Pain Addict


I was an addict

Without an addiction

I didn't have a problem

But I craved a solution

I had to rise above the pain

That had begun to implode

Inside of me

Shit I could not control

I kept you at a distance

And pushed you further away

You could not understand

My addiction to pain

The urges

Revolutionizing my need

Brought me about

To the smoking of weed

Something in me

Needed the smoke

I had to know why

I felt like a joke.

It became my own mystery

(the source of my pain)

I began bottling up

What I didn't want to explain

And then the smoke

Just wasn't enough

I was still choking

But it wasn't from love.

Tears, I realized, were too fragile

Under the weight

Seemed they came to freely

To have any strength

So scarlet tears

Took their place

Bleeding from my wrists

And not from my face

It was an instant release

A relief from the pain

The pressure that'd built up

All went away

Too easily-

I should have known

You cannot defeat

What is written in stone

The world became colder

Than it'd ever before

I still had no answers

My heart still felt sore

This was it

My last wish and only hope

I got addicted to liquor

Surely it could help me cope

Stumbling around at parties

And playing drinking games

I'd drink the pain away

Or at least until I didn't know my name

But, nothing got better

The hurt did not cease

My addictions overpowered

they took hold of me

True, each addiction had its own

temporary cure

That numbed me from the pain

Until I needed more

But the more I pretended to be okay

And the more I didn't care

The more alone I became

Until no one was there

And you

Who said you'd never leave

Gave up

You said, that you could not help me

I guess it all worked

Now I really am fucked

I proved myself right

But didn't do me good

I created the pain

That I could not explain

Buckled under the weight

and put myself in a grave

I'm an addict to pain

The rest is a show

Pain is the strongest cancer

Its addicts always die slow.