Stress

There's a moment coming up soon that I stress about. It's the moment where I meet with my academic advisor about why I'm doing so horribly in school… and what I plan to do about it. Basically, I'm just going there because I already flunked out and I got readmitted. One of the conditions of my readmission includes a few meetings with my advisor so someone can overlook my progress and my status. I can't begin to describe to you how incredibly fucked up this meeting will be. Nothing good could ever come out of my mouth! And I'm not about to pretend like nothing's wrong either… I've been ignoring things for FAR too long now and it's starting to destroy my life. I'm putting an end to secrecy. I'm going to sit down in front of those judging eyes and explain to that person that there's nothing that anyone in the school could possibly do to solve the problems I have. It's never good to tell someone that they are useless but I have no choice. And then I'll be forced to explain why I feel that way and it will be inevitable that all my problems will flop down between us and create insane anguish for the both of us… thus the stress.

So what am I going to tell her exactly? Well this is pretty much what I hope I'll be able to transfer without stuttering too much:

What has been interfering with my school the most has always been one thing in particular and that one thing created both physical and psychological problems. I have a sleep disorder. It spawned at the very beginning of grade twelve and it's been destroying me ever since. It's more than just a double-edged sword. Ever since grade twelve, I've needed ridiculous amounts of sleep just to be able to stand up. Most of the time, I would need 11 hours of sleep and sometimes I needed 12… That's HALF A DAMN DAY! Well obviously, school has constricted my sleep from the start and it was impossible to get the sleep I required. High school was a joke though and I didn't have too many problems getting really good grades but I did understand what was happening to me and it did spawn many problems that I still have. When I was choosing which CEGEP I wanted to go to, I only had one thing in mind: my health. I chose to go to the nearest CEGEP so I wouldn't have to spend 2 hours a day just traveling. Two hours in a 12 hour day is a lot! Well it didn't matter how close that CEGEP was, it still killed me. My schedule didn't permit me to sleep much at all and my course load was ridiculously large. Thankfully, the courses were still rather easy. What I did was just attend the damn lectures, do the homework that would be graded, come back home, do the things that I needed to do to keep me sane and sleep. I was completely miserable! I was a damn zombie all day long. I would show up to class and not be able to spend one lecture without resting my head on the table because my eyes kept begging me to shut them down. I didn't have the concentration or motivation to do anything! I was just tired all the damn time! I had a hard time making friends because of my mood. I didn't study at all or very little. Basically, I had no life at all. I just got my ass out of bed, went to school came back and tried to sleep. It was hell but I pulled through. I thought I could do the same with university but that was a BIG mistake.

University works on a completely different system. None of it can be anything but a killer for someone like me. A little description of how my university life is:

Ok, so the first semester was a nightmare because I was in three different schools… thankfully, I never went to more than two of them per day but STILL! Secondly, it's downtown and it takes a good hour and a quarter to get home when everything is going right. Moreover, I CAN'T STAND DOWNTOWN! I despise all of it! Well that's not all. The education system itself is very different. The courses are much harder but at least I have a smaller load… well that's good but get this: They seem to thing that it's a good idea to make 60 percent of your grade (or more) depend on a single three hour exam… I can't even do more than one hour of homework without my mind wandering off on a completely different subject. IT'S THE SAME WITH THE EXAM. But since I'm forced on a chair for three hours I go CRAZY! All I want to do after the first hour is get the hell out of the class. I feel so damn shitty when I do the exam and I did leave early once because I just couldn't stand the torture anymore. There goes 60 percent of my marks. On my midterms I do pretty damn good. I got a few Bs… but the total drops down to D very easily. So I get kicked out… Just because of one damn test. What a waste of my life! I have so many problems to deal with and school is literally making me unhealthy. And if that's not stress enough, I get the speech from my parents that I'm "such a disappointment" to them because I'm not good in school! DAMNIT! DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED THAT SHIT? Could you make my life more miserable PLEASE? All they see is my negative attitude towards school and instead of stopping to question why I have such a poor esteem of school, they scold me instead. It doesn't matter how many time I tell them how much I can't stand going to school and how my problems are very real... they just don't listen. So why would my advisor?

This year, I don't only have to get a passing grade. NO. I need to do better than everyone just so I don't get kicked out. Listen, though I have the mental capacity to get better marks than most, I SIMPLY DON'T HAVE THE HEALTH. I can't perform miracles but I know it's possible. And if I can't do it… I'm ready to face the consequences. I know where my future is going and I know for a fact that it doesn't matter if I do good in school and get the job I want: I will NEVER be happy unless I get rid of my problems. You have no idea how insanely hard and depressing it is to do that and school at the same time but I promised myself I would try. I need my friends back; I need my health back and GOD DAMNIT I NEED MY LIFE BACK! School is KILLING ME! Is it such a crime to be concerned about my health? You know, I wish people would let me but they don't seem to consider it very important. I'm the only one that can help myself make me happy and if I can't... I will be a zombie until the day I die.

I have a serious lack of sleep that creates concentration, motivation and time issues. I have very few friends left. I lost five pounds… I'm rarely hungry anymore. My immune system is crap. I don't have time for physical exercise. I'm depressed and I stress about everything… How can anyone expect me to do well in school? I'm the worst student there could ever be. I don't care about money and there's no job out there for me so I also have a serious lack of motivation. All I want is my damn health! I want to be all I can be and I have so much to do!

That's pretty much it. Thankfully, I've been making progress lately as far as my mental health goes but at the cost of yet some more sleep. Now I have a cold and I'm very weak. I'm just so deep in shit right now it's crazy.