Shattered Hopes

Sigh… yet another cold truth about my past. I ask myself why I am the way I am and there are things that I wish I could forget so I could move on with my life. Fear is what happened to me: the most terrible of fears. That fear changed me forever. I still feel it now so how could I forget? Well here's what happened…

Like I mentioned in Emilie, I have told girls how I feel about them in the past. I told many how I liked them and how I would love to spend time with them and every time it was one rejection after another. I could deal with rejection… well it hurt a lot and it turned friendships into an "I don't want to talk to you" or a "leave me alone" kind of relationship… Man, that's so immature. Well, what was I supposed to do? That's just how it was. People pretended to be your friends and then all of a sudden they don't give a shit about you and they don't want to ever see you again… a hefty price but that's not where I stopped. I stopped when it got to a whole new level of torture. I always feared rejection and I will always fear a loss of friendship more… but what happened last… what happened the last time I ever told a girl I had a crush on her… broke my soul. That was 7 years ago. Seven YEARS! And I kept my damn mouth shut ever since. So what the hell happened that was so horrendous? What did I do to deserve to be torn apart? Here's the answer to that:

Her name was Amanda. She and her best friend befriended me at the beginning of the year. They were good friends too. And I still consider myself friends with Amanda's friend. I liked Amanda. It took a little while and then I told her that I liked her. Sure, just like always, she did what everyone else would do and staid away from me. Another friendship lost… how swell. Well, I still liked her. She hurt me but not too much. I still wanted to be friends but I respected the fact that she didn't. All I had to do was stay away from her and I did. I guess that just wasn't enough…

Later in the year, I found out that she was being molested by her cousin. I knew the guy. I saw him touch her breasts and her ass in public… he actually told me he did it often. What an ass! Who knows what a moron like him can do outside of public eyes. Well I had to act. I told a teacher who told other people and then it trailed down to Amanda. She was UPSET! She DID NOT like to have people intervening in her life. She really wasn't expecting it either and she got mad. I obviously didn't tell her that I was responsible for it but she had her doubts. So that day, after class, she walked up to me and insulted me in front of the whole class because deep down she knew I was the tattletale. I was just trying to help you know? Things like those have to be taken care of before they get out of hand. Well apparently it was a crime to care about her from the beginning so she decided to start hating me. It's one thing to be rejected but it's another to be hated. The pain of the thought that anyone I considered a friend could suddenly hate me was unbearable. I can't stand to be hated. I just can't. That was the very last time I ever told a girl that I care. No one could ever know who I had crushes on after that. I became a big hypocrite and a very quiet guy. I still am but I'm working on it. I suppose people will be a little more mature now and will still want to be friends… Well I'm working very hard to get my damn guts back because my entrails were lost somewhere way back in the past and I still suffer from it.