58Wednesday, 23rd day of the Lady's Harvest
"Amanda! Wake up!" Prince Brian had been shaking his companion for a good four minutes, and still she had not awoken. She was sleeping very, very soundly, considering the fact she was on the ground, and there were bugs on said ground. Yesterday, she'd jumped on him because of a "bug thingy"- as she called it.
"Amanda!" He gave her another shake, and gave up. Brian had hoped he wouldn't have to do it the hard way, but really, what choice did he have? They had to finish the quest or she'd never come back. And he really wanted her too.
Brian took his water flask, unstoppered it, and taking one last look at his sleeping beauty, ever so lovingly, poured the water over her head.
"What the hell is wrong with you, you little mangy bat-eared, cat-toed, worm-infested freakwad! Can't you see I'm trying to sleep!"
When he was four, his nurse had read him Sleeping Beauty. He didn't recall her having such a foul mouth. Perhaps she needed more water.
5th hour and I don't care how many minutes
Still in "Nature"
I hate Princie. I hate him with every fiber of my being. He drenched me, and then he laughed at me. Seriously, he laughs WAY too much for one person. I'll simply have to wait until I get my license and then turn him into a squirrel.
What is it with quests and waking up early, anyway? Did some weird old geezer make up laws that say anyone who is on a quest must awaken at godforsaken hours? What if you're on a semi-quest? Or a quest against your will? Huh? Hear that you old fart? I don't want to be here, so your laws don't count. I'm going back to sleep.
5th hour and 43 minutes
Man, those old farts take these things seriously. A skunk almost sat on my head. That would be pleasant, I'm sure.
6th hour and 12 minutes
So, we're off on Objective A1 or whatever's on Princie's little list. Find the SOTN, even though I totally don't want to! Seriously, the beet problem could scar me for life! Life, I tell you! Life!
6th hour and 15 minutes
Okay, so Princie seems to think that just because he's on this quest he gets to be the hero. I'm not a heroine, there's no hero. There's an extremely aggravated witch-sorceress in training, and a Prince who's usually high on laughing gas. No heroes. But he doesn't get it. He wanted to know if he could be called "Brian the Bold." I told him I would shave his head and he could be called "Brian the Bald." He didn't find it amusing. But I did.
6th hour and 16 minutes
So, the woods are kind of cool. But I don't think we're going north. Maybe we'd better get directions from that pixy carnival on the other side of the Woodway Interstate. Looks like they're off Tree-84.
6th hour and 21 minutes
Princie refuses to stop for directions. He said, "I know where I'm going." Uh huh. That's way we're turning around every five seconds, is it?
6th hour and 27 minutes
Yup. We are lost. Lostie, Lost, losty…Lost. And it's all Princie's fault because he can't freaking stop and ask for freaking directions because he's a freaking insane psycho freak. He's frowning. He's reading you again…I'll just go beat him to a bloody freaking pulp for getting me lost on a quest I don't want to go on in the first place.
6th hour and 28 minutes
He didn't believe me about the beating to a bloody freaking pulp. He asked if I was going to lick him again. Maybe I should, just for that comment.
6th hour and 29 minutes
Still lost. Maybe I should sing. I was voted worst ever in choir in Basic Ed. Maybe then he'll ask for directions. La lalalalalala…..
8th hour and 39 minutes
Who's the freaking evil genius? Why, that'd be moi. Princie said he was going deaf. So we asked this tree monkey for directions, and we're on our way North. Maybe we will get this quest done and I can go back to my favorite store. It's in Bosmearth, Aishmir. They have the best ever gummied violets. Yes, and sometimes they even have fresh sugared pixy plums. And there's this really good inn next door and they serve delicious baked pudding and crumb cake and spiced bread and jam…
8th hour and 42 minutes
I want breakfast. Well, we did eat our leftovers before, so I suppose you could say I want brunch. Or Lunfast.
9th hour and 20 minutes
Princie said we'd stop AGES ago. But we haven't, and I feel my weak little body collapsing as I write…I can barely move, and my brain waves are drummed out by hunger…Fare thee well, sweet diary, forgive a hungry soul for abandoning you to this cruel, heartless man who has no concept of what a regular eating schedule is.
10th hour and 11 minutes
Thank everyone in the entire freaking world. We found a…thing. I wouldn't really take the liberty to call it a place. It's more like a dirt mound. But the frog zombie said they've got really good soup. Soup sounds good. Actually, anything sounds good now. I might even eat mud.
12th hour and 4 minutes
Ew, I can't believe I wrote that. I must have been delirious with hunger or something. I'd so never eat mud. Well, if I was dying and that was the only way to save my life, and it was flavored mud, I might eat it. But not if it was flavored like beets.
14th hour and 25 minutes
Um, I don't even know where to begin. Okay, I do.
"So, Mandy, where are you from?" Brian asked me suddenly. He was smiling, as usual. I swear, maybe he had a rare disease as a child that means he can never frown…like it did something to his muscles. 'Cause I've never seen a frown on him. It's a little freaky. Like the smiling zombie or something. Anyway-
"Well, I was born in Skra, but I've lived in Aishmir for as long as I can remember. In Pigswiggle."
"Where?" He fairly snorted, laughing again. I hate telling people my life story.
"Pigswiggle. That's why I moved to get an apprenticeship. It just doesn't sound dignified to say, 'All bow before the great sorceress of Pigswiggle!' does it?"
"No!" And again, off with the laughing. One day he is going to laugh himself right into my fist.
"So, I moved to Thornfield to train under Merlus. And now, I'm here. With you. On a quest. Happy, cause that's the end of the story?"
"Not quite yet," he said. "Who is this illustrious Lady Lilith? And why did she steal your crush? Did you loathe her before or after the fact?"
"Well, actually, Jamerson was almost my boyfriend and Lady Lilith thought she was supposed to be the only one with a boyfriend, cause she's a 'lady' and I always loathed her, that just made me loath her more and then sh-" I paused, and then very calmly said,
"How did you know about Lady Lilith?"
Brian turned red-like a disgusting beet-and he suddenly turned his head.
"Have you read my journal?" I shrieked, and then proceeded to attempt to beat him up.
It didn't really come off, seeing as that we were on a horse and he was in front, plus about a billion times bigger than me. But I tried; I tried for your sake diary. And I'm telling the truth now. See, I could have said I mashed him to a bloody pulp and left him to die, all alone, out in the heat and the thirst of the desert sun.
So what if we're in the woods? It's not like anyone's reading this but me. And, apparently, Princie.
So later, we're still riding north, and I was getting very bored. So I made the mistake of asking about Princie.
"So, Brian, what did you do before you took up all this 'oh, I shall be king someday' and helping me with this idiotic little questy thing?"
"Well, I learnt how to be a Prince and rule Aishmir. I played with my brothers, usually Glen. Jimmy tormented the cat."
"Glen?"
"My older brother. He's off on some sort of princely mission now. He left a couple of days before you arrived."
"Arrived in the dungeon, you mean." I was still in quite a huff about that, I mean, seriously, haven't these royal people ever heard of supply and demand? I demand it; they supply it. I thought it was a simple concept.
"Yeah. Well, you were only in there for a couple of hours."
"Do you have any idea how deadly dull a dungeon is. Ever gone down there to play. Been like, hey, dad, think I'll go and play criminal in the dungeon for a while. See ya later! Well, have you?"
"No, I must admit you're right. Although Jimmy went down there once."
"Why?" I'd never heard of a prince in a dungeon. It gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
"He ate all the cake. It was on the table for the King of Loriann, at the peace conference, and Jimmy snuck in and devoured the whole thing. Dad had a fit, and put in there for twenty minutes."
He was in the dungeon for eating cake? No wonder he grew up to be such a twisted, maniacal little pain in the rear.
15th hour and 11 minutes
Well. Horses are boring. Woods are boring. Princes who continually and aggravatingly laugh are boring. Quests are boring.
15th hour and 28 minutes
We saw snow! Glorious white fluffy stuff, which means…. we are in the North! Sooner the list is done, sooner the quest is done, and sooner I go back to eating the normal ten meals per day. Brian is trying to look at tree moss to see which way we should go. I don't know why we can't just follow the huge, glowing lime green neon sign that says "Ten miles to Sorcerer's Castle." According to Princie, that could be a trap or some other Princish weirdness. Whoever heard of a villain going," Aha! I shall trap thee with my hideous and tacky glowing neon sign!" Only someone with really bad taste would put up a sign like that. As in…. someone who dines on BEETS!
Well, the whole "let's look at moss and act like complete ninnies" plan isn't going as planned. We're now standing here with the "let's stop and stare at the tacky lime neon sign with pondering expressions like complete ninnies" plan. This is what my life has come down to. I'm following a guy who has "I don't know what I'm doing so I act like a complete ninny" plans.
Snow is cool though.