She's blocked me. I received the message this afternoon. I haven't the slightest thought on why she would do this to me... she knows how much I love her, she knows how I understand her, how I tingle every moment I see her. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SELFISH ACT! My hand is shaking with every word I write, and I can't seem to calm myself. Hours pass, and all I want to do is feel her curl in my arms, for her emotional needs, for mine. There is no way I can live without her... I need her. I will do anything in my power to get her back. But why is she ignoring me?
Believe it or not, I realize my perfect life-to-be has come crashing down on me once more. It's been two days since Joey asked me out, and so far I have managed to totally break down when he went to kiss me! I've managed to lie my way out of going to school for a few days; I had told my aunt I was sick, but I know I can't keep the act up. My eyes have run out of tears to cry, they burn as my eyelids stick to my eyes… I just want to turn back, go straight into Ryan's arms and tell him how terribly sorry I am, but I just can't make myself turn now. It's too late.
Finally managing to grab some sleep, I dream only of Ryan. The kisses, the way he would make me feel while in his arms, but then, the dream isn't a dream so much anymore. It's a painful memory. I begin to feel him kissing lower, feeling my shirt come over my head, and his bare chest now sliding against my naked body, and me, loving every second of it feeling the urge for more. The memory is so clear, I feel everything as it was, as I wish was now… To actually feel how it is, you must live through such an experience… and I cannot explain it to you any better. My dream soon evaporates like a quick mist, leaving me breathing quick, shallow breaths in my bed. I need him.
I felt Ryan with me again. For some reason I can't believe that I left him. HA! Here I am again, crying over my stupid stupid choice and yet, I have yet to reveal even to you, dearest diary, of why I left him. I cannot bring myself to tell even my best of friends, that is, you. Dear Diary, you have been everything to me so far, and even though it may seem very stupid for me to be calling the pages of this book my best friend, but it is you that I hold on to most dearly. I truly hope I have not upset you for not telling you, but you see Ryan doesn't even know why yet, just the excuses. That is all for one night; it seems my eyes had more tears then I thought to be possible.
Love your dear good friend,
I close my little black spine diary, as I watch a tear hit its denim cover. I slip my hand under my mattress, and pull out my most hidden secret.
Tonight I forced myself to avoid thoughts of Anna. It didn't work for very long I will tell you that. I promised myself never to try that again 'cause I ended up thinking about jumping off a cliff lol! Anna… Anna… Anna! I can't seem to get her name out of my head right now. I feel pain searing through my mind, my heart. It won't go away! I wonder if she misses me the slightest bit. Does she even try to remember me? Or does she try and forget? Somehow, I believe she misses me… despite the fact that it's her own fault. I can't get used to the pillow that sleeps beside me in stormy nights, the ones she would sneak into my room late at night, to hug me tight, and somehow slip through my arms the next morning, not even noticed by my parents or dog. Her smell has finally faded away from my pillows... I can't use anything she has ever given me, in fear. In the fear that it might break and I'll never be able to feel her presence again. Is something truly wrong with me? HAH! All the sudden I realize, I'm Mr. Sensitivity! God the pain is now unbearable. I need to go lay down for a day or five. I'll write whenever I find the light to Heaven in the Hell I am slowly and painfully burning in.
I've finally decided to get rid of my childish, oh-so childish acts. I click the unblock button on my messenger. He's on. With several skipped heartbeats, a double click on his name, and begin to type. Not knowing exactly what to say, I erase several messages fully, before finally deciding to have the guts just to say a simple hey.
Wonderfulannalise: Yeah its me…
RYANTHEPYRO: Are you alright? I've missed you so much! There is so much I wanna tell you!
Wonderfulannalise: no… don't. me first
Wonderfulannalise: I've been super childish! And I know you're taking that as an I-feel-guilty thing… but the truth is I don't feel a bit guilty. I know what I've done, and I did it for a reason.
RYANTHEPYRO: so… you don't care the least bit about leaving?
Wonderfulannalise: you know I didn't mean it like that….
RYANTHEPYRO: do I really?
Wonderfulannalise: heh…. One day I will be able to tell you why. But plz, not now.
RYANTHEPYRO: uh-huh sure.
Wonderfulannalise: well… I'm glad to have finally tlked to you. C u around
RYANTHEPYRO: I love you.
Wonderfulannalise: C u around.
Tears roll down my cheeks once more. This time I attempt to hold them back. At least talking to him made me feel a little better, no matter how hard it was to ignore his 'I love you'.