2The Wrong Side of Me
I sat down on one of the furthest rows in Auditorium Seven, not wanting to be in direct eye contact with the world's most despicable teachers, who, in actual fact, shouldn't be a teacher at all. I've never hated a teacher more than I do this teacher, which was saying something, as I love school, homework, friends and teachers. People often find me weird for loving school and hating home and holidays, but I tell myself, we're all unique, so why was 'weird' a word in the dictionary?
But I'm straying from my point. Let me bring you back to this world where I have nothing to do but to stare at this woman who had made my life a misery for the past four months flat. Another of the stupid Ministry of Education's stupid decree that we have to take the stupid Moral Education when the stupid teacher herself isn't even close to being competent. Hell, she probably didn't know where her head is, which, by the way, is probably up her arse. OK, maybe that was downright insulting, so I should stop my pointless ranting here and at least try to listen a little to what she has to say. After all, she sets the exams. I won't want to fail an exam just to spite a teacher. I have my own future to think about.
But trying to listen to her was like trying to hold water in cupped hands. The more you try to hold on, the faster they trickle away. So, resigned to that cold, hard fact, I joined two of my friends where they taught me a new poker card game that I've never played before. We were just having fun when the darned teacher (hereafter known as Ms LAN) called out, "Travesura, what are you and your friends doing?"
I put on an angelic face when I looked up at her and stared at her as though I've just discovered her. "Hmm?" I drawled out. We must've giggled too loudly during the game. Hey! It is a game. What do you expect games are for?
"What were you doing?" She asked sweetly, reminding me horribly of Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I have long been on her wrong side, being the only person making sarcastic remarks during her classes as they just don't make sense. The rest of the class were usually doing their own work or listening to their iPods. Pity I didn't have one. Knowing this (that I'm on her wrong side), and because of the fact that I'm unanonymous, so to speak, I didn't give a hoot about what she was going to do anymore. There is a saying, "If you can't fight them, join them". I decided to do just that. So I decided to outsweet her.
"What were we doing? Hmm… Your guess is as good as ours!" I answered. She wasn't too impressed. Obviously.
"I'm going to take marks off you and your friends. What are your friends' names?" "I don't know…" which was a lie, obviously. I know perfectly well what my friends' names were, but I'm not about to drag anyone into trouble just because Ms LAN happens to know me and decided to pick on me and my friends just happen to be around. "But please, teacher, by all means take marks off me. I'm so glad you're doing it at last. In fact, I've never been more happy that a teacher is finally taking marks off me."
She was taken aback. She didn't expect this, which I knew she didn't. I knew that she expected the students to respect her because she was a teacher. But no way she's going to get respect from me that easily. I respect people for who they are inside, not what post they possess. If you want my respect, you'd better earn it, woman!
"What do you mean?"
"My dear teacher, you can't honestly tell me you don't know?" I was drawling again, making it sound as if I was bored, which, in actual fact, I was. "You see, what are marks for if it isn't for you to take them away, right? If I don't have any marks, would you be able to take any?" I smirked at her astonished look. Sadly, there weren't many people appreciating this remark. They were too busy, engrossed with their various things to do. Only a group of my friends, who listened through this interesting exchange, snickered. "So please, take it, my heart and all." I added dramatically. To add effect, I clutched at my heart. Some laughed.
"Umm… Never mind. Just sit down and don't make a single noise. You shouldn't deprive your fellow classmates of the chance to study." She really can't be thicker than that. Nobody was listening! Well, OK technically they were. But one look at them and you'll know right away that nothing stayed in their brains. This is Moral Education we're talking about! Normally I would've been scandalised if one did not take Moral Education seriously. But in our country, it's just another subject taught to (I suspect) prop up employment and make the Ministry looked as if they were doing something about the country's moral well-being. Not that good of a job if you ask any student.
"Oh, but darling!" I deliberately drawled the last word. I simply loved the effect. "You've just lit up my life! I think I'm in love!" And taking heart of the roaring laughter around me, I sprinted down towards the podium, towards the now-terrified Ms LAN. A little lesbian act would positively kick her sanity out of the window.
I took her hands accordingly and knelt down in front of her, and spoke, "Will you, my dearly beloved, take me as your lawfully wedded spouse? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part?"
She looked at me like I was some kind of alien for a moment, then deciding that I was merely joking, jerked her hand away from me and said, "Not now, girl. You're just trying to disrupt my class with this stupid childish nonsense."
"Oh, but darling! This isn't some stupid childish nonsense! I'm seventeen. My hormones have fully developed, along with my feelings for you! Don't I sound serious? Maybe I'll try again." And taking her hand again, I pulled a serious face as I repeated, "Will you take me as your lawfully wedded spouse? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part?"
The whole hall was practically ringing with laughter now. I was simply loving it! And the look on her face was priceless! She looked sick. She couldn't speak. I started to cajole, "Come on, you want me. You know you want me. So why don't you say yes and I'll sweep you off your feet and…" I waggled my eyebrows in a suggestive manner that no one could mistake. It was only a few moments before she said, "Excuse me," and pulled her hand from mine. I heard her rushing to the toilet and was being violently sick.
"That was bloody brilliant, Travy! I never would've guessed!" My friends called out to me. I laughed and said, "Time for Act Two. We can't have her thinking I'm joking, now, can I? Otherwise we won't be rid of her till she got rid of us."
I promptly entered the female washroom, which was only a doorstep away from the Auditorium. I could hear her panting and breathing heavily.
"Are you all right, darling?" I inquired, putting as much emphasis on the word 'darling' every time I spoke that word.
"NO! GO AWAY! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I-I-I'LL FAIL YOU FOR THIS! NO RESPECT FOR ELDERS!"
"But sweetie, I don't care about my marks, just so long as you gave me your heart to love forever. And maybe we can…" I paused deliberately, sounding as seductive as possible. That turned her fear on immediately.
"NO! GET OUT OF HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!"
"Come on, love, you know you want me." I was bursting out with laughter now, but I controlled myself. The effect was great. I couldn't believe it.
After the cycle repeated several times, with her hollering at me to leave and I coaxing her to 'confess' the love I knew she had for me (as if), I pretended to sigh in frustration and said, "Look, I'll give you some time and space to think about it perhaps? And when you're ready, you know I'll always come to sweep you off your feet." I smirked as I left the toilet and shooed the rest of the giggling students silently back into the Auditorium, so as not to give my little act away, all the while fighting the urge to laugh myself. They had congregated behind me when I first went to the toilet to retrieve the teacher, and they heard the entire conversation.
This was going to be fun.
The next few ME classes were the best of our lives. I would always be there, sitting in my usual place at the top of the Auditorium, smirking at her. And she, boy oh boy, does she seemed nervous. In any case, she never talked directly to me again. Hell, she didn't even call any students to answer any of her questions about things she (supposedly have) taught in class. Once in a while, when I was in the act of bouncing down to her happily, she quickly ran out and wasn't seen during the rest of the period. I decided that we needed a little spice.
One of our two weekly ME classes was before lunch on Tuesday. We know she always takes lunch straight after our class. So I decided I needed to corner her. Backed up by my faithful friends, we headed down to the cafeteria and waited for her. Right on time, she came down, looking a bit more like her old self. She was like that when she wasn't around me? Well, that is about to change.
"Darling!" I pretended to shriek in delight as I ran towards her, arms outstretched. She caught sight of me at once and began to turn to run in the opposite direction. Just then, a new player joined in. It was my friend, Vilain.
"What are you trying to do? Stop harassing her!" He demanded, shoving me, looking every bit serious. Ms LAN turned around and, I suspect, was going to thank him when he said something that made her freeze, "She's mine!"
I caught on quickly. "What do you mean she's yours?" I bellowed angrily, while trying really really hard not to laugh. "I've been after her for ages! And now you just butt in and tell me to leave her alone? What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I could ask you the same question myself!" His eyes were twinkling. I knew he was just joking, but apparently Ms LAN didn't, which was the point. She looked absolutely horrified. "Stop your silly little infatuation and get over her already! I told you, she's mine! Don't try to claim my territory again!"
At that she turned on her heels and ran. We both glared at each other and said, "Now look what you've done!" before returning to our table. The cafeteria resumed its activity once we settled down. Only then did we burst out laughing. We didn't want too many people to know about our little game.
"That was bloody brilliant, 'Lain! I never knew you had that in you!" I said, choking with laughter.
"I know!" He, too, was laughing like mad. "I thought she needed a little extra something to kick herself out, so I supplied a love-triangle. Pretty sophisticated, huh?" He said, wiping away his tears.
"I've never been so proud of you, my friend!" I managed to gasp out before we broke into a fresh wave of laughter.
The next day, we found out from our dearly beloved Programme Director that Ms LAN had withdrawn from the college.
Mission accomplished!
– Finis –