Best Party Ever
My lips are numb, actually my entire body is numb. Downstairs the music pounds out the speakers at top volume. The sounds of shrieks and shouts of enjoyment can be heard over the music. I lie on the hard wooden floor and stare at the ceiling willing myself not to cry. I can't move my entire body protests, I feel so cold so empty. Downstairs the party carries on. I wonder what my friends are up to dancing and flirting shamelessly no doubt. Everyone merry with their vodka and alco- pops.
I'm up here alone, so cold, so alone.
I pray for someone to notice that I'm not there. To come up and find me but I know no one will. I feel the numbness lift from my body. Slowly I push myself off the floor and lean on the wall. Tears start rolling down my cheeks my entire body shakes as I cry uncontrollably.
Can this be me?
I gaze at my hands they shake violently. They are so cold as I bring them up to my face. Is this me? Is this really me?
I feel so angry, so angry with myself that I have let myself be in this situation.
"You stupid slut"
I can't help it my anger takes over the self pity now. I was so stupid. So, so stupid. After acting like a slut for so many years can I really blame him. My body aches.
I stare at my wrists and notice that already thumb shaped bruises have started to appear. Slowly I start to examine my body in the dull moonlight. I see I'm covered in bruises. They cluster in groups at the base of my ribs and the top of my thighs. The muscles in my arm complain at each small movement.
Great party, top notch, best so far I think in my head sarcastically. I'm so confused so shocked I don't know what to do now. The thought of leaving this dark room fills me with fear. Despite everything that's happened here, the darkness and stillness feels safe. I wonder how long I've been here. When did I leave the party downstairs to my doom up here. Doom seems dramatic too dramatic I'm still alive. I'm still alive.
So what I didn't want it but I'm alive. So what I'm bruised and aching but I'm alive. I'm alive and that's all that matters.
I hear the music dim down, it must be late. If the party is ending it must be so late. I've been up here since eleven o clock or something. I must have been up here for hours. I really should leave here go downstairs. He's probably gone by now he wasn't staying over night. None of those guys were. I really should go downstairs. I probably should tell Ellie, but then what should I tell her. I mean nothing really happened. I'm overreacting. I mean that wasn't rape.