Smith:Oh, I could murder a cup of coffee. Coffee anyone?

Lloyd:If I have to explain one more time to those little brats…

Smith:Mr Lloyd! If you get angry they will have the satisfaction of victory!

Lloyd:They won long ago. (Flops back on chair)

Smith:(Notices something on the floor) What's that?

They move over to other side of the stage. White is lying on the floor.

Lloyd:What on earth are you doing down there?

White:Down here?

Lloyd:Yes, down there!

White:Reversing the effects of multiple individuals bellowing their assessment of reading in unison!

Smith:Bottom set English.




Smith:Did you get the traditional barrage of rubbers or have they tried something new?

White:No, still the same as always, although much bigger this time. I swear there must be an industrial strength office supply in this town somewhere.

Enter Head.

Lloyd:(Slightly fearful)Headteacher! (White leaps up) What can we do for you?

Head:(Grim) It's that time of year again.


Head:No, worse than that.


Head:Yes, (Moves over to table & places map on it. Others gather around) now as far as lessons go, depending on what classes he wants to see will decide how much we bribe the students. (Others nod in agreement) However, after last time's palaver we now know that there are no truces at lunch time so I suggest we organise a plan of attack.

All:(Nod) Right.

Head:(Pointing to places on map) We need to position teachers here, here, & here. In case of emergency you three will be positioned here.

Lloyd:(Surprised) The bell tower!


White:The one which leans just that little bit further every time somebody speaks?

Head:(Smugly) That's the one.

Smith:What good will we be up there?

Head:You will be given a pair of binoculars & a walkie-talkie. If you see anything suspicious, radio down.

All look at each other & then at Head.

Smith:Do we get any rations?

Head:No, you will have to be constantly alert. Eating will only distract you.

All moan & exit. Head exits other side. Smith, Lloyd, & White re-enter & sit on table.

White:(Shivering) Why did we have to be here half an hour early?


Anyone want a cup of tea?

Smith:I didn't think we were allowed.

White:(Grins) You're right, we aren't.

Lloyd:(Alert) What was that?



White:What's that?

Lloyd:That that!

Smith:(Fed up) Just tell us what you heard!

Lloyd:A creaking noise!

White:(Panic) Perhaps the tower's falling down!

Smith:Quick! Balance the weight!

Smith & White jump up, grab each others arms & lean back.

Lloyd:(Frantic) It's still creaking!

Lloyd runs to one side of the stage & stands on one leg.

Smith:Further right!

Lloyd hops right.

White:Stop! There. (Silence) What now?

Smith:We wait.

White:What for?


Lloyd:I spy…

Smith:(Snaps) Oh shut up!

Enter Head

Head:I just thought you ought to…

All:(Shout) Stop!

Head:(Freezes) What?

Lloyd:(Panicking) It's creaking again!

Smith & White let one arm go & lean out further.

Head:What on earth is going on?

Lloyd:Stand on one leg!

Head:Like this? (Stands on one leg)

Lloyd:That's right; we think the tower may be falling down.

Head:You what?

White:The tower's falling down!

Head:(Mockingly) You really are as thick as a lead mule! The tower isn't falling down! (Worried) Is it?


Smith:Is there any way we can call for help?

White:Maybe one of us could quickly run down.

Head:No! You'll knock down the tower!

Lloyd:If we very carefully tip-toe…

Head:No! Y…

Smith:Well we can't stay here for ever!


White:We need a plan.

Lloyd:Oh look, a rocket scientist.

As the conversation develops they slowly come out of balancing & move into a more natural pose.

Smith:Do you think that if we shout someone will hear us?

Head:Then they will come up here & get stuck as well.

Lloyd:Why has this thing never been knocked down? It's clearly dangerous!

Head:You know as well as I do that we never take the students' rumours seriously.

White:I'm surprised the inspectors don't want to have a look at it.

Head:We managed to find a loop hole to stop them coming up here.

White:What was that?

Head:The brickwork is different on this to the rest of the school so it doesn't have to be classed as part of the school. It is just a building on school grounds.


Head:Yes, it also means we don't have to pay maintenance.

Smith:Now you tell us!

White:We're going to be up here for ever!

Lloyd:Oh no don't start that.

White:(Shouts) Well, what am I supposed to do? (Freezes for a moment & looks around)


White:Have you noticed how we aren't laid on the floor in a pile of bricks?

Head:(Taps the floor lightly with his/her foot then stamps) He's right! We don't have to worry about paying maintenance after all!

Lloyd:We do have to worry about the inspection though.

All freeze & dash over to front of stage as if looking out of the window.

White:Oh dear!

Smith:Action plan delta?

Head:Never thought I'd have to use that again.

Lloyd:I'll go spike the drinks.

Smith:I'll lure them to you.

As they exit they talk about what they are going to do.