Together in Darkness
You know, my entire life was a lie. I always hid the real me, I was just always…I was an actor, 24/7. I just was an actor, and I was never happy. The friends I had, I loved them. But I always knew that if they ever saw the real me, they'd leave. Then one day I took a chance, and they did leave me. It all went to Hell. I spent three and a half years in darkness. For three and a half years, I didn't see the sun. And then she came. She called herself Jasmine. And she was incredible. See, after that first year of darkness, I made a decision. I wouldn't hide anymore. I would let all of me come forth. And I just figured, if people can't deal with it, or freak out, fuck 'em. But, I just…I dunno. All my life I wanted a real friend. Someone who could connect with me, understand me, who could accept me for who I was, not a lie, and love me. And then she came.
I love her so much. I mean, is was chance we came to know of each other, you know? Or maybe it was fate. I don't know, I don't really think about fate, don't really believe in it, but maybe it was. She was so dark, and her darkness called to my darkness. She was incredible. She'd do so much stuff. She'd go to the graveyard at night and sing, dressed in funeral black from head to bare feet. She'd slit her wrists. One time, to piss off her mum, she slashed her wrists open and whipped the blood all over her room. Oh, can you picture the screaming? I still laugh about it even now. She was the only person like me. We used to call each other soul mates. And I think we were, soul mates. Best friend forever is what she always said. But it's different now, cos Kevin's come into it. She's in love. She's in love with someone.
I encouraged her to date him. They broke up not long ago, and I tried to get her to go to him, cos she was happy. And now has changed so much. She hasn't got the darkness inside of her anymore; I mean we could talk for hours, like four and a half hours none stop, over and over and over. But she just distanced herself so much recently, and now she's letting it all come forth. She doesn't understand me any more, she doesn't feel she can talk to me any more. She says it's not my fault. She changed, not me. She said, the bad times are over shadowed by the good, and she just walks in light. She doesn't look at the night anymore and think of her graveyard songs, or prowling the streets. She thinks of warm summer nights stargazing with Kevin. She used to crave the night, she craved the dark, and now she wants to live in the sunlight. I mean, I always thought the darkness would leave her, but I thought it would take years, and I always thought that a ghost of it would remain.
I always thought me and her were forever. I dunno. I just don't know. Just feel so lost. She always said that it wasn't just that she loved me, it was more than that, she needed me, and I needed her as well, so badly. But now she says she has Kevin, and he has her, and that they're each others worlds, and that's all that matters. Before this there was never a doubt in my mind that me and her were eternal. Maybe I'm just doomed to misery. I was on the phone to my friend JP earlier. I told him what was said. And he said, the thing is, you don't love her, you love who she used to be.
I want to rebuild what we had. But I know we can never have what we used to have. Because we were both so wicked and cruel. We were both evil. Eh, I dunno. I feel so lost myself, but I care about her enough that I want her to be happy. I don't want to draw her back into the dark. I want her to stay in the light; I want her to live and love and I want her to feel joy. She doesn't know me anymore. I just really don't know what to do. I mean for so long I wanted someone who was like me, who could connect, blah blah blah, and then there she was and now it's just all fucked up. My savage princess of the night. She's gone. I'm alone again. My soul mate has died.
You see, you knew me best as a fierce little child with a soul of pure ice and darkness and blood. I've really changed, I don't know if u realize this. Maybe I'm just too absorbed with Kevin to care much about anything else, even pain when I feel it. That's some of what she said. I never thought she had a soul of ice. I thought it was icy, but I always saw fire at the centre. I could close my eyes and see it scorch the world. And she could look into such darkness and macarbe as I could and see beauty, just like I can. We'd see beauty in things no one else could. She's the only person I've ever loved as deeply as Michelle. But the thing is me and Michelle were a lie. We were real, me and her. My Jasmine. She's dead.
Three and a half years of darkness. I was so alone. I was always by myself. For the first two years, the loneliness ate away at me like an acid. And then I got used to it. I didn't feel lonely anymore. My soul was dead. And then she came, and she resurrected it, like a phoenix rising reborn from the ashes. I used to call her my Christ. This is killing me. Am I just being selfish? She's not a girlfriend. Never was. Never wanted her to be.
I told her once that I could fall in love with her. I seem to be obsessing don't I. Why obsess? Because she was my salvation. My eternal dream come to life. Rather dead forever than to lose her.
It was the truest friendship I've ever known. I know there will never be another. For a long time she was my everything. She was my whole world because I had nothing else. I asked her once if she thought I was a little obsessed. She said yes, but I like it sweetie.
Michelle's just rang me. Not sure what to say. I keep trying to tell her to stay the fuck away from me, but I can't get the words out. Hung up on her though. That's a plus. Jasmine doesn't understand why I can't say no. The answer is simple. Because with her, I was right where she is now with Kevin. Well, not exactly. All she sees is light, but because of my life and the people in it, the dark stayed. I didn't feel it as much, but it was still there. Am I like this to her? Would I keep the darkness there, like a crouching tiger waiting to pounce? I couldn't bare it. I always wanted her to be honest with me. But sometimes the truth hurts so bad. I can't bring myself to write any more. Bye