Monday, December 27th, 2004

I realized why I always feel like putting my hand on my chest or stuffing blankets under my PJ's when I sleep. It's because I feel hollow inside.

It's like a part of my heart is missing. There is just this huge empty space in my chest and I'm trying to fill it, but I can't until you come back to me.

So I lay there, feeling hollow, wishing hard that I could see you, or even hear your voice.

But it's not just you. I want to see everybody. I don't want to be alone. I can't stand it. It's like I'm afraid of the dark, but the darkness is inside me, and when I'm alone, the darkness starts closing in, and I ache.

I was walking through the store the other day and my legs ached from iceskating. And I realized that with each step I was taking, my heart and legs were aching together.

No food appeals to me but I am always wanting something inside, as if I had a craving for a food that doesn't exist. I have to remind myself to eat and breathe, as I often forget.

I am so alone.