February 21, 2003
Mom's pregnant. It's disgusting. She's forty-six! She can't have another kid. I'm almost sixteen; there will be sixteen whole years between me and my future brother/sister. That's just gross! How can she just let Dad knock her up? Filthy. My life sucks. I want to go back to Ontario. God, I miss my friends. :(
love & kisses,
February 25, 2003
Love is overrated…
I think I just lost Mitch…
We had another fight about Dad. Why can't he just understand that Dad is a scoundrel? He's a child-beating alcoholic, and I hate him. I envy Madge for having a kind Military father. I envy Aries and Dante for having a great, hilarious, fun-loving Dad… This sucks, you know? WHY CAN'T HE JUST UNDERSTAND ME, DAMMIT?!
Less love and kisses…
February 24, 2003
I talked to Mitch. He said he loves me, but we should just remain good friends. Good friends?! Jesus Christ, NO! God, just kill me now… please…
absolutely no love and kisses,
February 25, 2003
Got a ninety on my Physics test… Mom was so proud. -eye roll- Haven't heard from Mitch yet. Should I be surprised? Tell me honestly.
With a broken heart,
There's this guy in school that likes me, apparently. Also, there's a rumor going around that he's going to ask me out tomorrow at lunch. Bullshit. Who would like me? Me, the quiet girl who sits in the back of every class. The girl with boring, straight plum-colored hair and indigo eyes. This school is vicious. The kids won't leave me along. Ugh.
With many blah's,
February 26, 2003
Well he asked me out. And I said yes. Why? Because I don't know. Maybe he'll help me get over Mitch? I called Sadie and she said that will never happen. It's funny how right that sarcastic thirteen year old can be. Oh well. I'll try. His name's Keith Sash by the way. Grace Sash. Nope. Not working for me. Grace Hanson still beats all…
Moving on... kind of,
February 28, 2003
Keith is really nice. He kissed me today, after walking me home from the mall. The surprising thing, well, two surprising things;
1) I didn't stop him.
2) It was right in front of Mitch.
Do I feel guilty? Not really. I know… it's shocking. I still miss him, though. But I'll get over it, right? Anyway, I called Sadie today, and good Jesus, guess what?! She's dating someone! I know! Sadie, my thirteen year old, I'm-a-tomboy-and-I'll-kick-your-sorry-ass friend, is dating. And it's not any old guy. It's Alex Johansson! He's sixteen, and Nikki's older brother. She said he was walking her home and then asked. Haha. Three years isn't that much of a gap, but I wonder if her mother is okay with it. She sounded kind of embarrassed. Miki and Jeron are still together, and she's on the honor roll again. Sweet.
It's all coming back together,
March 1, 2003
Happy March! Mitch confronted me today about Keith.
"He's dangerous. Keith has a reputation around here, Grace. Break it off while you still have a chance." he said.
I tried to walk away but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. I was shocked.
"Seriously, Grace. I still love you." he said through gritted teeth, and kissed me. I wanted to push him away… I wanted to yell that I was with Keith, but what did I do? I wrapped my arms around his neck and I kissed him back. Hard. Yes, yes, I'm embarrassed. What else was I supposed to do? You have no idea how much I was missing him. Afterwards we went back to his place and just talked. And I mean really, talked. About every little thing. I poured my entire heart out to him again and this time he just listened. Really listened. When the topic of Dad came up he told me that no matter what, he will remain by my side and help me with whatever obstacles I happen to meet.
What am I going to tell Keith!? I am unbelievably happy that Mitch and I are back together, but poor Keith… I think he really likes me and I can't help but feel guilty. Oh, the dilemmas of being a teenager. I'm going to call Nikki. She went through the same thing once… with her baby's daddy.
Happy once again,
March 2, 2003
Well I told Keith. He tried to make it look like he wasn't hurt, but I could tell he was. I promised him that I would still be his friend, but I doubt he believed me. He just nodded and walked away. Mitch, who was waiting behind the lot came out and hugged me. I'm so happy we're together again. I was actually beginning to think that we were completely over. I'm probably boring you with all my lovey-dovey ranting. So I'm going to stop. Now I will rant about Dad;
He got into a huge fight with me today. He said that I'm a whore because I dress like one. Today I was wearing a skirt that fell past my knees and a flimsy tank top! What the hell! Mom said that I looked like a lady and he hit me! God, the second I hit eighteen, I am SO ditching this damned joint.
You know, sometimes I feel like ending it all. It won't take much, either. Just a blade, and my wrists. Some candle wax. Or even better, the gun that Dad has in his cabinet; he's an police officer. It would all be over like that. Quick and easy. I would never have to see the rotten son of a bitch, again. But, then I would be leaving Mom, my friends, and Mitch behind. And of course, my future brother/sister. I want to be here when they start high school, you know? Sounds corny, I know, but it's true. I can live with my father. But I know the ones who truly love me, won't be able to live if I'm not here. Wow, I sound conceited. Didn't mean for that.
March 3, 2003
Dad is cheating on Mom! I saw him! Jesus Christ! May God smite him for his damned sins!
Mitch and I were walking home from school, and I saw Dad standing at this old Chevy with some lady. Mitch told me to leave him but I ran around one of the bushes and watched them. He was with this tall brunette, and at first I thought he was giving her a ticket or something, but then they moved slightly and I saw that their faces were glued together. Mitch saw it, too. Quickly, he pulled me away and sat with me on the park bench while I cried. I bawled my eyes out like I was Mom, and I had just witnessed Dad's infidelity. Mitch held me and stroked my hair while I sobbed and wailed.
"I love you, Grace." he whispered into my ear while stroking my hair, "Your Dad will get what he deserves soon enough. Nobody cheats on your amazing mother and gets away with it."
I want to laugh (and cry). About two things, I was absolutely positive;
1) Mitch did love me.
2) Dad would get away with it. He gets away with everything…
I want to tell Mom. I want her to divorce the son of a gun and go back to Ontario. But I also want her to be happy… and I know that with Dad, she is just that… My life is a soap opera
I hate my father,
March 5, 2003
"The only thing that makes me smile is knowing that I'm his everything..."
I love Mitch :)
Skipped school today. Sick. Dad's coming. I bet the principal called. I'm in for it now.
Waiting for my black eye,
March 7, 2003
I can't take it. I can't fucking take it anymore. My stupid father! ARGH! I want him to die! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! I can't believe what he did to me… I'm still in shock. Fuck. My tears are all over the pages. Ugh. I feel so unbelievably dirty.
He came into my room this morning… while I was sleeping. I felt him sit down and opened my eyes. He gestured for me to be quiet and wiped my hair from my face.
"You're so pretty, Gracie." he mumbled and I choked when I smelt the whiskey on his breath, "Like your mother."
"What do you want, Dad?" I asked, edging away. He quickly grabbed my hand and fingered my nightgown.
"Don't be afraid." he whispered, leaning closer, "Don't be afraid of me. I love you, Gracie."
I looked towards my door. It was barricaded shut with my dresser and I felt panic rise up in me. I wondered what he was doing…
"Dad," I said, "Get away. I'll call Mom."
"She's passed out on the couch…" he groaned, leaning closer. His parched lips landed on my throat and I screamed. Quickly, as if it were a reflex, his hand shot to my mouth and muffled my screams. I struggled and kicked his gut.
Cursing, he rolled onto the ground and smashed his glass against my head. God, I can't even describe the pain. I felt like someone was smashing my head against a brick wall. He wrenched the dresser away from my door and stormed out.
I have to tell Mom… I have to. Oh, God. But how am I going to tell her?
God, help me,