"No Retaliation"

09.26.05

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Sparkling... the gold was irresistible. I had to take it again and have it for myself.

But I knew somehow it was enough.

I put the glass down and sat back. A little more and I would be in high spirits. The sparkling, golden, liquor bubbling in my glass was almost consumed as I was staring at it. Enough.

Everyone was looking up front to the performers who really sucked. I was sitting somewhere hidden behind them all. A deep breathe sucked the air behind my ear, someone's arms wrapped around me. His irresistible eyes were nowhere to be found but just his nose playing with my ear and my cheeks. As he smelled my hair, his hands crawled past my arms and to my waist, his lips touched my ears with gentle kisses. I was drawn nearer to him, leaning much more to the soft chair that prevents him from completely hugging me.

Sparkling.

Sparkling and bubbly!

I looked towards my right and his nose met mine, his lips met mine… and his pierced tongue was something I enjoyed playing with. Really enjoyed. His deep breath was catching up with mine as we both played with each other's lips. Like an oracle, the night was predictable. I had to enjoy it while it lasted, while he was there. His hands moved further to my hips pulling me nearer. Everyone who saw knew it was just like that.

I bit his tongue's ring and pulled it a little. He couldn't do anything but smile. It was obvious that we were enjoying each other's presence doing the things we wanted. That I wanted.

Sparkling.

Exhausting.

The night ended. Two lips that were sewn together parted and the sticky stares vanished…

A few nights passed and he came back

More time, more things… but not all thing. Not all the things.

The room was dim and the light from the window highlighted his cheekbones. His wide eyes grew wider in the dark and his smile was only halfway visible. He drew me nearer to him, kissing me again – gently but with great passion.

Passion.

Lust… not love.

As we kissed, his hands finally had the freedom to do what they wanted. No one was there but us in my small room. The scent of my books mixed with my perfume and the rose incense that I was keeping above my shelves. The air smelled antique but we both smelled like brandy with a citrus twist of orange. He then sat over me. His hands crawled into my pants and suddenly, he pulled it down.

No!

No, this isn't going to happen. Not you. Not now. Not yet.

I may be tipsy but I didn't want to do it.

Make love?

No, there is no love.

I struggled to stand up but he pushed me down and he lied above me and kissed me as I was thinking slowly but hard. He unbuttoned his pants…

No!

"No!"

Finally, I said it with a sound. No longer a thought and not only a struggle. I said no.

Please, no…

It was the last of it, he and I and our little game. But no, not all was given away. I left something for myself. Some dignity for myself. No bodies were united. None at all.

A few more nights and a so-called relationship was ended. I thought it was just like that but no, I was wrong.

Was I a whore?

Was I a bitch?

At least, that was what he said. That was what everyone thought… and still thinks. One night. I almost gave away everything to this man I hardly knew, whose name I don't even recall.

He was gone.

His lies remained in my mind, in their minds…

Get back at him?

How?

His lies suffocated me.

I was supposed the one he's supposed to hate and I'm not supposed to hate him. I was supposed to say the truth against his lies. I was supposed to say goodbye but now, I all I can do was defend myself if I have to and stay quiet as much as I could.

"Supposed to" was all I could say.