'Clipped Butterfly Wings'

:: Two-Faced ::

By: Moonjava

So when was it exactly that I started lying?

It wasn't like I planed on being fake half way through my life but sometimes not telling the truth is better. Just to keep you sane through out the day.

Now that I look back on it. I guess that I knew there was something off about me in my pre-teens. I just didn't know how to express it. By the time I was in my late teens I was very, very confused.

Whenever I try to talk to my mother about my cross dressing or my need to be a man. She thinks that it's a weight issue. This made me angry for years. Well, okay. So I'm still ticked off about it and that's still what she thinks.

It's not like I'm blaming my mom here or any thing but sometimes I wish that she would just listen to me. I mean really listen to me.

I have a really good relationship with my parents. I have a great life. That's part of the reason why I've been hiding this for so long because when I was younger. I often felt like I didn't deserve to be happy the way I wanted to be. The way I needed to be.

Now I am such a girl though and that it kills me.

I didn't really know what Gender Identity Disorder was until this year. I guess that kind of describes me. I've never really been the 'classic' tom boy. So that made it even harder for me to realize who and what exactly I was. I don't like most sports and I've never been into real guy stuff until later in my life.

My mind has often been left in tattered details about my childhood. There are just too many things that I wanted to forget.

Just dealing with a learning disability makes it hard enough. But admitting that there's something else in between. Well, that's a whole other story.

I guess it would be hard for people to fully understand. Why it is I've been hiding this for so long.

Well, when you're called stupid and slow in school. Just because you're not smart as every one else. This tends to make you shy and well I guess fragile to a certain extent.

I've never really thought any thing bad about gays, lesbians, or transsexuals. That's never really entered my brain. Just the fact of knowing that some how I fit this line. That's what scared me. I all ready had my plate full. So why add any thing else?

I used religion as a shield. Pathetic I know but there you have it. That's one thing I really don't like talking about.

In an odd way though.

Learning about other religions and cultural has worked out for the better. I just used it for the wrong reasons for a long time. But now I am so over it.

I have all ready been to therapy once about this and I'm now going back.

I tried making my self straight.

Tried to be like every one else but believe me it doesn't work.

So now I'm here.

With life experiences and trying to live the best way I know how.