This way the game plays out,
Did I make a conscious decision to be the one they hate,
To end up the strange one, the one who is never enough,
I am silent in my crumbling,
Afraid to let you see what is going on under this cruel facade,
Terrified that the mask will slip,
Or you'll find a chink in my otherwise solid armour,
I spent a lifetime protecting myself,
A life of shutting people out, and emotion in,
A score of years of empty promises and relationships based on lies,
I promised I would change.
I don't want to make that another lie,
But I'm just another anomaly,
A glitch in the system,
Maybe I'm the misfired synapse of something much greater than myself,
Or a deliberate mistake,
A test for those around me,
A failure meant to endure.
I can't convince myself and I feel anything but real,
This has got to be a dream gone wrong,
Maybe one day I'll wake and I'll find myself before now,
Wake up a child, carefreee and happy,
Scared by my nightmares, but unscathed by what I've experienced.
I lie to myself.
I pretend it could happen.
But deep down I know this is it.
This is the hand I have been dealt and it's not going away.
Maybe I chose not to change, not to accept the hands of an authority far more experienced,
Did I make this choice?
Or did you make it for me?
Even when I'm happy, it all goes wrong.
How can I save myself when everything I live for is being snatched away by a fate crueller than I can conceive?