Dearest Diary,

Life sucks. I'm totally serious. Life is the longest thing you ever do, and personally, I don't like long things. God, I don't even like running long distances. I'm not really the commitment type, you know? I like to have my options. So, anyway, as I was saying, life sucks. I had the worst possible history test today. Well, Ms Boring-Brown called it a test, really it was a pop quiz. I mean, I can't be told about something two days before and be expected to do a good job, right?

After the killer quiz, I was walking to my locker, right? And some pompous asshole has the audacity to come up to me and ask me out! I mean, the nerve! I didn't even know the guy! How did I know that he wasn't a stalker? Huh? So, I did what any girl in their right mind would do. I declined politely. Then the dickwad insists. So I'm like, 'No, really I have stuff to do. You know, places to go, people to see.' And he's like, 'Come on, what's the harm in coming for ice cream with me?' 'I don't really like ice cream.' Then he leans forward and corners me to my locker. So, I hit him. Yup! A big slap across his left cheek. I left a pretty nice red spot too. I then flicked my hair at him and walked away. Unfortunately, this perfect exit was ruined because I realized that I needed to be at my locker to bet my bag and coat in order to leave. Phh! So, I did a U-turn about five minutes later and prepared for departure.

I didn't lie when I said that I had places to go and people to see. I have a job at the Y that starts pretty much right after school that I had to get to. So, I get there and teach all these little kids how to dog paddle. Then one brainiac decides that he doesn't want to stay in the shallow end because he's a 'big boy'. He goes off into the deep end and nearly drowns so that I have to leave the rest of the kids unattended in order to save his life. I know, I'm a big hero, right. So his parents are all like 'Oh my god! Thank you soooo much for saving our darling little boy! You should get a medal!' Not. This is pretty much a weekly routine for the little idiot, and every day it's the same. So, instead of a medal, I get a bunch of angry mothers screaming at me to take better care of their kiddies. Yuck. I hate my job. I then get home and write here… Man, my life is long, and boring. Not a good match.

Since this is my new diary, I should explain why that idiot cornered me. It's not like I'm unnaturally gorgeous, it's just that people always want what they can't have. At my school, the first thing that people usually lose is not their English binder, or their history report, it's their virginity. In fact, I'm probably the only female virgin left in the entire establishment. I know, what a big word! I like big words, though, they make me sound very sophisticated and I can insult people without them having a clue what I'm talking about. So, anyway, I'm the only female virgin left in the school (I don't know about the male population) and proud of it! Being such makes me untouchable, which makes me practically the most wanted girl in the school. Pathetic, really. The scenario I explained earlier is pretty much a daily thing. You get used to it after a while. Probably the only five guys left in the school who haven't hit on me are my twin brothers a year ahead of me, my little brother a year behind me, my friend Mark, and the head jock who is 'too cool to be seen within ten feet of me' even though his friends have all tried to feel me up.

Earlier this year, my parents found out that guys were following me home and made me take martial arts. Yup. I'm a kung-fou babe. Go me! Woot woot! My parent can be entirely described in one simple word. Overprotective. I'm surrounded by my five brothers, making me the 'fragile' one in the family that everyone thinks will shatter into a million pieces if touched too roughly. They make me take martial arts to protect myself and make my brothers always look out for me, you know, the works. Yup. I'm the Untouchable-ass-kicking-kung-fou-virgin babe protected by the quarterback of the football team and champion wrestler.

- Jess (a.k.a. The Untouchable-ass-kicking-kung-fou-virgin babe.)


February 8, 2006


It was a normal day. I already said that, but whatever. I woke up, had breakfast, got dressed, brushed my teeth, drove to school, had classes, had lunch, had more classes… The only eventful thing today was the everyday drama with that junior girl. I can't remember her name. Oh well, it'll come to me. So Dave decided to try his luck with her. I don't know what all the fuss is about. She's not drop dead gorgeous. Sure, she's relatively pretty, but that's it. As a result, he got a beautiful red splotch on his left cheek and a broken nose from one of her brothers.

I remember her name now, it's either Jessica or Victoria. One or the other. So, I just got off my cell with John to ask what the big deal was with Jessica, and he said that every guy in school was on a bet. I won't mention what it was about because it would be inappropriate for a school journal. But all these hot guys (and I am not gay no matter how wrong it sounded that I called a guy hot) are practically throwing themselves at her and she won't even go on a date with one of them. Apparently, though, Dave has cut off the bet on Victoria, saying that he would like to keep the rest of his face in tact. I wouldn't be caught dead wound up in the stupid bet. I have better things to do. Besides, with all the other guys after Jessica (or is it Victoria?) all of the hot girls come to yours truly because none of them have boyfriends. Bonus!