77A/n: Wow…I actually managed to figure out how to publish things on this site.
I'm so proud…anyway, this chapter is dedicated to all my gullible friends who send out several mega bytes worth of chain mail (a.k.a, SPAM) due to their fear of Bloody Mary coming to hack their heads off in the middle of the night. Just out of curiosity, exactly how many countries did that chain mail get to, anyway?
A Horoscope A Week
Chapter 1: If You Say Gullible Slowly, It Sounds Like the Word "Orange"
Aries: Saturn's moons are aligned and this means your luck is at an all time lo-high. High. Definitely high. You should put all your life savings in the stock market and play Russian Roulette. That's how lucky you're going to be this week. Honest. Though…you might want to look both ways before you cross the road tomorrow morning. Just in case.
Taurus: This week is a time for taking risks. In fact, you should go and play Russian Roulette with all your Aries friends. Go on, run along now. Shoo!
Gemini: You will receive a deadly chain letter concerning a dead girl (COUGHbloodymaryCOUGH) who, for some reason or another, visits chat rooms and can travel through mirrors. Because of this, ensure that you send this chain letter to all your friends, thus both clogging their inboxes and saving your own ass at the same time! It's a win-win situation! For more information, watch Supernatural on Monday. Channel 10, 9.30 p.m. You can't miss it.
Cancer: People around you, whether they are in school or in the office, all seem to like you, don't they? Well, guess what? They don't. In fact, later this week, you'll die from a work-related accident. At least, that's what they'll tell your family.
Leo: You will meet your death at the hands of a Nutrigrain bar. Be wary of any giant magnets around your home or you will soon realize that while Iron Man food might seem good for you, it also makes you magnetic.
Virgo: You seem like the kind of person to believe everything a horoscope tells you…this week, you should sell all of your belongings and move to Portugal. There you will meet The Love Of Your Life…but be wary: as is the way of chick flicks, deceptively flat surfaces will trip you up at inopportune moments.
Libra: You're going to be hit by a bus today. Don't even try to change it, it's just gonna happen. To make things easier on your family, try standing out in the middle of the street as against inside your house so that the bus doesn't have to smash all the way through said house. I mean, can you imagine what that'll do to your insurance?!
Scorpio: You will have the urge to read the book Amadans, by Malachy Doyle. Unless you are trying to be the first to commit suicide by boredom, don't.
Sagittarius: You doubtlessly have several thousand mega bytes worth of spam from your Gemini friends. Type in a different subject title on each and send them all back to said Gemini friends. Laugh evilly as they all tear their hair out after reading the same thing 666moo6666493743duck6592893 times and their inboxes implode.
Capricorn: God shall smite thee with his Evil Coconut of Doom, you wicked, wicked person: how could you possibly have gone 0.0007 km/ph over the speed limit! How could you?!
Aquarius: Trying to publish a story on fictionpress, eh? You won't get very far. Get a life and stop including yourself in your own horoscopes you stupid little girl.
Pisces: God'll also smite you 'cause the author was in a bad mood after her own horoscopes insulted her.
Today's Birthday: You're gonna be smited too because...just...because.