All I can taste is perspiration
as it runs down my face and coats my dry lips in silent fear
you drive your fingernails deeper into my arm and
they carve out my insides
and everything that gives me substance
I feel my bones break and
the splinters are even sharper
peeling back my skin and shredding it into millions of flaky pieces
so that now I'm completely defenseless
your fingers trace the entire length of my body
leaving vivid bruises
so dark
that my existence is defined by the complete absence of light
and I'm nothing more than a void
you seem to think that I'm completely numb
because I always wear a pretty smile for you
it's almost as though you want me to feel pain
because when I cry over you
it'll convince you that I'm alive
but maybe I'm not
maybe I've lost so much that nothing can make me whole again
but you seem so determined to convince me
(or yourself)
that you could possibly save me
the only thing that I hold onto
is that one day you may stumble and break your neck
I hope that you never get back up
but stay broken on the ground as the world continues to turn without you
time will go on
without pausing to mourn for the dead little boy
lying in his grave of shriveled autumn leaves
time will never play you its song
the whistling winter trees will never whisper
of your memory
and you won't hear the echoes of my laughter
but I promise you that I won't cry
(this is the first time that I can make a promise
that is more than just empty words and false hope)
For once, I'll laugh and I'll mean it
because I'm finally free
and you little boy
you'll rot as animals feed on your flesh
and I'll finally have my revenge
your skin will flake and fall from your body
as autumn turns to winter
and you'll finally understand how I felt when I tore apart my flesh with knives for you
I guess I was just always the black stain on your heart
that you could never wash away
apologies were never enough to escape
sorry was just another word
to excuse our mistakes
to give us something to hold onto when our prayers were never answered
I guess this is what I get when I find myself on my knees
night after night
begging God for something more than I deserved
I only asked him because I had nothing else to believe in
but he let me down
and Hope left me sitting in the gutter at 2am
with nothing to hold onto but a bloody knife and a broken heart
So my reward for pain was something that I never asked for
my body
cold and motionless in a polished mahogany box
painted in makeup to disguise the raw welts around my neck

I wanted to share your pain, little boy
I was never good at keeping promises
I cried for you
as I fell to pieces
and snapped my brittle bones

and they just stand there staring down at me
someone they always thought they knew…
and they apologise with fake sympathy in their smiles
but sorry has been said so many times that it means nothing anymore
and inside, all they want to do is go home and move on with their lives
because time doesn't stop for anyone
and they're all just so tired of pretending…