I'm so angry I don't even know how to say a complete sentence without crying. I just want to hit something and wish I would have never met her. How can she say all these things about me and have all these feelings if they're not there? Why does she tell me she thinks about me when she doesn't?

Have you ever realized you have to end something whether or not you want to? Have you ever taken something in your life you enjoyed and then dropped it? It's what I'm about to do. As fun as it is to "pretend" we're going out and "pretend" everything's okay, I can't deal with it anymore. I get wrapped up in the fakeness of it all and it hurts that much more when I remember we're just playing a part.

You hear the words and you feel the touch and you just don't believe it. All you hear and think about are the words they say about this other guy and how great he is. How you're not as good at what you do as you once were but now this other guy can do it better and have her feel how you did when she was with you. Did she say those things to me just because we were together? Does anyone have legitimate feelings for another person anymore or do we all just play a part in this movie called "Relationships" ?

I've picked up the phone more times than I can count. I've come to the realization I may just not be able to say how I feel. I might just have to ignore her until she goes away and takes my feelings with her. I hate that feeling : the feeling of being betrayed and wanting all the words and emotions you poured out to them back. You want every kiss, every hug, every orgasm back. What'd it all mean? Apparently not much. You were just the guy before the guy.

My phone rings and the caller I.D. tells me what I already knew : it's her. I think that maybe I'll just let the machine pick it up but finally answer on the last ring. "Hello." God, I really don't wanna talk to her...I get that feeling in my stomach like I want to throw up. Or when you have someone tell you your best friend talked shit behind your back.

" Hey! What are you doing?" She's still pretending like she actually likes me. Kind of sad, just reminds me of what's not real.

"Not much. About to go to bed." You look at your clock and see it's only 8. She knows you better than that. Only 80 year old women go to bed at this time.

She doesn't say anything about your lie. She must be feeling guilty about her own. " I hope we can hang out soon. You're so cute and I love being with you." I guess she doesn't...

"Sure. Yeah. Call me sometime."

She laughed and says, " Well, I called you right now."

I want to throw the phone. Hearing her voice is like having someone twist the knife they stuck into your back. "Yeah, well, " I try to think of a lie but I'm so tired of it all that I just change my mind, " I can't hang out. I'm not in the mood."

She doesn't say anything for a bit and I know this is the beginning of the end. It's inevitable. You just sit back and watch it happen. You can't stop it from happening. The Beatles "Let it be" starts running through my head and my throat tightens.

"Well, maybe tomorrow."

"Maybe," I half-whisper. I know I'll never see her. I have no drive to. Not because I don't care, but because she doesn't. I know she thinks I'm mad at her, but it's not that. I'm not mad. I'm hurt. I'm in love. I'm heartbroken.