I watched her golden eyes meet mine for the last time as the bus pulled away. God, what could I have done to deserve this? I watched the tears stream down her face, feeling myself yearn to kiss them away, to tell her that everything was going to be okay. Now I sit here, as the last of her presence slips away, and I feel like I have failed her, I feel as if I could have done something to keep her here. GOD! I can't stand her not being here, not draping her arms around my neck, or me not being able to kiss her and seeing her love for me. Someone save me, for I know I cannot live without her.
It had been two months, since I had gotten into that bus and left that town. Two months without Ryan. I didn't call him or speak to him in this time, even though I knew my heart will surly break if I didn't. I had made many new friends to keep me company, but still felt a deep home sickness, to see Emily, my best friend, and even more Ryan. I had believed more than anything that he and I were soul mates, but in a way, I feel like it was never meant to be. I shook my head at this thought, if I told myself that my heart would rip into two. I gathered my school books and walked outside, and out to Joey's car. Joey was now one of my very close friends, when I had first arrived in town; I had met him at school. He was in most of my classes, so he and I became friends very quickly. Now he gives me rides to and from my apartment, where I live with my aunt.
I climbed out of Joey's small white car, and waved a quick thank you to him, not even sure he saw me. The stairs ahead where long, the building itself was three stories high, and of course, just my luck, with the load of junk I had in my book bag, we lived on the top floor.
Finally reaching our apartment, I opened the door and found my aunt was passed out on the couch. Beer cans and bottles surrounded her, and on the table there had to have been more than fifteen cans, all finished. I was sure there wasn't a drop left in any of them. I set my bag down, leaving the cans purposefully on the table so she would pick them up later. Pressing the on-button for the computer, I moved the mouse slightly, watching my screen name pop up in bright red letters. I signed in on my e-mail and gasped. 430 new messages, there wasn't one junk message. 310 messages where from Ryan, in which I didn't take the time to read, I just deleted them, knowing that with the 'okay' button I clicked, my heart had cracked a bit more. I have a new life, I told myself, feeling the tears drawing up in my eyes. I moved the mouse over the block button as I watched Ryan's screen name show a big red line through it.
After balling my eyes out on the floor of my bedroom, finishing my homework, and fixing dinner for myself, I found time to write in my diary.
I can hardly see to write, I started crying again. Today, I finally let him go. I deleted every message, including blocked his user name. I can hardly believe I have made it this far without talking to him. I've been doing a good job getting on with my life, but still I feel like screaming, and hopping on the first bus back to New York. I'm not sure I will never love anyone more than I love him, but I need to move on to someone else. Joey and I are pretty good friends, who knows?, maybe I can start going out with him… or maybe it's too soon? Omg, I'm about to cry again. I have to change the subject. Today, I heard a rumor from Jennifer about Max and Hanna. It was sooooo appalling, I won't even repeat it. OH! It's getting later then I realized. It 11:00, I have a big day tomorrow; me and Joey are going to the movies to see "Thriller".
sorry about the messy writing
I climbed into the backseat of Joey's car; Maria was already in the front seat. Joey had called in early this morning; telling me Maria and Carl were coming with us. Carl, who was sitting next to me yelled at Joey to put on some music. The blaring music filled the car as we sped up. I stared at the blur of surroundings that whizzed past us, and felt someone's eyes on me. I turned my head, to see Joey staring at me through the rearview mirror. Blushing, I watched him return the gesture.
After the movie, Joey dropped Max and Maria off at Max's house, and we went out to lunch together. We sat in a two person booth at the Mayshipton town diner. His eyes scanned over me, and I looked away, pretending not to realize what he was doing. "You look nice today Ann…" I looked at him and laughed. "I'm in a t-shirt and ripped jeans. How more basic can you get?" He laughed at my answer. "Ann…. I was, I was wondering… w-would you go out with me?" I gasped, and felt my heart catch. NO! I just wanted to scream. But then my mind was screaming back at me YES YES YES! I dug my nails into the vinyl seats and looked into his eyes. "Yes." Well…. That wasn't as hard as I thought, but at the same time, a picture of Ryan came into my mind. Damn…
Joey drove me home a little later that afternoon, and my aunt was out to work. Soon as I walked in the door, I fell on my knees and began to cry. I just wanted to call Joey and scream I DON'T LOVE YOU I LOVE RYAN! But then…. I just felt like crawling under a rock and dieing. "Help me lord…" I sobbed as I picked myself up off the ground…