10So Maybe I Love Him
-What love really is, is a matter of trying not to lose your mind when you fall in love with that punk you thought you hated.
A/N: This first chapter was inspired by the lyrics to a Sting song, called It's Probably Me. I've actually never heard the song, but it was in a Yu-Gi-Oh! Fanfiction that a friend sent to me a year or two ago. I found it when I was cleaning out my inbox and thought the lyrics fit the story pretty well.
1
Stupid Fate
I don't know why I did it. I saw him, lying there in the far reaches of an alley, by pure chance. I thought I was going to pass out from shock. I mean, the sight of THE Benji White sleeping in a gutter was enough to cause anyone a brain tumor. 'Well,' I thought, trying to harden myself to the sight, 'That would explain why all his clothes look the same.'
That's not fair!scolded my conscience, You know, there have been plenty of times where you could have been in his position!
'Oh, come now!' I argued, 'Are you forgetting who this is?! This is the guy who gives us grief every chance he gets! That annoying, self-righteous punk rocker and his little dog too!' I was, of course, referring to his girlfriend, a girl of questionable morals and the only person who can make black clash with every other color.
Yes, but still I can't believe you of all people would think such things! What about your brother?! What about Alex?!
"What does that have to do with this?!" I muttered aloud. The woman standing next to me, at the bus stop, glanced over and took a large, very not discreet step away. I glared at the black figure curled up in the snow. This was all his fault. I looked away and cranked up the volume on my ipod.
If the night turned cold and the stars looked down
And you hug yourself on the cold, cold ground.
You wake the morning in a stranger's coat,
No one would you see.
You ask yourself, who'd watch for me?
My only friend, who could it be?
It's hard to say it, I hate to say it, but it's probably me.
Okay, damn it! I get it! It figured the one day I decided to wear my new coat some shit like this would happen. Furious with the universe in general for putting me in such a predicament, I stalked over to him. Practically ripping off my coat, I draped it over him. He stirred a little in his sleep, but didn't wake up. Hah! I win! And if he had a problem with it being a girl's coat... Well, I would be long gone by then and he could just kiss my ass. Smirking, I sashayed back down the alley... Just in time to see the last bus of the night pull away. My jaw hit the ground.
No. Fucking. Way.
"I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" I howled to the dark sky. Behind me, Benji jumped in his sleep. Clapping a hand over my mouth, I practically dove into the first shop door I could rip open. I managed not to slam the door behind me. I was in a used bookstore. Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair. Now why did I panic like that? After all, it was only Benji.
Don't kid yourselfscoffed my mind, You knew what would have happened if he knew you were the one who gave him the coat.
'Well, he doesn't because I am a smooth criminal!' Buying the first book I grabbed off the shelf, I left the bookstore, convinced that I looked suitably nonchalant.
"Hey," Benji said in that cool, calm voice of his. He was leaning against the light post in front of the store. He held out my coat, "Here. You dropped this."
I almost fell over. I managed to come back, though. "What are you talking about?" I said, frowning.
"What do you think?"
Fuck. I rolled my eyes and tossed my hair over my shoulder, "God, is this one of those stupid punk head-games? Look, I'm really not in the mood."
"No games," he said, coldly, "You dropped your coat back in that alley." He wasn't giving an inch. I could see it on his face that he didn't want my pity. It wasn't pity, damn it! I didn't really know what IT was, but I knew it wasn't pity.
"That's not my coat," I said, trying to mimic his cool tone.
"You were wearing it today and now you're not." His eyes moved over me, "You aren't even wearing a coat now."
"God, are you worried about my welfare now, or what?" I sneered, "Well, just to put your mind at ease, I left my coat in my locker because I didn't need it." God damns a liar. Remember that. A cold gust of wind swept down on us, flaring my skirt and penetrating my thin shirt (yes, I'm one of those idiots who wears a skirt in the winter). Benji gave me a mocking smile that made me want to kick his ass back down that damn alley.
"Not cold?" he taunted.
I glared at him and with a lot of effort, kept my arms at my side. "Not a bit."
He wasn't wearing my coat, but he still had his hooded sweater as protection, which, at the moment, was a hell of a lot more than I had. And he was just standing there with that same mocking look on his face. My fingers were taking on a faintly bluish hue. Not wanting to show any weakness to him, I turned on my heel and began to walk down the sidewalk. I didn't turn to see if he followed me.
Spying a small café across the street, I hurried towards it. Funny thing about snow. It hides those huge blocks of ice from sight, but it doesn't make them any less slippery. I fell hard on my knees, with a surprised yelp. Man, if you thought I was cold before, you have no idea what it's like to fall on jagged ice in a skirt that barely goes down to your knees. Before I could move to get up, a pair of arms pulled me roughly to my feet. "You idiot," Benji snarled, "Watch were you're going."
"I was!" I snapped, tears in my eyes. Swearing, he pulled me along behind him into the café.
"Hey, Marcus," he called to the guy behind the counter, "Get me your first aid kit." I frowned and looked down at myself. And instantly wished I hadn't. The bruises were already blossoming on the knee I had landed on and there was one long cut running up the side of my thigh. Blood stained my skirt. My white skirt. I could feel the twitch just under my eye.
"Here..." Benji knelt in front of me, gauze in his hand.
"Damn it, just give it to me!" I snarled, ripping it out of his hand, "I can do it myself!" I was really pissed, but not entirely sure why. I just knew that if I had to look in those black rimmed dark green eyes of his one more time I was going to kill him. I almost ripped my skirt pulling it up so I could get to the top of the scratch. It gave Benji and the guy behind the counter a clear view of my panties and the scar that ran down my hip, but at the time, I didn't give a rat's ass.
I bandaged myself, ignoring the other two. Benji lounged on a chair, watching me. I glared at him, "Stop looking at my panties, or I'll fucking rip out your liver."
His eyes flicked briefly up to mine, then back down to my little unintentional peep show. "Big talk for a chick who's never thrown a punch in her life."
Since I already had my leg half way there, I just swung. It was a wide sweeping one, that knocked over the chair that I had been leaning against and knocked Benji White on his ass. God, that felt good. See, I'd never done anything like that. Actually, that's a lie. I did things like that quite a bit in my old life, but that was a long time ago. Benji was staring up at me, really looking at ME and not up my skirt or at my breasts. I don't think I had hurt him all that much. He was always coming to school with bruises and I knew that he liked to go to the punk rock bands that played at the Card Room.
I glared down at him, "Since you've only known me for two years, don't you think that's a pretty broad statement to make?" I finished up bandaging my leg, "After all, I've been alive seventeen years. Are you the same person you were five years ago?" I practically threw my coat at him, "Here. Wear it, sell it, burn it, whatever. I don't care. Just don't let me see your damn face again!"
And I stormed out into the night.
If I had known what was going through his head, I wouldn't have said those things. Maybe I would have been kinder, more compassionate. Then I wouldn't have had to tell him that I had lied. That I wanted more than anything for him to be around forever. But I didn't. I think it was fate that took me the long way home, after I stopped at the first thrift store I found to buy another jacket. And I think it was fate that I decided to take the Lexington Bridge across the river, instead of the Hector.
Stupid fate.
TBC