Part One

September 6th

Other girls have it worse than me.

There are other girls who are more depressed. There are other girls who are even less popular or more stupid. There are other girls who throw up after eating but they do it after every single meal instead of only sometimes. There are others who experiment in things their mothers told them not to, but they do worse things than I do.

That's why I never complain. It's because I always know that there will always be other girls who are far worse off than stupid little me. Also because all my mother ever does is complain and I don't want to ever be like her. That's why I say nothing out loud and instead write it all down in this little black notebook which no one will ever read because no one will ever care.

September 7th

School started today which really sucks. Not that I did anything interesting over the summer anyway.

I'm sitting in eighth-grade algebra all the way in the back corner where the teacher can't see me. I hate math, I will never ever do anything in my life even remotely related to math, so I will not pay attention and write in this notebook instead. We're not even doing any real math yet, he's just going over some rules like how if we bring a cell phone to class he'll confiscate it. I've heard this in every class so far today. They treat us like we're two-years-old.

I'm not going to the lunch room today because I know if I do I'll eat the crappy school pizza and I don't want to eat anything ever again. Besides I don't want to see all the popular clique-y girls with their identical hair cuts and outfits all pretending not to eat either. They are even more stupid than me. I hate them. Especially Amber, she thinks she is the greatest which is even more sad than not knowing you are stupid.

Nothing else much changed over the summer except I think all the girls grew real boobs instead of stuffing their bras like they used to. That was just gross. And I'd rather be really tiny anyway and have no boobs than be fat.

Something else that hasn't changed over the summer is the fact that I am completely invisible to everyone in this school. I probably could have sat front row center and the teacher still wouldn't have seen me. But sitting in the back corner is much more fun anyway.

September 8th

It's really hot out which isn't fair because once school starts it should stop being summer. My female parental unit was so busy getting to work this morning that she forgot to make me eat breakfast again. I love it when that happens except then I have to drink a lot of water so my stomach won't make loud rumbling noises in the middle of class. And then

Oh my gosh that was awful. Mr. Conner just called me up to the front of the classroom. He must have had to call my name more than once because by the time I heard it he was yelling it out like "JENNA!" and everyone was turned around and looking at me. It turned out that Mr. Conner wanted me to do a math problem at the board which was terrible because I had to stand up and walk to the front of the class with everyone else watching me and thinking bad things about me. To make it worse I didn't know how to do the problem because I haven't been paying attention in math since sixth grade. Everyone else started laughing because now they know for sure that I am stupid.

Finally Mr. Conner let me sit down but not before he stated, "That's an awful lot amount of writing to be doing in a math class, Jenna."

I guess I'm not so invisible to him after all.

September 9th

So today I'm writing in English class instead of math.

It must sound like I have no friends but that's not true, one of them is named Melanie and she lives next door to me. She doesn't go to my school so she doesn't know that I'm not cool. She has this shed in her backyard and sometimes we smoke pot in there which is totally illegal and that's why I love it. I don't like the feeling of it so much because when I am high I feel like I am at the dentist only instead of just my mouth getting all novocained my entire body is. It also feels like my eyes are above my head, isn't that strange? Then I get really hungry which is bad considering my trying not to eat all the time. I really have to lose a lot of weight by the end of the month or I'll probably die from the grossness.

But anyway even though I don't really like it it's better than drinking which Melanie and I do sometimes too because there's much less empty calories involved. So when Melanie comes and knocks on my window (I live on the first floor) and gives the little signal we go into her shed and smoke pot. I wonder where she gets it from.


That was really weird. While I was writing in this notebook the most popular girl Amber turned and actually spoke to me.

"What are you writing?" she asked worriedly. "We don't have anything due today, right?"

"No," I said. That was all I said. I don't like to talk very much.

"Then what is that?" she wanted to know, trying to see but I covered my chicken scratch with my arm. Maybe she would think I was cooler if she knew I smoked pot though.

"Nothing," I stated. "It's just writing."

A light suddenly dawned in Amber's brain. "Oh, like a diary?"

"No," I said. I don't keep a stupid diary. Only prissy girls keep DIARIES and in them they write about their stupid boyfriends and their stupid lip gloss.

"Oh, you have a diary!" Amber said, in that "oh isn't that cute" tone. Then she bit her lip like she was thinking really hard which must be difficult for her to do. I HATE AMBER!

She didn't say anything else to me. I wanted to tell her that she was wrong but she would never ever believe me. But really, this isn't a diary. It's just a notebook. Something for me to do in class besides listen.