Author's note: this is my first story and I know it's not great but I had to get it up as I have been trying to write this for a while. Also had to reload it, there were a few mistakes.

Life's Edge

Can I speak?
Do words come out of my mouth?
Yes they do.
Do you hear them?
Yes.
But do you listen?

I watch the darkness out side swallowing the earth, everything I see before me is slowly taken by the night. I've always like dusk, the time when the sun's beginning to set and darkness is beginning to take over. You can still see your surroundings, but at the same time you can remain hidden,

I think that's how I've led most of my life, hidden. I always let the darkness surround me so no one could see. So I guess it's my fault I'm here that I'm balancing on life's little edge. And I'm not sure if this time I'll fall.

I remember what it used to be like. I used to have friends that care, and I know that some part of them still cares and all the want is for me to be happy. But can't they except that I don't want to be happy? I can't be.

I remember all those times you've said 'let's go to the cinema,' or 'let's talk.' Every time you say those things you raise my hopes, and all I can think is maybe this is it. Maybe my friends have noticed how unhappy I am. Or maybe I can get away from my head for the weekend. Take a break from the mess inside, the clutter and screaming constantly going on.

You know, I'm sure I'm insane that it's not normal what I think, that to think of suicide so much and every time it crops up I try to push it out but its hard. So hard. It's not normal what I do. To take a blade to my skin. Some may call it attention seeking but I don't show people and I don't tell anybody if I can help it. Only 5 people know in the entire world and some of them weren't intentional, it's the only way I can cope if I didn't do it then I'd have been dead long ago.

But I know people will think I want attention but I don't. I don't want people to know that's what I do. And as I waited for those weekends to come where we would go to the cinema. You wouldn't mention it or you'd become busy and no matter how hard I try to tell myself that what you say is true, I can't help but I feel that it was intentional, that you're being my friend because you know.

You say harsh comments and I know you're only joking but it hurts. You tell me that if I eat anymore I'll explode and you only mean it as a joke but as I put that food back on the plate I cant help but think, 'should I stop eating?' or 'am I too fat?'

And I know that if you knew what I was thinking you'd pretend you care but as soon as possible you'd put it out of your head and go on and pretend that I'm ok. Cos to you that is the most important thing. Having a normal friend. Someone that's not an embarassment.

My parents are the same I wonder what they would say if they knew I was back in this place. That I was on the verge of falling. Would they continue the way that they do. Hurting me emotionally, they know that pain doesn't hurt me and that the only way to get to me is to go for my emotions.

I try to seem strong but I know I don't always succeed. I know that the typical analogy is a china doll so fragile and about to be broken. But that's not me. I was broken long ago and I lay here in pieces and occasionally I get the offer to be fixed. But I don't want to. I don't want to fixed.

I continue to stare at the night it completely dark and the cities light are showing. I site here crossed legged on my roof watching all the people walk by. Going home from there jobs, going back to their families or lives. Another day passing and they seem oblivious to the fact that today could be their last, I mean none of us know when it's the end.

I stare down wondering what would happen if I died right now. Would people mourn my death? I always thought it's be interesting to see your own funeral. To see who really cared and to watch people after to see how much you really impacted their life. I bet life wouldn't change when I'm gone.

Sometimes I wish that I could tell people, I can see you with your new boyfriend that you show off so proudly. But me. I was a secret. Were you ashamed of me? I wish that I could ask you.

Or should I be ashamed of who I am? Am I not a person do I deserve to live this life?

You all think I'm an idiot for trying to take my own life. For hurting myself. And maybe I am.

You always ask what got me to this place. What caused me to hate myself so much. Why do I think that I am worth absolutely nothing? But when it comes down to it, you don't want to know. You want me to continue this lie, like I am ok. That nothing is wrong. And everyday that I live I will. I will act like everything is ok. But why do I have to pretend when you get to be yourself?

I always hear people cursing and acting down and I always check that they're ok. I see other people concerned about them. But who's concerned about me?

No one.

I sigh heavily debating this and while it feels I have nothing to live for I know that I can't go not yet. I want to but I think that for tonight I don't have enough guts. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that I have tried before and failed and I know that if I failed tonight I could not face my parents.

So I pull myself down from the ledge and I put my feet firmly on the ground. I guess I'll live to see another day for now, and tomorrow I'll go to school and I know that my friends won't hear my screaming and that while I'm talking it's not me. That my real voice is silent and its merely people's expectations talking through me.

I make my way to my room
Heart pounding
And for one more night
I've kept my balance
But it feels that
I've lost my voice
And I know
I wont get it back

Dex

Thanks please R & R