Chapter 6

Worry

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005

John said he'd come over after this thing with debate people, and I asked him to call if plans changed. He expected to come over around 4:00. It is now past 5:00 and I have had no word from him. I've having my dinner soon and then leaving for a rehearsal. I don't know what to think. Part of me is still hoping he might come over, have dinner with me, tag along to rehearsal, and then watch a movie with me. But the other part can't believe I'd let him in the house after letting me down like this.

I do not want to be depressed all summer. I do not want to be always concerned about when I'll see or hear from him. I want to live a normal life.

Argh. Why can't I act normal with or without him? Why can't love be interchangeable or something? We will drift this summer. I just know it. It's going to be a hard summer for us, and the school year will be worse. I know there will be good times soon too, but I think that eventually, the bad will begin to outnumber the good and I'll have to take it upon myself to do something. I'll be surprised if we last another year.

Monday, June 27th, 2005

I keep getting distracted by the thought of John. I have not spoken to him since Saturday night, when I called him to find out if we could get together on Sunday. Of course he said he'd call me on Sunday about it cause there was the possibility of getting together in the early afternoon. This is exactly what I did not want him to do, because it left me waiting in the dark. I knew he wouldn't call, but he promised he would, which meant I knew he would break his promise to me.

I nearly started crying this morning after I tried to do my speech at rehearsal and couldn't remember it and then the director got all mad because nobody knew their lines. I was so frustrated with myself for letting John distract me yesterday and not learning my lines well enough. I'm so tired now.