The greatest review ever.
Is it possible?
Can it be?
I don't believe it….
THE GREATEST REVIEW EVER! Ep.2
Brought To You By:
A Very Disappointed Author (a.k.a AVDA)
AVDA: Hey there folks, glad to see you back here for an astounding second episode of everyone's favorite game show, The Greatest Review Ever.
Before we get started tonight I'd just like to announce how very please I am to see that our show is reaching our target audience. Our friends over at the TypewriterKing Institute For Kids Who Don't Write So Good were very pleased at the exposure they gained simply by sponsoring our pilot episode.
In tonight's episode we will be looking at a piece entitled Hello, My Name Is Fake Raptor, authored by none other than it's namesake, Fake Raptor.
Now, much of Fake Raptor's information is relatively unknown as he has resurfaced on more than one occasion under several similar, though always slightly different pen names. He, like many other "clones", which are merely users who create pen names simply to make mockeries of any and all works of the author whom they are modeling their pen name after, only seem to come around when a certain user posts something that, to them, defines blasphemy. What brings Fake Raptor to the frontline of our broadcast this evening is his return to the graces of Fiction Press, in what most would think are unprovoked circumstances.
So, stay tuned, and don't despair, we'll be right back with…
(Audience cheers in unison)
THE GREATEST REVIEW EVER!
(fade to black, admist black screen a liquid-paper white face appears center screen)
Face: Hello. Isn't life bleak? Bland? Undesirable? Do the pains of happiness and sunlight plague you on a daily basis? Or, have you ever found yourself in a position where you just couldn't seem to find the right words to express your angst?
(Lights cue up on a woman, sitting on a stool wearing all black besides her white face paint)
Face: Hi, my name is Lucy, Lucy Fir and I am a P/R exec here at the SilentBlueRose Gothic Greeting Card Factory, where we produce top-quality greeting cards for the gothic persuasion! Need to show Grandma how much you love her? How about trying our Francois Muriac inspired card, which, like all of our other cards comes in a rather fetching array of colors, ranging from dark black to light black and even Night-sky black, and reads:
"No love, no friendship can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever."
Of course, if this card does not truly express how you feel, we ask that, as much as you may want to despair, that you don't, because every card, regardless of occasion comes with our sickly uplifting catchphrase of:
"Have A Nice Day."
Of course we don't mean it, but if we didn't say it, you may be able to hold our Gothic pride against us.
So please take a moment and browse our current selection of greeting card masterpieces now available at a drug store nearest you, and remember, once you go Goth, Mephistopheles will own your soul! It may not rhyme, but we're damn proud of it.
Have a nice day.
(Fade to black as if commercial were over)
Lucy Fir: Ahhh, much better.
(Black out, lights back up on The Greatest Review Ever set)
AVDA: I must admit, those greeting cards really are the life of the party!
Random band member: Haha, life!? That's funny man, funny.
AVDA: Haha, alright folks, alright lets get this show on the road. As I said before tonight's head-before-the-guillotine is Hello, My Name is Fake Raptor by Fake Raptor.
The piece opens with an "Author's Note" which, from experience I have learned are a rather despised creation on this site, but credit must be given where credit is due as Fake Raptor does spice his up slightly by nicknaming the authors on this site who wish to have their work reviewed, and I quote, "review whores".
We are then treated to a taste of Fake Raptor's lack of decisiveness, as if his attempt at luring us in with his mock-title of Raptor7435's Hello, My Name Is Raptor wasn't bad enough, we are then subjected to attempt number two and… "Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Getting The War On."
Do either of these titles have anything to do with the essay itself? Of course not, and if you end up becoming a fan of this wonderful show, that question will soon turn rhetorical.
Now, I've always found it a great essay and story-opener to start off with a witty, well-known quote from a well-known figure. Fake Raptor almost nails this one, but makes a mistake starting it off with a quote from none other then our own Max Krugman, that not only is dry and witless, but totally incorrect. And if you need a show of its falsehood, just know that I'm living proof.
I could easily continue pointing out the poor qualities of this essay but I'd hate to have this episode run over and into the next time slot. So I'll just point out the opening sentence of the actually body of this essay, and hopefully from there on in, you will realize the pattern that ensues.
The sentence(s) is/are as written:
"Every early morning, after getting wasted, I know I've succeeded in making someone livid, and can restart my militant agenda after sobering. I go through this routine, satisfying my id. Sometimes I like salad, sometimes I feel like fried chicken; I just want to get the fuel right. I'm thoroughly aroused by watching my privates, and seeing how my officers prepare for battle."
Talk about self-satisfaction. Fried Chicken, Salad, a good look at the meat and two veg...Homer Simpson must be jealous.
Either way, this droll continues for several more paragraphs, and besides his admittance of it being an entirely fake account on anything serves no truthful purpose whatsoever. At one point he even shows concern for this websites future, but decides the best solution is to feed the fire of adversity to make it more painfully arousing to join, rather then academically stimulating for the future writer.
There's an attempt at redemption to close off this waste of space by quoting yet another source, but don't you worry, don't you fret, because it doesn't work.
Anyway, my final opinion?
This piece's description denounces the use of a disclaimer, however, ironically this piece truly could have used one. I believe it should have read:
"Disclaimer: This is useless, don't waste your time unless you are one of my friends, my real close internet fiction press friends. Thanks."
AVDA: Alright folks, that's it for me, thanks for watching and special thanks once again to the SilentBlueRose Gothic Greeting Card Corporation for their support. Have a good night folks and I'll see you next time on…
THE GREATEST REVIEW EVER!
(blackout, and applause)