Best friend forever
Went out last night to Nottingham. I caught the train. I needed to get out. I was so miserable. Still am. The conductor goes back and forth. He doesn't see me. Another station, more people, and he goes back and forth. They all pay. He comes to my seat on his way back, and this time he sees me. He stops at my seat. I raise my eyes to look at him. He takes a step back, then walks off, not asking for any money. I got a free ride. I get off at Nottingham station and just walk, not having any idea where to go. My head is hung and my shoulders are hunched. I didn't realise I was doing it. A man walks by me and calls out. "Hold your head high!" I stopped and raised my eyes to him. "You see the people walking by in this city? They don't care about you. Need to keep your soul pure. Don't let people deliberately destroy it!" I slowly walked towards him.
"What if it's not deliberate? What if it's just truth?"
"Ah, that's the worst kind. Here, want a chip?" He thrusts a bag of chips at me. "Just got them. Best in the city." I take a chip out of the bag and eat it. He takes some more chips out of the bag and holds them out for me. I give a small smile, the best I can muster, and politely say no. I try and find joy in his uniqueness, like I always find joy in those who don't hide. I can't. The misery is to powerful. "See, there's lots of things to crush your soul in this world. Just don't let them. Hold your head high!" I looked at the pavement.
"She didn't mean to," I whispered. "She was just being honest. She's been so distant lately. She won't let me in, and I didn't know why. Now I do. She's changed. The one person in the world who ever understood me, the only person in all of creation I would do anything for. I've lost her."
"This girl, you love her right?"
"So you want her back. Get her back. Bring her back to you."
"No!" The intensity of my words shocked him. "She's happy now. She's not in the dark any more. She's in love, and she's bathed in light. I think most of the time it's all she can see. I love her enough to want that for her. I'll bare the darkness. Let her be happy." He popped a chip in his mouth and looked at me, chewing. He swallowed then spoke.
"You really care for this girl."
"More than anything."
"What darkness are you in?"
"Darkness is all I've ever known. Maybe one day I'll escape it. I hope so. She's escaped. I don't want her to be in the dark. I want her to stay away from it. Stay away from the bad place."
"So you're going to face it alone?"
"What other choice do I have? Even if I could pull her back to my place, I wouldn't. I'd rather lose her to light than have her in darkness."
"Very noble of you. Anyway, I have to go. Keep your soul strong. Don't let them break it." I smiled, this time more sadly I think.
"This world will never break me. They will never destroy my soul."
"Ah, that's the way. See you!" He waved at me. I gave him a small one in return. I started walking again. Is it true what I said? I've been broken so many times before. And then all those years in darkness. And then she came. My old as I can remember wish came true. Oh, how I love her. I walked through the city streets, feeling so lost inside. I past clubs and pubs, and laughing men and women, some staggering outside in drunken splendour. I walked on. I'm not sure how long I walked. I began to hear pounding music. Angry. Powerful. Made to bring forth deigned primal feelings. I followed it. I got to a pub I haven't been to a while, a gothic one called the Pit & Pendulum. I spotted a doorman and walked towards him.
"You need to pay to get inside?"
"No, it's free." I nodded and made to go in. "I'll need to see some ID thought." I reached inside my pocket and took it out, handing it to him. He looked at it for a few moments, then gave it back. "Thanks," he said.
"No problem." I walked inside. A few Goths, mostly normal dressed people. I went straight to the bar and ordered a pint. I sat down at a table, and everyone was talking and laughing. I took deep gulps and lit up a fag. Michelle broke me, and half of me was ripped away. Now the other half is. It hurt so much, it won't stop. It feels like my heart is bleeding. When my glass was nearly empty a barman came over to me. "You about done with that?"
"Here with anyone?"
"No, I'm on my own. Completely." I whispered that last bit. "Just wanna get pissed. Drown my sorrows, you know?"
"Yeah, that was me last week."
"What happened?" He shifted, I think uncomfterbly. "Sorry, I shouldn't of asked."
"Naw, it's alright. How much money you got?"
"Only about seven quid." He looked at the bar.
"Seven quid. What can you get for seven quid?"
"Doesn't matter. I can get more money from a machine."
"Well, that's not too bad."
"Actually, what's the point? Drink the pain away, it'll just hurt worse tomorrow."
"Naw," he said again. "Drink yourself stupid. Best way." I sighed.
"Maybe." I finished my pint and looked at some stairs leading down. That's where the music was coming from. "That a club downstairs?"
"Kinda. Got a DJ and stuff."
"Thanks." He took my now empty glass and went off. I got up and went down the stairs, past the statues and ornaments of the gothic and macabre. Less normals down here, more Goths. I fitted in quite well, though I didn't really care either way. I ordered another pint, then looked about. I couldn't see an empty seat, then I stopped a corner in what could have been a cell of old. I saw manicals on the walls, gothic table and chairs. Couldn't see anyone. I went down into that little cell like corner and saw two lads, hidden away behind the wall. They looked up at me. "Sorry, there aren't any free seats. Mind if I join you?"
"No mate, take a seat."
"Ta." I sat down and studied them. They returned to their conversation. I listened to them talk and laugh, and wondered how long it would take until I could join them. I guessed it would take a while. I'll go through the misery, and then I'll find happiness again, until that all goes to shit. It's just my life. Everyone leaves. I always hurt. Just one more wound on my bleeding heart. The biggest wound. Why do I love? How can I still be able after all this pain? I sipped my pint and let the tears fall.
After an hour or so I left. I headed down an alley and rested my head against the cold brick. "Please," I sobbed. "Please stop. Please please please. Please let be stop loving." Was I praying? I don't know. All I know is that I didn't want to love anyone ever again. Better to be dead inside.
I walked to the bus station and caught the last one home. I knew the hurt would always be with me. I just needed to wait until I could deal with it and live again. I hope I can, but I don't know.