this is my boggart

i have realized that i am afraid
more than anything, more than
a man raping me or stabbing me
in my own pretty bed in my own
pretty room, more than all the things
i have nightmares about, i am afraid
of hurting people. afraid to say
anything they did wrong or anything
that might make them cry or even flinch
or frown or have no outward reaction
but inwardly thinking at least, ouch
marianne says it's a part of life,
hurting other people. just like being hurt.
it still scares me more than you know

i guess to truly be a masochist
i would have to act like a sadist