A Horoscope A YEAR…and a Couple of Months After That
No, no, no; that's not it…
A Horoscope A Month or Two
No…I mean, judging by my updating abilities, it's a more accurate name but…yes! I've got it:
A Horoscope A "Week" ::hack, cough::
Chapter 8: In whichthe author rises from the dead, only to have all the readers die from the sheer shock of an update.
Aries: Have you been given a boring assignment lately? Are you dreading hours of incredibly dull research? You shouldn't be: there are much worse things than boring assignments and all of them came along with the idea of 'making learning fun'.
There are several problems with this, the first being that achieving the impossible is...well...a bit ambitious, particularly for those on a teacher's salary. The second problem is that most schools keep all of their teachers until they're about 60 freakin' years old out of "school loyalty" and as such, it is these people who are inspired to 'make learning fun'. The problem with this is that when one is 60-something years old, one's idea of fun is something along the lines of rolling a hula hoop down the street with a stick, unless, of course, you're one of those cool people who move along with the times and if that's the case, I sincerely doubt that you'd be a teacher.
Anyway, before this whole fun-learning-thing was introduced, the most embarrassing thing about school that could be assessed was the occasional oral presentation; you know those speeches which you have to give about the most boring things to have ever existed? Now, on the other hand, there are a whole vista of mortifying things you may be forced to be involved in and if you read on, I think you'll see how lightly you got off.
A fictional scenario is basically when teachers try to encourage you to learn in an interesting and fun way by making you tell the class about your subject through doing something that isn't a long and dreary speech about it.
Fictional scenarios can be about anything from TV advertisements to trips to the zoo and the types of things you will be required to do in such fictional scenarios include, but are not restricted to:
- Advertising something that no one wants…like an element from the periodic table. Look, no one is gonna want to buy your damn Magnesium, no matter how 'interesting' and 'creative' your advert is.
- Making stupid animal noises. I don't think I even really need to explain this one.
- Constantly talking/referring to someone who isn't actually there and may not even exist. When writing down the script for your fictional scenario, you will probably make the mistake of naming this person something stupid such as Futmut or Chimp Man in an attempt to make your scenario funny. Here's a word of advice: don't. Attempts at humour in fictional scenarios will always go wrong: if it isn't you getting nervous and stuttering through the whole thing ("Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what d'd'd'd'd'd'd'd'you th-th-th-th-th-th-think, Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chimp M-m-m-m-m-man?), it's a construction crew building a new school theatre or something in the background and if it isn't them, it's a huge storm and if it isn't that, everything will be fine but some huge tragedy (e.g, a tsunami, hurricane or tidal wave) will have struck another country and therefore, everyone will be all sad and gloomy whilst watching slow-mo replays of aforementioned tragedy on TV and no one will care about you and Chimp Man anyway.
- Trying and failing to create 'realistic sound effects'.
- Miming. Enough said.
- If not miming, hiring a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.
Here is an example of a normal speech turned into a fictional scenario:
You: The tiger has claws. It goes, 'ROAR'. The author has a pathetic knowledge of tigers. Tigers are found here, here, here and maybe even here. They eat antelope, elk and other animals with stupid names. Tigers have stripes.
Scene opens: you and your good ol' invisible pal, Chimp Man, are walking through the Amazon Rainforest for no particular reason.
You: Hey Chimp Man! Isn't this cool? Walking through the Amazon Rainforest for no particular reason, I mean.
::you do an awkward leap into the position that Chimp Man is supposedly in, nod, then jump back again::
You: Oh my-
::back in reality, a thunderstorm hits. Cue lightning, thunder, hail; anything to make it harder for the audience to hear you::
You: -gosh, Chimp Man, d'you hear that rustling?
::back to reality again, an announcement has just come over the P.A system::
P.A Announcer Guy: Attention! Teachers, we apologize ::cough, cough:: for this interruption but we have just heard that a Super Ultimate X-Treme Tsunami-Tidal-Hurricane Wave has just hit America, England and New Zealand! All at the same time! Without hitting (insert name of country that you are in…if it was one of the above, substitute another one in place of it)! At all!
Teacher: No! Not Great Great Great Aunt Muriel! ::cue tragic sobbing/wailing::
You: Ahem- ::thunder/lightning/hail crashes loudly in the background…even though lightning can't crash. In fact, I don't think hail can, either.::
::various members of your class burst into tears…or question why on earth a natural disaster's name sounds suspiciously like a ride at the carnival::
You: Oh my Go-oodness! It's a Phyltherium Nigerthisisafakescientificnameius!
Lightning bolt: ::temporarily blinds everyone::
You: yelling at the top of your lungs AND IT HAS RETRACTABLE CLAWS WHICH ARE PRECISELY 8.3857204 CENTIMETRES LONG AND LIVES FOR ABOUT 40 YEARS IN THE WILD AND 50 YEARS IN CAPTIVITY AND-
::as you would do, if you were a storm, the thunder decides to try and outdo the lightning by deafening everyone.::
-3 cheers for fragmented hearing!-
You: …80-90 KILOGRA…3-4 CUBS A…CHIMP MAN… ELK …ORANGE…AH, ::EXPLETIVE:: IT ALL!
All: ::is silent::
Of course, this is the bit where you get suspended for a week or 6 for 'such vulgar language'.
Web quests are basically when your teacher directs you to a supposedly interesting, hip and interactive website (I think the use of the word 'hip' should hint as to why web quests exist…) which you are generally supposed to look at for about 2 hours and learn about…whatever topic it is you're looking at. You are meant to enjoy this and learn heaps but as is per normal when one is on the computer, most people tend to drift towards pinball or various online arcades as against the interesting, hip and interactive website.
Web quests are the equivalent of reaching out to the younger generation, also known as:
- The MTV Generation
- Generation X
- The Blobs of the Future (::cough, obesity epidemic, cough::)
- Them Damn Kids
- I DON'T CARE BUT GET THEM OFF-A MY LAWN!
Anyhow, web quests are meant to reach out to us kiddies, which is a very nice gesture and all but really…well, this is what tends to happen:
1 – Teacher announces that class is going to try a web quest. There is much cheering.
2 – Students discover that web quest is about cells/integers/fractions/elements/insert-boring-topic-here. There is much disappointed sighing.
3 – Students discover that the super-computers in the computer lab have 3-D pinball on them. There is much "WTF?!"-ing
4 – Students perfect the art of dodging between web quest and pinball. There is much rapid clicking of mice.
5 – Students play pinball for 4 days and get up to level 28672574589265982. There is more "WTF?!"-ing, this time from students' parents who see them running to the computer in order to play pinball.
6 – Teacher announces that there will be a test in 5 days.
7 – Students continue playing pinball anyway ("Gotta get up to level 28672574589265983, then I'll stop, I swear!")
8 – Students are given test
9 – Tests are graded
10 – Class average is 9 percent due to the extra credit question…which was on pinball
So, as you can see here, this option of learning isn't all that great, either.
The New Super-Special Textbook
The new super-special textbook isn't even a new method of learning: it's just when teachers teach their class from a new (as in, really, really new) textbook. The plus side of this is that the students start off the lessons feeling privileged and/or special because they get to check out the books first, unfortunately, the downside of this is that the students really do see the books first…even before the editors. This may result in:
- Students having a firm belief in that fact that 3 plus 6 equals 8
- Students feeling the intense need to check that everything they read is actually correct. Symptoms of this may include students using their calculators as book marks.
- Students writing the answers to all the questions on tests…including questions that weren't even there (for more information on this, see the author's note at the end of the chapter)
- Students throwing uproarious parties when discovering that they wouldn't be using the book anymore. Variations of this include mass suicide by paper cut when teachers announce that they will be returning to the new super-special textbook in a month or two.
The point of all this, m'dear Aries friends, is to show you this: there are far worse things than death- I mean, than boring assignments.
Taurus: It slices! It dices! It shreds! It cleans itself! And you can have one for just 3 easy payments of $39.95!
If you have an awful pair of curtains or a couch you'd like to get rid of, buy your cat today!
Gemini: Do you struggle with sticking to deadlines? Are you a procrastinator to the bone? Do you often find yourself producing entire documents in just one day? Yes? Well then, read on, for here lies (if you'll pardon the horrendous pun)…
The Ultimate Guide to Creating Excuses for Any Occasion
Well, you don't really need very much to get started here: all you really need is a…actually, you don't need anything to get started. Let's move on and never speak of this section again.
The Structure of an Excuse
Let's take a look at a very basic excuse:
"I couldn't hand in my homework because my dog ate it."
There are 3 main parts in this excuse: the accused, the item and the reason.
The accused in this case is 'I' – the person who is being accused of not handing in work on time.
The item in this case is 'homework' – the item that the accused has not handed in.
The reason in this case is 'because my dog ate it' – why the accused could not hand in the item.
We would probably take a closer look at each part of the excuse but…meh. Just check that you have each part when you create your own excuse, bringing me to…
Creating An Excuse
This is where the problem comes in: how can we use this knowledge in order to create the perfect excuse? This is where the guide comes in handy: all you have to do is pick one word or phrase from each of the collections below
- I (if you couldn't find anyone else to tell your excuse for you/back you up)
-They (for groups of accused people)
- He (for males, obviously)
- She (for females, also obviously
- It (for classmates of questionable genders)
- Chimp Man (for when you're so desperate that you're blaming things on characters that don't exist)
- couldn't hand in (insert appropriate pronoun of your Collection #1 word here) (insert item here) because
- was unable to hand in (pronoun)(item) because
- ne pouvait pas soumettre (umm…le pronoun?)("les itêm") parce que
- like/s to dance the hula because (for when the situation is so hopeless you'd at least like to tell the class something about yourself)
- our house was attacked by otters.
- (insert anything you want here: elephant, Chimp Man, Boris…anything) had the uncontrollable urge to eat it.
- (pronoun) I spent all weekend learning French.
- it was drowned in a bucket of oysters.
- it had only one week to live and (pronoun) thought it would be nice to let it say goodbye to all its friends.
- my (this works for any option of Collection #1) aunt's uncle's sister's dog's chew toy's manufacturing company's chairman's wife's niece's best friend's brother's dentist's aerobics instructor's postman's supermarket's check out chick's old primary school teacher's student's mother's sister in law's assassin's weaponry supplier's toothpick's lemon's net gear's cable's mouse's uncle's mouse trap's owner's mother in law's grave's lily's stem's soil's uncle accidentally left it at Priceline ™.
- it spontaneously combusted for no apparent reason and (pronoun) has/have the ashes to prove it!
Don't be afraid to add several Collection #3 phrases to the end of an excuse because hey, if you're using this guide, you're gonna go down - why not go down laughing? Or drowning in a bucket of oysters?
Also try your hand at adding other phrases to link collection words such as "who was then arrested for indecent exposure" or "which then resulted in a telephone bill so terrifyingly huge that everyone died. ("So then how are you still here now?!" "Well…I got better!")
The Bit Where Moonstorm101 Tries To Move On To The Next Horoscope
So now you have your 3 Collections and your instructions, you can come up several convincing variants of excuses but: don't be restricted! Collection #3 could go on for several more pages! To conclude, here are a couple of things you might have come up with:
- I couldn't hand in my assignment because my house was attacked by otters which spontaneously combusted and I have the ashes to prove it!
- It ne pouvait pas soumettre elle jaune parce que was drowned in a bucket of oysters who were then arrested for indecent exposure.
- I like to dance the hula because it only had one week to live and I thought it would be nice to let it say good bye to all its friends
Cancer: Has your favourite channel on TV recently been swamped with reality TV shows? Do they constantly cut all the good shows? Do they play the same ads over and over and over again? Like, 6 times in the space of half an hour?
I know you're probably expecting help or advice or something but quite frankly, I'm more surprised that the channel wasn't like that from the start.
Leo: A big promotion lies around the corner for someone far more talented than you and the position of Jupiter suggests that it isn't a smart idea to shove a roll of toilet paper up your nose in the middle of your driving test.
Virgo: Your new DIY projects won't go according to plan this week so instead focus on improving your self esteem: remember that all Virgos are extremely clever and friendly…except for you, you stupid freak.
Libra: Try to avoid any Virgos and Leos this week, especially if they have Bird Flu.
Scorpio: Laughter is the best medicine…keep that in mind when your appendix bursts next Tuesday.
Sagittarius: The author decided that perhaps she should actually try interpreting the stars for once and so, after many hours of staring at the night clouds (and a couple of patches of the sky which were visible behind the stupid clouds), Moonstorm101 came to the astrological solution that this week will continually follow the routine of you waking up, doing some stuff and then going back to sleep.
Capricorn: There is traveling in your future…I'm still trying out this 'actually-reading-the-stars' thing so that's about as specific as it's gonna get. Oh yes, and prepare for an unexpected trip/windfall/flying inanimate object.
Aquarius: Your eyes are going to try to take over the rest of your face so avoid activities that may result in the slowing down of other parts of your head such as staring directly at the sun (eyes), taking afternoon strolls through your local sewerage system (nose), eating rocks or broccoli (teeth and taste buds) and attending Geography classes (it is a well-known fact that general brain-frost accumulates in this class).
Pisces: Ok, you guys have absolutely nothing to worry about this week except one thing and that is the horror that is writing everything you need to say in one really long sentence that takes up unnecessary space and has no or very little grammar and in which readers often get so lost that they just ignore the whole thing or at the very least try to until they realize that it goes for almost an entire page and then even you do get to the end of the sentence you haven't actually understood any of what you read and so then you try to read it again but then you realize that the sentence is just so idiotically long that it cannot possibly have very much important information and that it even goes off subject after a while and do you like ketchup which is made of tomatoes with sausages because I don't like ketchup and sausages and why the hell is it called ketchup anyway when everyone else just calls it tomato sauce and have you ever realized how insanely difficult it is to write a really long sentence that goes for almost a page because I never did until now so really the thing which you're trying not to do this week is just so friggen hard that you probably won't be able to do it anyway and why the hell did I have to start typing this up in size 12 when it means that I'll have to type even more up than if I had just started writing in size 58 in which case the entire sentence would be just two words long and then it probably wouldn't even count as a sentence and this leads me to why you don't ever eat llamas on sticks unless you want a kebab poker sticking out of the back of your neck which makes it really hard to wear a tie and so you'll get yelled at and have you ever wondered what kebab sticks have to do with horoscopes because I don't know either so you should probably consider switching to Geico so you can save lots and lots of money on car insurance which is probably more than you would save had you gone with APIA seeing as it's for pensioners and I don't know why that would make them a worse company in fact they're probably not a worse company and is this annoying you yet?
What I find amazing is that I have typed all of this up on Microsoft Word and there is not a single green line under any of it: it's all perfectly grammatically correct…according to Bill Gates, anyway.
This Week's Birthday: Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence.
A/n: Yes, I have risen from the dead. Now be quiet for a minute and listen to my excuse:
Ok, so it all started at the beginning of the meeting of the planning committee for schools when some idiot decided to make second term about 12 weeks long which meant that my shitty immune system got tired half way through and decided to go and chill in the Bahamas, leaving me to suffer with 4 different colds and the flu, all of which put me in a horrible mood and who wants to be funny when they feel like crap? That said, I didn't like this chapter much….eh ::shrugs::. I think the next chapter will be better.
On top of that, just to make me even more of an evil insert word of your choice here, I told someone who was nice enough to e-mail me that I was putting the chapter up the night of the e-mail (which I did, by the way), only to find out that several things had happened:
1. The file didn't upload properly
2. Whilst uploading incorrectly, this stupid computer managed to pick up a virus
3. I managed to get rid of the virus before it got rid of all my files -
5. -only to have my dad every single file on the computer the next day -.-;
I'd explain more about the huge gap in updates but I'm honestly too freakin' tired though I've written an entire blog entry about it so if you're really that bored, go and check out my homepage: it's my MSN space, aka, my blog. So you can go and read that if you want even more excuses, which I'm quite sure you don't. Of course, before you go there (if you're going there at all) you must VOTE! You'll see what I mean by that at the end of the chapter…after the Reviewer Responses. Yes, I know I'm annoying.
Oh yes, and in regards to the New Super-Special Textbook, our school was "privileged" enough to try out a new textbook, whose name I shall not mention from fear of being sued. Anyway, point is, this text book (which was for maths) had mistakes everywhere, had so many exercises that you could be doing question number 1. v) and was basically very, very shite-like in its existence. The answers at the back of the book were often wrong…in fact, sometimes there were answers to questions that weren't even there! Anyhow, enough of my ranting…reviewer responses are below if you want to check 'em out along with something new for all you people who are bored of the sameness of these past 8 chapters. Hint-VOTE-Hint.
Wings of Swords: As I think I've mentioned to you regarding your review, WTF?! I mean, I've seen random reviews of all descriptions but that one just takes the cake.
Arcadia Ryter: Indeed, stepping on light bulbs hurts…something that you would have learnt had you listened to your light bulb sensei from the start! Aha, I have you now! Either way, thanks for reviewing yet again!
Purple-Butterbear: Strangely enough, in person I'm more of a quiet/sarcastic person, as against cheerful and I think you see a lot of that in the first few chapters of this not-story, in which I basically kill off everybody :D Anyway, thanks very much!
FuzzyGrapes: A very, very late 'happy birthday' to you! Welcome to Teenhood: the only stage in life where you are officially entitled to random mood swings. Thanks for being one of the only people who actually told me what I wanted to know: are interludes a good thing to have or not. The next one is going to be of the 'you have two cows' variety and I'm not sure about the one after that...
Tapioooca: Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Never!
Burnt Bread: Yes, variety is gooood…and now back to the good ol' horoscopes. However, there is something new after the Reviewer Responses if anyone cares to take a look. I know I wanted to say something else about now but…oh yes: you have incredibly good (read: terrifying) imagery. Have you seen Saw or Saw II?
WyrdWolf: Thank you very much! I'm not sure about how the 2 plus 2 thing you explain it a little more? I've never actually come across that before. Once again, thanks very much!
FlamingDoritos: That's good to know
k. iris: I'M SORRY! Please read my various excuses above in regards to the e-mail thing… on a better note, thanks very much! I'm sorry you thought I was picking on the Sagis ::coughs:: but if you look at it, I basically hate everyone. Check out the first 2 chapters: everyone dies and my own horoscope (Aquarius) insults me. Several times, in fact. I'm happy to know that despite how much I pick on everyone, you still liked this and thanks v. much for adding me to favourites. Here's your update…though it's not exactly soon, I know, you can see my multiple excuses for this above.
Lady Shnerpels of Shnerpel Land: Tea? How quaint. Though 'tis quite nice to know that I shall no longer be responding to the one formerly known as "ME!". In response to your other review, I am officially no longer a lazy shite for I have now updated so…so…nyah. And I also think it's quite obvious what affect those Fruit Loops have had on you.
Well, now that I have your attention, welcome to the Super-New-Amazi-
Ah, stuff it. I honestly cannot be bother typing out that horrendously long name so let's just get into it.
The new feature is basically what you would refer to as a Poll. This Poll, however, as against dealing with all that tax-hikes-are-evil kind of thing is about what really matters…questions such as, "Does the colour affect the taste of the M&M?" and "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?".
Of course, to get started, one question needs to be asked and that question will be delivered…
In Poll-Form (dun dun dun!)
Should there be a Poll at the end of each chapter from now on?
c) Do I look like I care?
d) This idea is more annoying than a herd (yes, a herd) of rabid mosquitoes wearing microphones and whoever thought it as well as that comparison earlier in this answer should be shot
To Answer: Just type in a letter (a, b, c, d or e) in a review. Don't think you've gotta type out the whole thing (though you can if you want to) or even think of comments to say along with your answer (even though that would be much appreciated) and if you hate this not-story and don't want to submit a review simply because you hate it that much, e-mails are good, too.
What will happen: Votes before the next chapter is uploaded will be counted and an official result will be posted before the start of the new Poll…of course, that's only if people actually like the idea. So vote. Vote now. I commandeth thee to vote!