." He tells me, aiming a box of tissues at my head.
"Who's in there?" I ask Carter, gesturing quietly at his room.
He looks perplexed. "I'm not sure. She wouldn't tell me her real name."
"So what'd you call her?" I ask, completely unamused by Carter's antics.
"Queen Titania."
I stare at him in a mixture of many feelings, mainly repulsion. He catches my look.
"It was her idea, not mine!" He protests.
"Sure it was," I agree. "It's a Shakespeare reference, by the way."
Titania, Queen of the Fairies. A Midsummer Night's Dream.
"I knew that Bee, I'm not completely stupid," Carter says.
"You coulda fooled me," I say, mockingly.
"Shut your pie hole," Carter says tiredly, crossing into the room and puts some water to boil.
"Long night?" I ask, in the same mocking tone.
He doesn't answer at first, choosing instead to pop a couple of Panadol. "Could have been better. Would have been better if you'd brought me that ice-cream you promised."
"I did get you one," I protest guiltily. "It melted."
"Well I'm sure you tried your best to prevent that before you succumbed," Carter says, grinning, while he searches for his jar of coffee.
The kettle starts to steam so I find some mugs. I rinse them out and Carter hands me a spoon, which I promptly drop.
"Oops, sorry." I rinse the spoon and make two cups of coffee, handing one over to Carter
"Thanks Bee." Carter says appreciatively, before taking a long sip.
I shake my head dismissively. "So... How've you been lately?"
Carter shrugs. "Pretty good. Got a job."
"You got a job?" I ask, surprised.
"Did I make that unclear in any way?" Carter asks me, one eyebrow raised. I glare at him.
"I thought you were coming back to school."
He shrugs again. "Can't be fucked. Nothing to do there."
I don't really believe him because here's the thing: Carter is a fucking genius.
"What sort of job?" I ask after a second.
"This and that," he says, uncommitted. I raise my own eyebrow, which he plainly ignores.
"More specifically?" I finally prompt.
"Teaching a bunch of fuckwits to play soccer," He finally says.
I stare at him. "You? Teach?"
Ok, another thing about Carter? He's impatient. He wouldn't wait for a murderer to kill him, he'd do it himself.
He glares at me. "It's only a fucking job."
"Temper, temper," I admonish. This only makes him glare at me harder. A new voice interrupts this conflict.
"What does happen upon my hour of solitude?"
I look over and find myself looking at a most scantily clad girl. She wears a fairy costume, from wings to slippers and her make-up is obviously smudged, even from across the room. In the immediate aftermath of seeing this sight, I splutter (loudly) into my coffee, spraying it.
Carter slaps my on the back a couple of times, looking embarrassed.
"Hey Titania." He says quietly. "Coffee?"
"One might drink only if one had to," she says regally. "Does one have a place where thou-est could freshen up?"
I cough again and pour the rest of my coffee down the drain, opting for something lighter. Carter points her to the bathroom.
"Is she a hooker?" I ask the second she's gone.
Carter looks offended. "Shit no!"
"Where the fuck did you meet her then?"
He still looks offended. "At a club."
"A book club?" I ask sarcastically.
"No, a normal one!" Carter exclaims. "She started talking to me."
"What was she even doing there? Wasn't aware they had clubs in the 1700s." I comment dryly.
Carter rolls his eyes, ignoring my comment. "Then, I don't know, I guess I brought her back here."
I raise my eyebrow again. "You don't remember?"
He shrugs sheepishly. "Think I had too much to drink."
I stare at him, half amused, half shocked. "Drunken, almost anonymous sex. The one upside to life."
He laughs. "Yeah, whatever."
Titania reappears, looking more refreshed. "Your facility could rather a cleaning."
I roll my eyes and Carter pinches my arm.
"Yeah, I'll get around to that," he says lamely.
She nods primly. "Well. I must be off."
"Uh okay. I'll see you around." Carter says.
She smiles. "Nay, I say. One night, one mortal. Who knows what the doors of today should bring?"
She disappears, walks out the door to whatever.
"I don't think you're gonna be seeing her again." I state matter of-factly.
"Oh well," Carter says.
I grin to myself.
An Autumn Interlude
I wake up, still feeling my hangover and shiver. It's cold today so I wrap my jacket over the jeans and shirt I'm wearing.
Carter appears at my door just as I'm finishing up. "You okay today?"
"Yeah, all good. Thanks for letting me stay."
"Not a problem. Want breakfast now?"
"Did you cook?"
Carter pauses. "No?"
"Then no thanks," I laugh. He once tried to mash potatoes by blending them.
He looks mildly offended then gives up. "Yeah, let's just go out."
"Nah, I'm fine."
"But you didn't eat much dinner." Carter protests.
"That's cause you made it." I tell him.
"But I didn't!" He tells me, somewhat proudly.
"Liar," I say. Whatever it was that he made, it was horrible. Thank the lord for chocolate bars.
"No, really." He continues.
"Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah."
"But it wasn't me!"
"Whatever you say," I placate.
"But I didn't!" Carter says persistently.
"Wake me when it's over." I say boredly, hugging my pillow.
"Fuck you, Bee." Carter says and stalks away, his footsteps retreating angrily.
He's over-reacting but I should apologise to him. He did let me stay the night. Because I was drunk, if someone wanted to know, but who the fuck wants to know?
Screw him. He'll get over it.
I crawl back into bed and close my eyes.
Bang.
"Oops, sorry!"
"No worries, babe."
"Where do ya wanna go?"
"Bedroom?"
"Sure thing, it's just here.. oh fuck!"
I jerk awake.
"Whoops. Forgot about Bee," Carter says vaguely from the door, where a tall blonde is wrapped around him.
"There's another girl in your bed?" She asks, detangling herself and putting her hands on her hips.
,"Nah, it's just Bee. She's just.. forget it." Carter says, and I realize he's drunk.
I crawl out of bed, my clothes all stiff and wrinkly.
"She's not like, your girlfriend or anything though?" The Blonde One asks.
"No. It's just Bee," Carter says, surprisingly coherent.
"Do you think she's pretty?"
"Fuckin' gorgeous girl in the world."
I ignore his blatant loony.
Blonde One looks mildly put out. "Have you ever slept with her?"
"Yeah. Couple of times."
I chuck my pillow at him. He seems to take it hard.
"Ouch," he says and then crawls into his bed and falls asleep.
I roll my eyes and then tuck him in.
Blonde One looks on. "Now what am I gonna do?"
I shrug. "Don't give a fuck."
She huffs. "Fine."
And a few seconds later, I hear the door slam again.
Oh well.
I leave Carter where he is and go outside. It's dinner time. Unfortunately, this is Carter we're talking about so there's nothing edible in the house.
Take-out it is, then. I flip through the few menus that Carter's helpfully pinned to his fridge and call up Papa Dough's for a pizza and sure enough, it arrives in the guaranteed half hour.
"Hey. What's that smell?"
I look up as Carter stumbles out of his room.
"Pizza. You okay?" I ask as he sits himself down.
"Fucking great," he says and grabs a slice. He finishes it in two bites and grabs another.
"Take it easy there," I say to him.
He glares at me. "Don't fucking tell me what do."
"Then don't eat my fucking pizza!"
He glares even harder but he can't resist the pizza.
"Where'd you get off to?" I ask, over my second slice.
"Dunno. A bar? A pub? Somewhere," He replied moodily.
"Carter?"
"Yeah, what?"
"Get over it. You can't cook." I tell him.
He stares at me for a second and then bursts into laughter. "You're alright, Bee."
I roll my eyes. Finally.
A Week in Winter
"Carter! Open the fucking door!" I yell. I can clearly see Carter's silhouette on the other side of said door. The bastard's taken his spare away.
"Back again?" Carter asks.
"Open the door now!" I yell.
"Can't."
"Open it before I break a window and fucking kill you."
"You'll freeze before you do." Carter mocks.
"Carter!"
"Oh fine." He finally relents and the door opens. I stamp in.
"Took your time, asshole." I say, shaking the snow out of my hair and off my clothes.
He watches me. "Yes Bee, feel free to wet my floor."
"Thanks Carter," I say cheerfully.
"Want a coffee?" He asks.
"Yeah, sure."
I sit down at the table, which is littered with objects.
"What's this?" I ask, pulling out a girl's singlet from under a newspaper.
"It's a singlet, Bee. They're called clothes. You wear them on your body," Carter says, with a superior tone.
"Fuck off. I meant, whose is it?"
"Don't know."
"Well, is it yours?"
"Yes Bee. I habitually wear-" He glances over "-pink striped singlets."
I roll my eyes. "Whose is it then?"
"Dunno. Probably Cara's," he says.
"Who's Cara?" I ask.
"A girl."
"Helpful."
"A girl I went out with," he clarifies.
"And?"
"And what? We went out a couple of times."
"And then what?"
"She left me."
"For another guy? Another girl? The nunnery?" I probe, curiously.
Carter doesn't answer.
"Carter?"
"She wanted to become a porn star," he finally says, as he hands me a cup of coffee. I stare at him.
"Are you for fucking real?" I ask, intrigued.
Carter doesn't look at me.
"She actually said, 'Carter, I'm leaving you for porn.' She actually said that?" I ask, incredulous.
"Fuck off Bee," Carter says.
"Wow. You must have been good."
"Haven't a fucking clue to what you're on about," Carter sing-songs, mainly ignoring me.
"She what, slept with you? And figured out that she should go into porn? You must have been pretty fucking great," I tell him, endlessly amused.
Carter cracks a smile. "That's right."
I laugh out loud. "Oh my god. That's classic, that is. That's just gold."
"Get over it," Carter says, bored of the subject.
"Nope. This is gonna haunt you forever."
"What? You can't tell people-it's private!"
"You told me!"
"You're my best friend!"
"Really?"
"Oh for God's sake, yes. Now, promise you won't say anything?"
"Nope."
"Bee!" Carter says, exasperated.
"Cart-er!" I say right back.
"You're fucking impossible," Carter states.
"Damn straight," I agree.
"Why are you even here again?" Carter asks, most aggrieved.
I shrug. "Bored. Nothing on TV. No-one home. No alcohol in the house."
"Because it's so different here." Carter says derisively.
I shrug again.
"I want to do something," I decide.
Carter makes a noise of agreement. "Monopoly. Build a sandcastle. Do it. Go out. Your pick."
"No. No. Fuck off. No."
He looks insulted. "Why?"
"You don't have it. No sand. As if. Can't be fucked."
"We've done it before." Carter mildly protests.
"Yes. No, not together. Unfortunately, yes. And yeah."
"Oh, fuck off Bee," he says casually.
"Not with you," I tease.
He laughs and picks up my now empty coffee cup and takes it, and his, to the sink.
"So. How's life?" Carter asks when he returns to the table.
"Pretty good. Finally graduate this week and then there's Europe later," I say.
"Yeah, that sounds like fun," Carter agrees quickly.
"It will be... And I'll remember to bring you back a present." I say.
"Big one," Carter says dryly.
"What about you, huh? What've you been up to?" I ask.
"Same old jobs. Not much. Can't be fucked doing anything," he says.
"Go to night school? Or do a part time course, it'll help," I suggest but Carter blows it off. Despite being the genius that he is, he doesn't like to do much.
"Nah. I'm good," Carter says. "God, I can't believe it's all over."
"Yeah, but what can ya do?" I reply.
Carter grins. "I can't do nothing, but you can."
"Trying to impart your words of wisdom?" I ask Carter, amused.
He laughs shortly. "Yeah, something like that. Do something Bee, just go out there and do something."
I nod. "I will. Promise."
I reach over and take his hand. He gently squeezes mine and I smile.
A Second in Spring
"Bee, let go of my fucking hand." Carter says from beside me and I release the (unintentionally) tight grip that I had on his hand.
"Sorry, I'm just really-"
"Excited?" Carter finishes for me.
I nod, bouncing up and down. "I'm going to Europe! Europe! Europe!"
"Oh well done, Sherlock," Carter comments helpfully.
"Fuck off, Carter," I tell him. "You're just jealous."
"That's right, Bee. Gee, you read me like a book," he deadpans. "And let go of my hand again."
"Whoops!" I laugh. Excitement has made me crazy.
"I'm going to Europe! Europe!" I say again and Carter nods patiently.
"Are you sure you have everything?" He asks.
I nod.
"Passport? I.D? Traveler's cheques? Plastic?" He trails.
"Check, check, check, check!" I assure him.
"Toothpaste? Female necessities? Water? Batteries?"
"All of them," I say although I make a mental note to buy a toothbrush. "Stop fussing."
"Fine but don't come crying back to me," Carter says, mock seriously.
"Blah, blah, blah," I tell him, ignoring most of what he says.
"Real mature attitude there, Bee."
"And don't you know it."
"Boarding for Flight BC Europe is now open."
"That's you, Bee," Carter gently prompts.
"Uh-huh. Whatever."
"No, seriously."
"Get fucked, Carter."
"Bee, check your fucking ticket."
I do so and confirm that Carter was right.
"It's me!" I shriek.
"Ooh, good job there," he quips.
I whack him on the arm. "Shush."
He points me over to where I'm supposed to be.
"I'm going to Europe."
"Goodbye, Bee," he says, ignoring me.
I stop. "You'll be here when I get back right?"
He grins at me. "Where else would I be?"
"Good," I say, relieved, although I know I am being selfish.
I wave at him as I send my stuff through to be scanned. It comes out clean and I step through the metal detector which proclaims me safe.
"Hey Bee!" Carter shouts from behind me. I turn.
"You're going to come back, right?" He asks.
"One day."
To Be Finished..
Author's note Alright, I wrote this as a one-shot but the last part was weird, and out of place, so I'm turning it into a two-piece story, and the second part will be posted in a few days. Hope you liked it, please review!