Death of a secret (c) Celestina

Death of a Secret

He briskly walks towards the classroom, waving as he goes to people that he knew; he smiles at them and continues on. Once he enters the classroom, he lays down his bag, opens it, retrieves a book, a pen and his notebook and begins to scribble down as he reads. More people greet him as they enter the room and he smiles at them. A girl comes by the classroom door and calls him and reminds him about something important. His eyes widen as he remembers, he scrambles to finish his writing and once he is done writing, he digs into his bag and retrieves a sheet of paper. He stands and goes off with the girl, telling her that he's had so much to do that he has hardly gotten any sleep.

Such a busy-body and engulfing himself in work…tsk, tsk.

But believe or not this boy is not just a workaholic; not to me, anyway. Caleb Dylan was more than that. The story is known to only a few and I should expect it to stay few; if their numbers grow then it is certainly not my doing and I can certainly not do anything further about it.

I love Caleb, I can start with that. It seems so simple, doesn't it? The simplicity of those words as they roll off my tongue; it's hard to believe that the situation is very complicated.

You see, I love him; but only from a far. It is such a sad thing, really, but there's nothing I can do about it. I love so much about him: the way his eyes disappear when he laughs, how positive he looks at life, I admire how carefree he is, I love the way he makes me feel better just with his smile or how his smile brightens my day. I see him at home some times. One might say that I'm a stalker if they knew that—but they and Caleb would never know such things.

Perhaps, you are saying that I should just tell him—that any complications that there might be may be solved just by telling him. I can't do that. I am afraid that he would not believe me, or that I might scare him away. It would be so easy to just walk up to him, tap him on the shoulder and tell him all that have been feeling and all that I have been thinking. But we all know how life works—nothing is ever easy.

It is actually quite an irony. Caleb and I are so close to each other and yet I cannot tell him my feelings. I get envious, at times, of girls that walk with him or talk to him but I am afraid I cannot do anything; that's just the way things are. He has his own world and I have mine. Maybe you're saying that it shouldn't stop me from saying what I feel. I agree; and believe me, if I could, I would tell him everything—pour my heart out. How unfortunate it is, really, that in this case, "my world" does stop me from telling him.

You might ask why I find it so hard; if you get to know him a little better, you'd know that he is too engrossed in work to think about finding a girlfriend, and that nothing is really standing in my way of telling him all I have to say. Well, it's really not that simple to answer. Even if that is the case at the present (that he is not after anything but work at the moment) it hurts to think that there will come a time in the future that he will think of these things and I know I cannot be the one for him. He will never know that the one person he might seek in the future, the one person that already loves him so much has always been right in front of him—that the person that might make him happy has always been at his side. No matter how close I am to his face, or how near enough I am to be able to touch him, I will never know…

…Things would be a lot simpler if I were still alive, if my heart were still beating…Ever since I departed, you see, I haven't been able to do a lot of things—and the capability to tell him my feelings was one of them. Since I've died, our worlds have never been harder to connect. Every day, I am constantly with him, I often am at his house, sitting at his couch, watching his family go by with their everyday jobs and he never notices, of course. At school, I am always at his side and am so close to him—but it isn't enough, he does not feel my presence.

He would never know that the one person that loves him is right there in front of him and will always be watching out for him.

Probably, until we meet again in the "Here After", I will have to wait. I suppose it is alright; for love can go beyond time and lifetime…