Saltine Crackers on The Last Day of 2005

This is a poem about my stomachache and trying to find New Years Eve plans and coping with the surrealness of coming home after the first semester of college.

And we're all just running and we're all just faking

And I tell you I love you just so I won't feel alone at night

And I am NOT infallible, whoever let me believe I was?

Don't feed my ego. I will bite.

And Jesus Christ I'm just so delicate

I am glass, I am porcelain

I am a piece on the mantel, broken and reglued again and again

And we hope Mom and Dad will never find out

Because what the fuck, I can't stop shaking

No I can't stop shaking

I must stop doing terrible terrible things to my body

And god my words they keep me smiling

They keep me breathing when I forget how

Will this ever mean anything

Will I make that truth, black and white, that I pine for so desperately

At weird hours in the night

Sometimes I hear songs and they make me think my life is profound

But I don't want my life to be nothing but threads of other peoples' lyrics

I want to say something BOLD and TRUE

Something that will stick

My mother loves me very much

But there's a void that I can't fill for her

I don't want to be anyone's savior

I don't have what it takes to be a lover

I just can't stop shaking, I'm feeling sick

I always fucking feel sick, ill, I'm so broken

I feel like it's ninth grade again

There's just no way to apologize for who I am

I love you and I'm sorry, I love you and I'm sorry

Thank you thank you thank you

I just don't say it out loud enough

Because I am such chickenshit

I don't know how to love anybody

But more than that, I don't know how to let someone love me

I will always hate myself, deep down

I will always play on shuffle mode, chasing songs and chasing feelings

Trying to make the world feel right again

Sometimes I just dig the tune so much I forget why I was even mad