4Itch
February 25, 2006 – 8:32 PM
Why is it always me?!
Is this my punishment for things I've done?
Why does it always have to be me to cause anger, sadness, disappointment, and other horrible moods. Why am I always the one catching things? I'm so sick and tired.
I want it all to stop.
I'm really sick and tired of crying and having to cover up my pink and red eyes to avoid the questions.
I don't want to do this anymore.
"What's this?"
"Nothing!" I blurted out too quickly. It was too late, though.
Noise scattered across the classroom and the students whispered, "Ooh, she's in trouble" and other childish things.
"Anna, see me after class."
More words and "ooh"s came out of the students and the teachers quickly hushed them.
"Okay, Mr. Coleman." I simply said, trying to avoid all of their eyes and their moment to laugh at me.
The teacher taught for the rest of the class period while everyone else whispered about me, still on that moment.
I hate how they always do that. I was going to turn around and tell them to quiet, but I would never dare. I'm just too shy and quiet. Well, not really. I just don't speak my mind to irrelevant people. Or people that I just don't want to voice my opinions to.
Then the bell rang and the students began the screaming and yelling. They all rushed out of the classroom, finally receiving their brief moment of freedom. I'd never do that. Never ever.
"Anna, you should know that notes are not tolerated in class."
"Mr. Coleman, that is not a note. I wasn't going to give it to anyone. It doesn't mean anything…" I'm just venting and ready to scream and cry my eyes out.
"What is it then? A love letter?" He added a bit of sarcasm, not really trying to hurt me or insult me. I wish he just stopped at asking me what it was. I wouldn't have had to explode.
"No. It is everything, but a love letter. I'm just in a bad mood. I had to write it down, unless you wanted me to disrupt the class and have yourself humiliated because I had to scream at you and blow it all off on you. You don't want that, do you?" I scratch the back of my neck, not because I was nervous, but because I was itchy. "Now, excuse me, Mr. Coleman, I have to leave before I'm late to class. Goodbye." I hope you have a better day than me and hopefully you learned that you shouldn't interrogate me and accuse me in your mind anymore.
I left the room and went to my class, eyes straight ahead of me.
Just one more class period till lunch.
"Hey, what's wrong?" My friend Nick asked.
I didn't answer him, but instead walked to our usual spot against a tree, away from the cafeteria and a little bit apart from the tables outside and the chattering students.
I threw my backpack down and leaned against the tree and closed my eyes.
"Anna…Talk to me. I'm always here for you, you know that." Oh, I do, Nick, I do. I just don't want to talk about it. I'm going off the ledge…
"I don't want to talk about it." I opened my eyes and found him in front of me, gray eyes gazing into mine.
He kept his eyes on me while he dropped his backpack next to mine and he put his arms against the tree trunk with my head right in the middle of them.
He started.
"I've heard from other people that something happened during your English class. You can't hide it from me. You had a little meeting with your teacher, what happened there?"
I blinked and turned my head, looking away. It wasn't that I was afraid of confrontation or talking to him or talking about it, I just didn't want to.
"'Jumper' by Third Eye Blind." I said softly and slowly.
"What? Nevermind. Anna, can you just tell me what's going on?"
"You're making a scene, Adam." He hated that name and I knew it. It was the name his ex-girlfriend called him and what I called him before he told me to call him Nick from then on.
He flinched and put his arms down, slowly lowering himself to the grass. "Don't even start about that, Madeline."
That wasn't my name or any nickname of mine at all. He was just trying to fight me back by calling me names of no meaning to me.
"I'm not trying to start anything…" I really didn't.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. We'll talk about something else, okay?" He paused, thinking. "Did you see that new girl, Samantha? I think she's nice and really attractive."
I slightly smiled at his happiness. He's so cheerful, I love that kid.
"Nick, I love you."
"Love you, too, best friend."
Then came silence for awhile.
Until he broke it.
"Hey, you better go get lunch, or else I'm going to give you a wedgie."
What would I do without him?
"Hey, Anna."
"Nick? Hi." I knew it was him, I always asked questions at the beginning of a phone call.
"Are you home?"
"Yes. Where are you?"
"Home as well. I was going to IM you, but you were offline, so yeah. So, this is where I am; here - calling you because I wanted to." There is his laughter in the background.
"Okay. She asked you out, didn't she?"
"Yeah. How'd you know?"
"You always tell me. And I always know." I replied simply.
"Samantha, she's real. I can tell that she's not fake because she showed me who she was. Do you know how?" He didn't wait for me to answer. "She made the first moves; she took my hand, she kissed me, and she hugged me."
"You sound like a girl, dork."
"Yeah, I know." He laughs. "Well, I'm going to go. Bye, Anna. I love you, you know that?"
My face grew sad. "I know…" I whispered, almost.
"Bye." He hung up.
I went to my bed and sat on it. Soon, I was on my back, beneath the covers with my head on my arm. I loved my bed and my pillows. I love sleep. Not really.
Shoot, I forgot to get my paper back from that teacher…I'll never get it back.
I drifted off to sleep, a dreamless sleep.
I scratched my chest, unsatisfied.
I let out a breath, watching the white air come out of me. It was cold, but I was completely comfortable with the weather. I was even wearing a white dress, my favorite.
I stared into the world; the evening sky was filled with no stars. The moon was white and was glistening beautifully. There were no clouds. The sky was just a deep purple and black color, stretching on forever.
I was done. I was ready.
I stepped onto the ledge and looked at the black world below me.
I extended my arms on both sides and left my eyes open, leaving my last empty stare. I mindlessly looked forward, prepared to dive.
Then I left. The world swallowed me into its darkness.
I would have known that I had one missed call on my cellphone that I left on my pillow on my bed. I would have known that it was from Nick. I would have known that he somewhat knew what I was going to do.
I would have known that I was going to have spaghetti for dinner, one of my favorites. I would have known that I wasn't going to like it because my father had messed it up. I would have known that my mother and father kissed that night, kissing for the first time in months. I would have known that they were happy and smiling.
I would have known if I didn't do it.
But, they would have known, if only they checked the back of my paper. They would have seen it and read what it said.
They would have known…
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
The angry boy a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on a burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
Well he's on the table and he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they're doing here
And your friends have left you
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I, I want you to know
Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today
You could put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand
Understand
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
And I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
I would understand
Author's Note: Hello, readers. I'm sincerely sorry I haven't updated any other stories. I'm kind of stuck in writer's block mode. I think it'll last awhile. I'm sorry. So, that's why I'm writing one-shots and yes, this is a one-shot. So, who thinks Anna died?! Haha. USE YOUR IMAGINATION. As you might be able to tell…I wrote this a few days ago as I am just now posting it March 1st, 2006 and sorry about that, too. SCHOOL has been really making me busy and I have no time for pleasure as much anymore. Okay, well, I'll try to work on the other stories, but yeah…
NO FLAMERS. Constructive criticism is appreciated.
I didn't edit this just to tell you…I wrote this when I was in a bad mood and so I turned it into a one-shot…I hope you guys enjoyed it.
Bye.
Disclaimer: Wow, I've never done one before, haha. The song lyrics at the end are by Third Eye Blind and the song is called "Jumper" and no, I don't own any of that. Just the writing above it.