6Chapter 6: Miss. Perfect
April 7/05
I feel so weak and vulnerable. How I wished someone would protect me. I mean, just today, Wesley Berty, bully of the school called me a sissy and pushed me into the lockers so he could grab my book bag and trash it. I didn't cry in front of him, EVERYONE was watching, how could I? After he left, I had gathered my things and ran to the washroom, the one in the basement that no one goes to because they think it's haunted. Do you think I look ugly, why else would the popular girls call me a bitch and push me around? Or why would Wesley pick on me?
Damn! Wesley effing picks on her! How dare him! That bastard! And she thinks she's ugly! She's so damn pretty, oh god. I slammed my forehead with my hand and continued to read.
Well, I had looked into the half broken mirror today and found out that they WERE right, I DID look hideous. I mean, my black hair was course and frizzy, my lips were thick and dry, my skin was yellow, rough and waterless, I was so skinny you could almost see my bones, my grey eyes were dull and small, bushy thick eyebrows, barely any eyelashes, and most of all my legs, they were long and gross, like SPIDER'S really. I looked horrible! No wonder everyone hated me. I've never told my parents this, but I REALLY want to just die. Maybe then, it'll be a good contribution to the world, and I'll be thanked for it.
Oh Jesus Christ! She wants to die! She does not look like that goddammit! Over exaggerating! She looks so beautiful! And girls actually push others?! I mean, I always thought they were the harmless people, man, how evil they must be. I shook my head in frustration with myself and read on.
Of course, my parents think I'm the most 'wonderful lil girl' ever, but have they seen the other girls? Long blond silky hair, plump juicy lips, long thick eyelashes, big blue eyes, thin plucked brows, smooth creamy skin, and long shaved legs. Those popular girls who walked around like sluts. And my ex-best friend Wendi was becoming one of them! Leaving me behind… I feel MUCH better now, maybe writing in a journal won't be that bad. BTW, I think I've fallen for Liam! He is just sooo nice and cute! But why would a guy like that ever like me? I know, the guy ALWAYS ends up liking the girl in movies and novels, too bad my life isn't one….
I gasped as I finished the third page in Maddy's journal. How could I have so stupid?! Like everyone else, I had been fooled by Maddy's fake pasted on smile! She was way more than that, why didn't I see earlier?! Why was I such an idiot! We liked each other all along! And why wouldn't I like her! How could she think such things? How could she be on the verge of breaking down and still hide it? How could she still cheer others up while her life crashed down inside her? Well…I am gonna make her life like those movies and novels!
I didn't know what to think. I couldn't think. For all I knew, she could've committed suicide somewhere! If only I had told her my feelings for her earlier! If only…and maybe…just maybe…I still had the chance. If I could find her….
"Li! Phone for you! It's Ryden!" My mother shouted from downstairs, breaking off my line of thoughts.
"Got it!" I shouted, as I picked up the phone.
"Hey." I heard Ryden's familiar voice greet.
"Hey bro, sup?" I asked, not really in the mood for a conversation.
"Li! Goddammit I can hear your dismay already!" Ryden shouted, annoyed.
"Sorry man, but ya know, I'm sorta in a mess right now and all."
"Oh?" He asked amused.
"Com'on man! I'm screwed up right now!"
"How's it goin?"
"Crappy, the works, you know."
"Yeah, same."
"So, why'd you buzz?"
"Wanna come over this weekend or somethin'?"
"Dunno…."
"Aw com'on bro! Ma flat's empty!"
"Oh alright!"
"K man! See ya soon!" He hung up.
I sighed. I wonder why he didn't ask me about Maddy, he always asked about my girl. Oh well, he probly forgot or somethin'.
I turned to another page of her journal.
April 10/05
Oh my gosh! I'm such a waste! Trent is right when he called me a whore. I just wish those tears would stop coming, how I wish they'd stop! I'm such a useless girl! Why couldn't I be strong like Kate or something! Ok, don't tell no one this, but I've found a good way to release my pain. I have this pocket knife and well…. cutting feel so good.
What?! She cuts herself! Oh gosh! I must've been blind! How could I have not noticed! All those long sleeves she always wore, even in the summer! I'm such a loser.
It's like all the pain just flows out of me. Today, I cut a bit deeper too! I wish I had the courage to cut the main arteries! It'll be such a blessing! Oh how I wish! If it isn't that Liam is in all my classes, I'd probly hung myself or something. The sight of him is just so pure. That is probly what is keeping me alive, besides my parents of course. And most certainly my beloved Maddy. Well, mom and dad is calling me for dinner, time to paste on my smile.
I took deep breaths and tried to let this all sink in. Yet, the more I thought of it, the more confused I got, how could she, the image of perfection, have such a broken down life inside? And how or if it was even possible, could she have hidden it so well, no one suspected anything? Oh how her life must chip each time people called her something or laughed at her. And oh how pathetic I've been, laughing along just to feel cool even though I had a crush on her. I didn't deserved to live really. I had to find her. If I didn't I'd probly kill myself! For I knew, I knew that if I didn't find her soon, and if she gets into trouble or commits suicide, it will be all my fault. And this I will never forgive myself for, never.
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