February 10, 2006

Beloved Blog,

'Tis me again. Who else would it be? Answer: Nobody! If you are not me and are reading this, I suggest that you put down the book before I set my brothers on you for invading my personal space.

Anyway, my day was normal. Another guy tried to pin me down. I kick his ass, he hates me, apparently one of my brothers gave the guy who cornered me down yesterday a broken nose… Yep, another normal day in the life of Jessica Laurence a.k.a. me. I realized that I have as of yet introduced my insane excuse of a family. First there are my parents:

Mom- Katie Laurence age 47. Bio: Nurse, long, straight blond hair, blue eyes, skinny.

Dad- Andrew Laurence age 50. Bio: Lawyer, brown hair, brown eyes, muscular.

Next are the kids:

Oldest Brother- Will Laurence age 19. Bio: Ex-school president, now studying to be a lawyer like our dear sweet father, dirty-blond hair, green eyes, total hunk (or so I hear from his girlfriend non-stop.

Twin #1- Harry Laurence age 18. Bio: Quarterback on football team, really low I.Q., total jock through and through. Denies that he knows me at school other than to beat up my followers, brown hair, brown eyes, muscular, also, apparently, a total hunk (or so I hear from his many girlfriends).

Twin #2- Josh Laurence age 18. Bio: Champion wrestler, really high I.Q., nice guy, walks me to class almost every chance he gets, really overprotective of me, drop dead gorgeous, brown hair with a blond tint in it almost like gold, deep brown eyes that always look like they understand you, by far my favorite big bro.

Me- Jessica Laurence age 17. Bio: High I.Q., on most sports teams, The Untouchable-ass-kicking-kung-fou-virgin babe. Long, wavy honey hued hair that goes down about an inch past my shoulder blades, grey-blue eyes, round face, annoyingly short with really big feet.

Younger brother- Anthony Laurence age 16. Bio: Nerd. Really nice nerd, but still a nerd. He's pretty closed up, the only one that he really talks to is Colin. He's pretty handsome, the kind of guy you label as a hot, smart guy who'll actually do something with his life, unlike the rest of us losers.

Youngest brother- Colin Laurence age 15. Bio: He's got the bad boy look going for him, but is secretly part of an after school chess club. He's actually a pretty nice guy, but can be a total jackass sometimes. Really buff considering he's only fifteen.

That's all of us. I've always felt really bad for Harry because he's the only member of the family who isn't a genius. I would be more humble and say that I myself wasn't a genius, but this is my diary, I can write what I think about myself and I've never been known to be modest. My day was really boring so, ya. I have to go, mother dearest is calling for dinner.


February 11, 2006

Respected records,

Saturdays rock! My Uncle Brian came to see us. He high fived my five brothers, and hugged me. He then picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and dumped my in a mound on the couch. This resulted in everyone gasping and running over to me to make sure I wasn't broken or anything. My parents chastised him for not being more careful. He told them to lighten up and let me live a little. That's what I love about Uncle Brian. He's the only one in my entire family who doesn't treat me like I'm made of glass.

Will went off to see his girlfriend about three hours ago, Harry and Josh went out with some 'buddies' probably to get drunk. Anthony had to work on a project at the library and Colin just kind of disappeared. My parents went out on a date, which is why Brian was there. The precious baby girl couldn't be left home alone, now could she? No, she might, god forbid, hurt herself on the can opener. She must be supervised at all times. My parents can be sooo annoying sometimes. Anyway, I had a great time with him, and he is now making me dinner. Gotta be KD! My parents would sooo not approve. They would be all like, 'Oh no! You ate that junk! That isn't good for you! You might fall ill! Oh! Brian! How could you have fed our little girl that horrible excuse for food!' Supreme annoyance.

Anyway, I taught another class at the Y this morning and the sweetest little girl was so nice to me! She said that I was the best swimmer she had ever seen and that I was 'supre-dooper pretty'. How sweet is that? I have to go, dinner is ready.



February 12, 2006


Remind me to kill myself later. Harry and Josh came home late last night, as I had expected, drunk. Unfortunately, they brought home their dear friend Jake. Jake just happens to be the head jock that I mentioned earlier. I have to say, I'm glad that it was Jake and not some other moron out to lay me. Anyway, so they're all totally trashed, right? So Jake comes up to me and says, 'Hey, hey, hey! I didn't know Victoria was yours guys little sis!' He's slurring his words, right? Then he goes on and on, and I've pretty much stopped listening until he says 'Yep! John's totally gonna win the bet' he slings arm over my shoulder 'Just you wait. Your gonna have soooo much fun! He's got loads of experience in bed.' My jaw dropped. Can you say GROSS! 'Or maybe Mark, ya, he's real close with ya. Only a matter of days 'till he tries to get in your pants.' My jaw dropped even further. I backed away from him. 'But then, I don't think he's in on the bet.' He said, frowning.

'I SHOULD HOPE NOT!' I screamed. Ha to stupid Jake! How dare he talk that way about Mark! The pure audacity of it! It's an outrage! Forget what I said about killing myself, remind me to kill Jake. What do you think would be the best murder weapon? I personally want him to have a slow and painful death. Ha! Die, Jake, die!

'Nah, I don't think he was in on it.' Jake said, walking towards me. This was creepy, so I backed away. 'Think how jealous the guys would be if I got there first? They'd piss their pants!' I looked over to my idiot brothers for protection, but they had idiotically fainted out of exhaustion and too much alcohol. Idiots, I was on my own. Yep. The Untouchable-ass-kicking-kung-fou-virgin was on her own and might lose the last part of her title if I couldn't stop it. Luckily, just then, Brian decided to make an entrance. Thank god for him. He must have seen Jake pinning me up like that and known immediately what was happening. I love my uncle. He knocked out Jake with one punch.

He surveyed the room and saw the twins lying on the floor, me collapsed on the ground cowering in a corner and Jake lying unconscious in a heap on the floor. 'Let's not tell your parents about this, hmm? They might not let me baby sit you again.' I nodded shakily and he came to pull me up into a hug. God I love my uncle! Not in a creepy sense. Ew, that's just gross. Anyway, we cleaned up the mess and got my brothers into bed. We left Jake on the couch. Uncle Brian had to put him there alone because I refused to touch him.

I'm very upset over the whole 'Mark' topic. I'll talk to him tomorrow about the bet.

Note to self: Make sure to scream at twins when they wake up with horrible hang-overs.

-Jess the Coward and main topic for sex bets.