The Madness of the Cows
Odysseus opened his eyes, the sunlight blaring into them. Coughing, he rolled over and brushed the sand off his shoulders and spotted the familiar scenery of a land he thought he'd never come back to. Jumping up with excitement, Odysseus, the returned king, made his way up the beach, over a little sandbar and beamed as he recognized the land of which he grew up in. He was about to head towards home when something stabbed him in the head.
"What the-!"Odysseus growled, whirling around, clutching his big, stupid head.
"Thats right Odysseus, it is I, Athena. You must go to your wife." Athena said, stepping from the shadows, carrying a long, pointy stick. She looked like she was holding in a snort. "Be wary, a great foe awaits you."
"Um. Thanks?" He said as she disappeared, "I swear, they do stuff like that to piss me off. First the…" he trailed off as he shuffled off the beach and into a clearing.
He scrambled through the countryside, unnoticed as he was covered with sand and mud, his blazing red hair in dull strings and looked like a giant shrubbery wandering around. Stealthily he picked his way into the marketplace, disguised as wheat a farmer was dragging to his booth. Just when he was about to settle in, there was a bloodcurdling scream that rang out overhead. All oily heads in the marketplace snapped in the direction of the commotion, momentarily forgetting their purposes in the market. Three suitors scrambled from around the corner, crying out for help as another figure lunged upon them. Odysseus gasped as he recognized the old woman who bore down on the men with a large, cumbersome club; it was none other than Eurykleia. The crowd watched in amazement as the old woman jumped onto a building top, much like a monkey, and beat her chest, hooting. After a while she tired of that and hurled chunks of roof shingles at little children. Then after she was pleased with her display, she vanished like a ghost.
The town people gathered around the frightened suitors, questioning them. The men merely sobbed, unable to speak of what despicable things had taken place at King Odysseus's Palace. Odysseus, perking up at the mention of his name, snuck around the large mob and made his way to his grand hall unnoticed. He ventured for some time and when his eyes came to rest upon his land, he shed an emo tear. The land was burned charcoal black. A heavy, wooden fence rimmed with spikes surrounded his home and guards patrolled the area. The bodies of many suitors either lay on a pile near the entrance or were impaled on top the fence. All the fields were salted and nothing grew, and an ugly, enormous storm cloud hovered over his desecrated castle.
He grabbed a stick and stuck out his chest. The person who did this wasn't going to get away with this. Down a paved path to his home he found a giant looming in front of him. Odysseus rubbed his eyes and gasped, it was a giant ant! He dropped his stick and decided maybe he didn't care so much what had happened to his family, much less his house. He tried to tiptoe away but the ant pulled him back and eyed him with its large, black eyes.
"What are you?!" Odysseus breathed. His knees shook against each other as he fought to look the creature in its eyes.
"I am a cross between a giANT and an intelligANT. I will use my strength and my knowledge to stop you from going any farther!" The ant roared, bearing down on Odysseus menacingly. It flexed four arms impressively and Odysseus paled. The ant continued to flex for a while and Odysseus got bored, then irritated, and then angry as he watched it strike another pose.
"What is this?" Odysseus cried, throwing his hands up into the air.
"Please refrain from doing that. Your pits smell worse than your very breathe!" The ant waved one of its many limbs in front of its sensory organ. "You need a bath."
'Shut-up!" Odysseus bellowed grabbing a random can of Bug-b-Gone and sprayed the ant. Within minutes the ant had completely vanished. AWhat a stupid pun.
Within twenty minutes he made it to the entrance of his once stunning lobby. His foot kicked the marble floor of the entrance to his home. Fodder lay all over the floors, breaches in the walls let in streams of sunlight, the room was sullied with manure and a rank smell was slowly diffusing through the air. Odysseus could not condone this act of disrespect upon his home, unless it was something scarier than a stupid ant. Then he decided it would be okay to call it a day and let the villain do whatever else he wanted with his home. Odysseus cautiously took a ginger step into the room when two blurred shapes fell from the ceiling. The obese figures stood straight, their black outfits stretching as the fabric tried to cover the bodies. One of the enormous black blobs pulled out a pair of num-chucks, the other a katana.
"Ninjas!" Odysseus cried, and then he noticed utters, "Oh no. This is... not real."
The cow with the sword attacked first, thrusting the katana at Odysseus head. Odysseus, by freak accident, slipped on a piece of manure and fell, just missing the deadly blow.
"Argh!" Odysseus screamed as he made contact with the floor, his back squishing against something unpleasant.
"Hidden cow flying carton!" The num-chuck cow screeched, jumping into the air in slow-motion, pulling a hoof back and slanting its arm to bear down on Odysseus. Odysseus half expected the cow to punch him but instead milk started jutting from its utters. Odysseus was soon overwhelmed with milk and began to drown in it. AGot milk? The cow asked smugly. Odysseus fainted and the cows took him to one of his many sheds located at the back of his house. When Odysseus awoke the next morning he was brought before the head of the cows, an extremely beefy bull.
"I am Moogie. I was born from Zeus two weeks ago, when he sneezed me out. My dream is to make man pay for all the inhuman things he has ever done to my bovine race. I have already taken over half of Ithaca and will not rest until I have taken over all of Greece." Moogie said slowly, his pink nostrils flaring wide, "Man for hundreds of years has eaten the flesh of my bovine kin. I am doing what man has done. We have slaughtered the suitors and feast upon them nightly. As for Penelope and your son, they are locked in the wine cellar. They refused to give up this palace, so we had to use extreme measures. They will be fine for the time being. Oh, and Eurykliea... she is our trained human." Moogie looked down his long nose into Odysseus eyes.
"What are you going to do with me?" Odysseus asked nervously.
"You're a great hero for humans. To let you live would let the humans have hope, there is no way I can do that." Moogie smiled sadly, "I am afraid I must kill you." Then Moogie snapped his hooves, an impressive gesture.
"Can't we… negotiate?" Odysseus pleaded, "I'M A VEGETARIAN! Or, am now anway."
Two bulls charged Odysseus, but he was snatched out of the way by Hermes. Athena appeared and stabbed about ten cows with the largest shish-ka-bob stick ever. Apollo shot down fifteen cows with his flaming barbeque utensils, as his sister, Artemis, did with her many toothpicks. Moogie, trying to escape, bounded over the moon. Helios, god of the sun, raised his chariot into the sky, hauling the sun behind him. Moogie found his underside roasting and he fell into the pile of dead suitors. The large bull reared his head and foam came from his mouth.
"Whats wrong?!" Odysseus asked Hermes as the Wayfinder set him down.
"Oh, its just mad human disease." Hermes said smiling.
"Uh... yea, just mad human disease..." Odysseus tried to smile back at Hermes but only managed a grimace.
"Okay, itll just be you and Odysseus from now on, just let me get some more popcorn!" Ares said, pulling up a recliner and a beer.
Odysseus grabbed Athenas shish-ka-bob stick and heaved it at the crazed animal. The exact moment the large stick stuck the bull, a horn pierced Odysseus. Odysseus fell backwards, darkness taking over his eyes then mind. He vaguely heard Ares mumble something about Hermes losing a bet and someone kicking his head who sounded a lot like Aphrodite exclaiming something along the lines of 'Ew, is that a uni-brow?'
"Heroes dont die! And I DO NOT HAVE A UNI-BROW!" Odysseus screamed, waking up on the shore of Ithaca. "Wait... it was a dream."
"Hey, you're off schedule! I was supposed to turn you into a beggar an hour ago!" Athena said, poking Odysseus with a familiar looking pointy stick in the head.