We were children of broken homes. Lovers of stolen trust. Partners of Perpetual Isolation. We were trapped in a self induced mental torture chamber that refused every chance to let anything out from our own silent refuge, or anyone in. We were Soundless. We whispered every word.
I was curious. She had been curious. I was in a shit mood. Complain. Criticise. I Don't Care Anymore.
Then we found our match.
I stretched out a desperate arm to her needs. We shared our fears and embraced them with impeccable passion. Alone No Longer but still Lonely.
There was a barrier. Why couldn't we do it? Beneath our facades we shared a rising intensity that scarred our souls. Somehow we knew.
Discover the bonds of our strange affiliation. We drank to our deaths. Our lives. Our rotting souls. I shared with her the essence of my soul carefully placed beneath waves of hidden metaphors.
Was there something more?
She rang up that night. Drunk. Said she loved me. Wants me in bed with her.
Why do I feel the way I do?
She was strong and silent, but inside shattered and bare. I loved her for her inexplicable silence. Everyone else saw that but she showed me Something Else. She told me things she told nobody. She was sweet. Compassionate.
We found each other through broken lies. I was enhanced by the treachery of her beauty. The sight of her made me weak. We were kindred spirits. Forgotten souls. She held my hand with a hidden intensity. We cut class together and smoked. Curling up with each other, I tried and tried to get enough of her but Always Failed. We were mistaken for lovers. The actual mistake was ambiguous.
Was there something more?
She came to school with bandages. Shredded flesh. Dribbling gashes carefully hidden beneath heavy clothing. She said it was a cat scratch. I was obliged to believe her.
We bled from the same wounds.
Absence. I missed her that day. It was hot. She never left my head.
Broken words that mirrored my soul.
Suicide Note. Her story was devastating. It ripped me inside. Her words echoed my own. The shock paralysed me. I could barely stand.
Pills. Hospital. Withered wrists.
I loved you, you idiot. I loved you more than anything else in the world. I thought you knew. I thought you understood. You told me never to give in. Why did you do it? You were the string keeping me alive. Let me help you. I can ease your pain.
The tears spoke for me. I cried until I couldn't.
I can't believe you almost left us.
Following that were days of empty grief. The school got involved. The counsellor's office became my classroom. There were tears. Questions. None of us bothered going to class.
The school counsellor pulled me into her office when everyone else left. Wanted to know about my self harm. We couldn't avoid the topic of Home. After countless sessions the cryptic words came spitting out like soft drizzling rainfall. She wanted to get the authorities involved. See if I should really be in my mother's custody.
No, don't do that. It's not that bad. Please. I don't want her to know I told.
It was Her who made me think about it. We found each other through the darkness like lost children on the street.
I could no longer ignore the painful feelings of loss that made the days stretch into months. I rang the hospital. I reached her. Something foreign and unfamiliar rolled from my tongue.
I love you.
Her voice shook when she repeated it back. I could feel her tone tighten. She shied away from the exposure.
I saw her the day she came out. We talked and smoked like nothing happened. We cuddled up to each other and made subtle hints. Finally I kissed her. Softly.
Just an experiment.
She didn't come back to school. She drove me crazy. That day slipped through my fingers like tiny morsels of sand. I continued on my downward spiral of self hatred. She made me realise I'd been lying to myself my whole life. I felt empty. Tainted.
God, it hurts so much. Help me find a reason to live.
It didn't happen. I realised I'd always be alone. Nothing was below me.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going. I'm not running from anything. My head is too much to live with. I've been my only friend for too long.
The pills made me weak. I had collapsed by the time I was found.
The hospital smells of sickness. My body is giving way. I can't walk. I'm crying.
In the Emergency Room I think of her. I drift in and out of consciousness with heart monitors attached to my chest and IVs sounding angrily.
I don't want to see counsellors, I just want to rest.
I called her in the psychiatric ward. The words came spilling out. She cried when she found out where I said everything was going to be alright. She was going to come and rescue me.
Five Weeks. When I got out she called me every week. We talked about Anything and Everything. She never talked about It but always rang me in need. We waded through our own self induced Fear with mutual ties. I clung to her like a helpless child. Her voice was soft. She intrigued me. She cared about me. Why did she care about me?
Shelter me from the pain. I know you're there somewhere.
Somewhere along the way we got lost. I felt uncomfortable. She was angry at the world. Time and Distance overthrew us. The hospital was involved. Mental Sickness blemished our ties.
I didn't return her calls. She didn't call. It was our Silent Agreement. My passion for her faded. I deleted everything that reminded me of her. I was over her.
The hospital calls. She'd ran away. They didn't know where she was. Wanted to know if she'd contacted me.
It pains me to say your name.
All the feelings came back. I hated her for loving her. I couldn't tame the anger. It was eating my soul. She didn't contact me. She had walked out of my life without a word. As if it was all just an empty joke.
Five months later. I get more and more obsessed. She won't leave my head. I knew she'd changed but I couldn't help uncover the memories.
I loved you. I can't believe you didn't notice, you fuck. I don't know who you are anymore.I rememberwhen your eyes used to glisten. I've been in love with you since the day you held my hand. It's so hard to let you go. You were strong back then. Now you've lost it all. Or maybe you were never beautiful in the first place.
The photos made me cripple. I got smashed off my face. I sent her an e-mail.
Why can't I get over you? I don't know anymore. Maybe in my mind I love you but in reality I don't. Maybe I hate you. It's over now. You're gone. Maybe I was too intense. Maybe you were scared of opening up. It doesn't matter anymore. It hurts to think of you. Fuck this. Fuck you.
Back Then seemed like yesterday. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that Change had taken place. I felt like something had been wrenched from myfragile clasp. It was over.
I wasn't expecting a reply. Social Services took her away from her mother. Her story was shattering. It slit my spirit.
Why couldn't it happen to me? Why were you the one with painful secrets andbroken shadows? Why did you never talk?
Envy wasn't the word. More like lust. She changed me. Pulled me into her life. Her grasp was intense. I loved her like a drug. She Saved me and Destroyed me. She's gone now.
Give me a sign that I'm not alone.