5Beckums had an ominous feeling as she crossed the bridge of Xangarioth. The skies were gray and the field of Thale looked bare.
It was hardly a good day to begin with; she'd managed to kill three unsuspecting civilians already. Not that she usually minded that sort of thing, but she's been threatened with banishment if she killed too many civilians before the upcoming festival.
A caravan was approaching, maybe they would rescue her, take her back to town. Get her out of this forsaken wasteland.
"Hey, hey!" the Beck shouted, attempting to get their attention. Unfortunately, Beckums was wrong, they were not a friendly caravan, instead they were rabid communist pirates."
Arr, me hearties! 'Tis a hostage we've found, yar!" one of them yelled. The others immediately began chorusing nonsense phrases such as "hard to starboard!" and "hoist the mainsail!"
Beckums tried to sneak away in the confusion, but one of them saw her leaving and yelled "Arr, Moby Dick!"
"A little far from the ocean, aren't we, boys?" The Beckums chastised. Suddenly, one pirate, by the name of Jose stepped forward.
"Listen, we never said we was intelligent pirates. Anyway, tie her up!" After she was constrained down, Jose began to speak again.
"Alright, where's the booty! We need booty to take back to the booty room in the Castle Doane."
Beckums rolled her eyes at this; she knew where the booty was, and she also knew that the pirates had absolutely none of it. Luckily for her, they didn't think to ask her, because it would've been quite difficult to not tell them where it was. It was so obvious for one thing, and anyway, there was that annoying spell they'd cast on her that made it impossible for her to refuse demands for the location of anything.
Jose lifted his massive leg up on crate that had the words "Hey. Over Here! THE...BOOTY..." on it. Now you listen to me. I don't have time to play these games." Jose then leaned in close. "Tell ya what, if ya help me ditch these losers and get to the ocean where ya belong, I'll make ya me first mate."
Taking only a second to consider, Beckums nodded decisively; after all, she was getting tired of her dreary life, and this promised more adventure. She'd always wanted to be a pirate. And besides, it would be fun sitting on the sidelines snickering at the dumb pirates when they couldn't find such blatantly obvious things. "Mmrph," she agreed.
Immediately, Jose began to untie the Beck. "Arr wuteryadoin!" one of the pirates rebelled. "The uh booty... she said it's umm... that pack of lions has it. And they said they won't share any of it with you. Go get the booty!"
...Jose's crew will be missed.
But not by the Beckums. Once she was free, she grabbed Jose and began dragging him back toward the bridge of Xangarioth.
"Wuteryadoin?" he spluttered in an odd echo of his crewman. She rolled her eyes. "Shut up, or the portal won't come." Closing her eyes, she began humming something that sounded suspiciously like "Do you hear the people sing?" and suddenly a large barricade materialized right in front of the bridge.
With a great leap, the two rushed into the portal, after a tumultuous ride through a trippy reddish-blue tunnel, the two arrived where every lost soul goes when searching for the truth: Tom Jones restaurant.
Upon their arrival they were rushed by Jose's old first mate, bObGrant who immediately broke into a chorus of "Joseee Jose Jose Joseeee Joo" ..."Not now bObGrant...umm...not now."
bObGrant looked incredibly sad at this, so very sad that Beckums felt compelled to buy him a cup of hot chocolate to make him feel better. Once he had been consoled, the three sat at a small booth, brooding over their eggs and pamcakes.
Jose leaned over and whispered in The Beck's ear "we better go now before he gets mad with rage that I've replaced him. Don't want anyone tryin to kill me first mate." All at once the two stood up and rushed outside, leaving the oblivious bObGrant with his pamcakes...when they exited, they realized that the Tom Jones restaurant was literally right on the beach, in fact a part of it was stuck a few feet into the soft sand.
"Well that's...weird"
"Very weird," Beckums agreed, running her toes through the sand. "Fun, though. Wanna build a sandcastle?" Without much effort, Jose was enlisted in the effort, and soon enough a lovely sand castle had been erected. It was utterly glorious...until it was stepped on, that is.
"The Castle Doane!" Jose yelled. "Me booty room! I had the finest looking booty around! No one made booty calls like me!"
"Wait," the Beck interjected, "do pirates have castles?"
"IRREGARDLESS!" yelled Jose.
Suddenly, Jose looked up to see had done this, and there was Stephen Segal.
"Infidel!" he roared, drawing a sword and beginning a long and elaborate duel with the dread Stephen Segal. Sadly, it appeared as though the miscreant had the upper hand and Jose was about to meet his doom, when Beckums tired of the action, shot Stephen Segal with her trusty Pistol of Deuth. Jose was not entirely pleased that Beckums had won the fight instead of him, but he chose to ignore this fact as he rose to his feet and strode off down the beach.
The Beckums stepped back for a second. "Um... Jose? What was he even doing here?"
"Well, this plot is ridiculous. It took very little thought and makes no sense. Stephen Segal is in all ridiculously dumb stories."
"Ahhh" the Beck said, totally enlightened now. The Beck and Jose kept walking down that beach. Eventually they lost track of all time and where they were. They just kept walking and walking and walking...until they fell off.
True story.
The confused pair kept falling. It seemed as though they would just fall forever. Suddenly, they saw ground up ahead. They were going to land somewhere! ...Wait. In utter terror, they realized that this wasn't as good a thing as they originally thought, now that they were both speeding toward the ground.
"Holy crap holy crap HOLY CRAP!" Beckums shrieked, latching onto Jose. "Do something!" "Uhhh," he faltered, then yelled the first thing that came into his mind. "Robo-swami-deauth!" Suddenly the two were no longer hurtling toward the ground, but hung suspended from a giant Christmas tree. "Um...crap."
"Well...were not dead..." Jose bluntly stated. "You're an idiot." Beckums muttered as she cut them both down.
"Where are we?"
"You my friend, are in the wonderful land of Narnia!" said an elegant unicorn. "Really?!" the Beck excitedly shouted.
"Haha! No way, this is Detroit but you should have seen the looks on your faces, when I said that! Priceless!" cackled the unicorn as he sped off.
"Jerk," Beckums muttered, glaring after the unicorn. "Narnia would've been fun. Maybe we could've talked to Lewis...he's a good writer. I'd like to meet him." Jose nodded as they started off, then frowned.
"Wait...what was a unicorn doing in Detroit?"
"That is a very good question," stated a very wise and ancient voice.
"Who are you?" asked Jose.
"I am Obligatory Old Man. Ya know, the old guy in every story who knows everything shares his knowledge freely with all the young'ns."
"Oooohhhh" Jose and The Beck said in unison.
"So like I was sayin... the unicorns showed up sometime after the rabid communist pirates disappeared. Everyone knows that the unicorn's worst enemy is the rabid communist pirate. Without the pirates, the unicorns just about took over this city. The beautiful Utopia that was once Detroit, now lies in ruins. There's still hope for this city, all that needs to happen is…."
"Ernest! Ernest put a coat on, you'll catch a chill" came a raspy voice from inside the house.
"Woman I'm 76 years old I can…"
"Ernest, you're too old for this, stop bothering those kids!"
"Woman, I'm the obligatory old man!" said Obligatory Old Man, as he marched inside. Jose and Beckums stared at each other in united confusion.
"Um...soo..." Beckums tried to formulate a sentence. "Yes. Yes indeed," Jose finished. With that important matter settled, the two decided to try and find some more rabid communist pirates. After all, the old ones had been eaten by lions, so it was no use looking for them. No, they needed new ones altogether. So where do you suppose they went? Well, my friend, in short, they went... to Mordor. That's right, the lake by the bridge of Xangarioth, the lake that is Mordor. THAT is where they went. Nowhere else. After all, where else - (much confusion in the background as the old narrator is stabbed and a new one is instated) There. Carry on.
"Umm... how did we get here?" asked Jose. Suddenly they heard a thunderous voice.
"You just did okay? Don't question me!" It was the new narrator.
"Now get to it!"
"Alright, alright, sheesh," Beckums angrily stated. Suddenly she exploded and reassembled five minutes later.
"What was that, Beckums?" said the booming voice.
"Nothing, Nothing I'm sorry!"
"Now, where to find new rabid communist pirates..." Thought Jose.
"Duh silly," said The Beck, holding up a package.
"Just add water."
Then, Lady Whimsalot died.
A/N: Okay, before you decide to never read one of my stories again, lemme explain this craziness lol. Last night, I IM'ed my good friend Brooke O' Reily and said. "Brooke. Let's write a story. Write now, and then I'll post it on FP under my account. I started off with the first two lines. She wrote a bit I wrote a bit. We carried on until her internet cut out at 2 in the morning. What ensued is that amalgamation of literary chaos above. Lol, hope you enjoyed the randomness!