Chapter 2

Devotion

Saturday, May 31st, 2003

I can't believe I haven't been writing these past few weeks. What with me and John together, every day has been special. Yesterday I got to see him a ton. There were several factors in making that day special. One was seeing him so much. The second was physical contact. Several times he put his hand on my shoulder. Before school, we were walking in the hallway and Skye decided it would be a good time to pick me up. John said something like put her down and skye said "Do you want her?" He said yes, so skye handed me over to him, so there he was carrying me in his arms. But, he couldn't hold my weight, so he dropped me.

I love the fact that whenever he greets me he says my name in an excited voice, like he's really happy to see me. I can't wait to see him today. We're getting closer to a more physical relationship. I can tell.

Monday, November 10th, 2003

John seems to be less shy in showing me affection in front of others, every day. It seems that every other minute his arm is draped over my shoulders, or around my waist. I have lost count of how many times he's told me he loves me, though few of them at school. Again and again I hear him say how attractive he thinks I look, though it is rarely direct. It still baffles me to think of him seeing me as attractive! I can not say that I think he is attractive or 'hott' because my sense of 'hotness' is almost zero.

I can say, however, that I love the color of his brown eyes. I love his black curly hair that goes every which way. I love his thick hands. His smile. If I was across the room from him, his long eyelashes would hide my being able to tell if he was looking at me or not. However, his smile was loud and clear. With or without braces it would brighten the air around him. Also, his voice. When he wants to comfort me, or is saying something sweet, his voice is so gentle. Only after hearing this tone of voice did I discover what "melting" meant. He'll stroke my arm at random moments, as if to assure me that he still loves me, even if he can't say it out loud at that moment.

When I discovered that he had gotten sick on Sunday, on his way back from a trip, I called him. And every few phrases he stopped and coughed violently. I wished more then anything that I could comfort him, stroke his arm, make him feel better. After we exchanged goodbyes, I kept on wishing that I could do something for him. I wanted to read to him. I wanted to tell him stories. I wanted to sing to him, hold him in my arms. I still wish that I could do something for him

P.S. I remembered a few more things to say. I am completely over Corey now. I don't even feel awkward with him. Also, I see Austin at school almost ever day. My heart still flutters a bit when I see him, but he's nothing compared to John. I just read an earlier entry in this journal. "I know I love corey…"

It makes me laugh. I didn't really know what love was. It was a stronger liking for a boy then I had ever had before, but it wasn't love. I hope that I never look back on this statement, and think it unworthy.

I know I love John.