I've been thinking a lot lately. About life, about love. Ryan IMed me last night, asking if I'd seen Mandy, how she is, how she's doing. When I told him I'd talked to her on the phone, I offered to give him the number. He said he already had it (even though it was the wrong one, with a couple of numbers switched around). He hadn't even tried calling, telling me that even though I might find it hard to beleive, he's a pretty shy guy.. basically telling me that he liked her... I almost felt like I was his trusted confidante again instead of another random almost-friend.

What I did in response was not have a jealous fit... Instead I organized a trip to the movies, inviting Mandy and some others for a night out... I casually mentioned it to Ryan, saying "me, Mandy, and some others are going to the movies" and as an "afterthought" invited him to come with.. I know he saw through it but that didn't really matter then. I had it all planned out for him.

And then, earlier today, I had an epiphany: I am completely, 100, head-in-the-clouds, ass backwards in love with this boy. It's not another one of my insanely long crushes, like Pat (who is now less of a crush than a bad habit I can't break), but real love. Not the giggly, redfaced "love" where I go writing his name everywhere, imagining myself as Mrs. Ryan Richards, but this sweet, loyal, true love where he had a piece of my heart, even if he doesn't realize it... even if he doesn't want it. The kind of love when his mere presence is enough to make me feel better, even if he's not talking to me, even if it hurts. I'd do anything for him, even set him up with one of my best friends... because that would make him happy. I love him enough to let him go.. because at least he would be happy.. even if it's not with me..

Honestly, if it had to be someone, I'm glad it's Mandy. She's good enough for him. She's too good of a person for me to hate for a reason like this.

And I know It's aways going to be someone, if it's not her. Always someone, but never me. I'll help him do whatever he wants, be with whoever he wants, even if I'm the one left standing in the background.

Because I love him.

And now I'm starting to realize that I always have, from the day that I met him... And that's why it hurt so much when we grew apart. He's still the same, but we're not. He's not the one I spend all my free time with, the one who tried to teach me how to drive, the one I confide in. Not anymore. There's a wall between us that was never there before, and I want it down. I don't want all this distance between me and the guy that I still think of as my best friend, no matter how long it's been since those words have been true.

I guess that if there is one thing to be grateful for, it's that what we had.. it's still salvagable. Our bond is stretched, but it's not broken, not yet. We don't interact as often as we used to, we can be in the same room and barely even acknowledge each other, but when we do talk, it's almost the same. The banter, the teasing, the inside jokes that no one else can even attempt to understand... it's all still there. He still gives me that look, that look like I know him, and we still have that unnatural way of nearly reading each other's mind to act together without planning ahead that comes from knowing each other so well. We still start to compete at every little thing, and then end up forgetting to keep score. We still have that little thing we do where we stare at each other 'till someone cracks up, and it's still always me.

And sometimes, it's exactly the same, and I know, no matter how far apart we are now, in the end.. he's still Ryan. That if I really needed him, he's always there, like he always has been... It's obvious, if you look at the little things, like how comfortable we are together despite all the time spent apart, how we both take it for granted that I'll back him up, and he'll do the same for me.. By the way he insisted that he teach me how to skate it, never giving up or getting impatient at my admittedly numerous complaints... how I was one of the first ones to be invited to his brother's wedding... how worried he gets about me whenever I'm sick and how helpful he is then... how he's always the first to know if there's something wrong, even if I insist there's not... how he offers me rides whenever he can 'cause he hates leaving me alone there whenever my ride is late, which is pretty much always... how when I refuse said ride, he won't leave until he sees me get picked up, just in case..

And then there's the bigger things, like how I was the only one to see him break down and cry when his uncle died..

I remember that so well.. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like we were still us, the way we were before. He had been really quiet throughout that whole day, and after school, he came up to me.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked me, almost shyly, hands stuffed in pocket.. like half expecting I would refuse... Of course, I agreed.

I went with him, leaving the school to go walk down the highway. He didn't say anything for a while, you know the way hegets sometimes.. We'd just passed the graveyard when his uncle, who had just recovered from his battle with some kind of cancer, had died in a car crash the day before. That was the thing he kept dwelling on, that he'd died in "a fucking car crash." I guess I could understand it.. he'd been spared from cancer only to be killed in a car crash not much later. We had sat down in the field by then. He mentioned something about "the irony gods having a field day with this one." He sounded so bitter.

He leaned on me then, almost like he had collapsed, and cried on my shoulder. He seemed so much younger in that moment, like we was still the little boy I met in first grade instead of the high school Junior he really was.

I think I'm the only one who has ever seen that side of him.. to everyone else, he's charming, witty, charismatic, though easy to annoy. He might come off a little violent at times, which is totally the wrong impression. He's the kind of guy that people have no inbetween opinion of. With Ryan, you either love him or you hate him, no inbetweens. But no one else seems to notice the sadness and confusion and anger he's covering up.

Maybe that's what pulled us together in the first place, how alike we are... Because I feel those same things, and like him, I hide it.. but somehow, we were always able to take off our mask with each other. We understand each other. We know each other.

We're friends. And that's all we'll ever be. And you know what? It's enough. Even though it's not what I want, it's enough. Because I know that no matter what happens, no matter how much time passes, he'll still be there for me, and me for him. Nothing will ever change that, and that's a lot more than most people ever get. He doesn't love me back the way I want him to, but that's okay. Loving someone doesn't come with the condition they love you back, and I've finally grown up enought to accept that.

As long as he's happy, that's enough.

Author's Note:

Just something I needed to get out of my system I guess.. I'm not claiming to be any kind of author, so there may be spelling and grammar mistakes... Review, please..