Maybe I chose this fate,

This way the game plays out,

Did I make a conscious decision to be the one they hate,

To end up the strange one, the one who is never enough,

I am silent in my crumbling,

Afraid to let you see what is going on under this cruel facade,

Terrified that the mask will slip,

Or you'll find a chink in my otherwise solid armour,

I spent a lifetime protecting myself,

A life of shutting people out, and emotion in,

A score of years of empty promises and relationships based on lies,

I promised I would change.

I don't want to make that another lie,

But I'm just another anomaly,

A glitch in the system,

Maybe I'm the misfired synapse of something much greater than myself,

Or a deliberate mistake,

A test for those around me,

A failure meant to endure.

I can't convince myself and I feel anything but real,

This has got to be a dream gone wrong,

Maybe one day I'll wake and I'll find myself before now,

Before then,

Wake up a child, carefreee and happy,

Scared by my nightmares, but unscathed by what I've experienced.

I lie to myself.

I pretend it could happen.

But deep down I know this is it.

This is the hand I have been dealt and it's not going away.

Maybe I chose not to change, not to accept the hands of an authority far more experienced,

Did I make this choice?

Or did you make it for me?

Even when I'm happy, it all goes wrong.

How can I save myself when everything I live for is being snatched away by a fate crueller than I can conceive?