A/N: This one-shot contains shounen-ai (m/m relationships) If you don't like it, don't read it.


I waited for you to come home every night for three years. I would wait for hours before I went upstairs to bed. Every time a car would go by, my heart would beat faster in hopes that it was you. But I knew you were never coming home. I just can't admit to myself that your gone. I shouldn't have asked you to come home early that night. I just wanted some time for us to spend together without having to worry about work or our classes or anything. Time to relax, cuddling and watching t.v just like when we were in highschool...

Well I mean after school when we were in highschool. The actual school day was torture for both of us.

All those kids who hated us, called us names and made fun of us just because we were gay and in love. Just because we were a little different than your average highschool boy. It was so hard for me to convince you that I wasn't like those other kids and I really would love you unconditionally. Do you remember everything I had to do to get through to you, to make you believe that I wasn't teasing you and I would never leave you like Shane had? I could kill that idiot for everything he put you through. I would kill him for you except it would probably land me in jail and I would never see you again. I still want him to pay for - doing all that stuff to you. Death wouldn't be a harsh enough punishment for him. I still wonder how he ever thought he deserved you. Even I still doubt whether or not I deserve someone as perfect as you...

It was amazing, though when I was finally able gain your trust after Shane. I knew it would be difficult but I had to keep trying and I when I finally did it, it was all worth it.

Our first kiss was amazing. Do you remember it? We were in our junior year of highschool and you had just recently decided to give dating me a chance. I had a feeling you had really wanted to give it a try but an abusive relationship is hard to get through and you took a huge risk for me. I was so proud of you that day.

We were sitting under that huge oak tree in the park watching the ducks swimming across the pond and the little fish poking their heads above the surface for just a second before diving back under the water again. We had just finished our vanilla ice cream that we had to chase the ice cream truck down the street to get. These days, whenever I eat vanilla ice cream I remember that moment and my eyes get all teary, you know. I know that's kind of strange but what can I say.

You were sitting on my lap, though, with your head on my shoulder, your eyes closed peacefully as I ran my fingers through your long brown hair. It used to be so much longer, almost down to your shoulders, but it was only a week or two after you cut it short. I liked it longer, but it was growing out again and getting closer to its normal length. I felt you shiver slightly as I pushed a strand of hair behind your ear and pulled you closer to me.

"Sean?" I asked lovingly, looking down at you. I always had trouble keeping my eyes off you, I couldn't help myself. I bet you could tell, couldn't you?

"Hmm?" you replied, opening your brilliant green eyes and gazing into my icy blue ones.

"I love you. So much. You're beautiful. You know that right?" You blushed, embarrassed but that was ok. You were so adorable when you were embarrassed and I couldn't help but grin.

"I know you do and I'm so happy to be with you. I love you too Cody."

Those few simple words made my life worth living. My heart skipped a beat or two as you smiled up at me and I couldn't help myself. I leaned down and kissed you softly.

I think you were just as shocked as I was when our lips met because I heard your breath get caught in your throat, but you didn't protest. Instead you wrapped your slender arms around my neck and deepened the kiss a little. When I pulled back I was slightly breathless and I had this weird feeling in my stomach. It was this amazing feeling of completion. Like that our kiss was proof that we really were destined for each other and we would never be separated until the end of time. I never wanted that feeling to go away...

We smiled at each other, a little embarrassed at what we had just shared, but neither regretting it at all. As soon as you put your head down again, you feel asleep. I could have spent the rest of my life sitting there with you sleeping in my arms. I stayed there for another hour or so, playing with your hair before waking you up gently.

"Sean? Luv? Time to go." I said, shaking you easily out of sleep. You groaned sleepily so I pulled you onto my back and carried you all the way home. We had a small house but it worked for us. We lived there together for four years. I hope those years meant as much to you as they did to me.

When we got home that night I helped you change into some more comfortable clothes and pulled you into bed with me. It was absolutely perfect. I remember holding you against my chest and promising that I would never let anything bad happen to you. I was so lucky to have you, but neither of us seemed to think we were good enough for the other.


I liked living our house with you better than living at home, even before our they found out we were gay. Neither of our parents were too supportive of us when we came out, were they? They could have at least made sure we had somewhere to live before they kicked us out of our own home. But no, they couldn't even do that for their own sons. As far your mother knew, you were going to end up living on your own, on a park bench or in an alley way somewhere with nothing but the clothes on your back and what ever you could throw into a bag before she beat you to death.

She didn't even care when you told her about Shane. No matter how much could have hated you, it really kills me that she threw you out after you told her how he - how he would hurt you. It sickens me that that didn't bother her at all. She didn't care about you. I could never forgive her for that. Just thinking about it makes me want to wrap my arms around you and never let you go...

The house feels so empty without you here. I only use the bedroom, the kitchen, and the bathroom downstairs now. I've been too afraid to go up to our study. The walls are still covered with pictures of us. I couldn't bring myself to take them down and erase your memory or change things from how they were. I guess I'm sentimental like that.

I went up there today though. I looked at the picture of us running towards the ocean that one of those crazy beach photographers took of us. We weren't even going to go back to the studio to look at them after we found out he was secretly stalking us all day. I think I was afraid of what he actually took pictures of us doing...It couldn't have been anything too bad though, it was a public beach.

There's another picture of us making funny faces at your sister's sixth birthday party. I know you had the time of you life that day even if you won't admit it. I mean who could actually have fun at their little sister's birthday party? You and I did, that's for sure.

Then there's the one of us at the prom. Remember how we were the only same-sex couple there? How everyone gave us weird looks when we danced together? I couldn't care though. You were there with me and that was all that mattered. I wish we could dance together like that again. The whole world would disappear when you rested your head on my shoulder and we swayed back and forth to the soft music...

Next to that one was a picture of us at our highschool graduation. We had our diplomas in our hands and I was swinging you around in my arms. We were so happy that day, so carefree with broad grins on our faces. I miss that feeling.

The last picture I could bare to look at was that one that Kayla took. I don't know what I would have done without a friend like her. She was the only one I would trust myself to take you to live with after we got kicked out. We were so tired that night. I remember it like it was yesterday. Kayla went up to bed and you and I fell asleep cuddling on the couch. Kayla must have come down and taken the picture in the middle of the night or I probably would have protested. I was kind of mad at her at first. I hate having my picture taken, especially when people take it without asking, but it's adorable actually. Anyone who saw it would have easily seen the true love we shared with you leaning against my chest and my arms wrapped protectively around you. I loved the picture so much, I actually made another copy of it and we hung it in our bedroom. It's still there. I didn't take it down, but every time I sit on the bed alone, I see it and get tears in my eyes.

I miss the noise too. I miss hearing you hum "It's Raining Men" when you were cleaning or singing something else really loudly and entirely off key just for fun. And remember those silly dances you used to do when we made dinner together? They always made me smile.

I remember all those good times we had and - God I don't think I can do it anymore. Sometimes I wonder. If my heart stopped beating, nothing would hurt anymore. But is suicide just the easy way out? Letting the world win? I'm not sure. I can't find the words to tell you how much I miss you though. But I have to stay strong for you. You would want me to be happy wouldn't you? I promised myself I would try to live the best life I could alone. It's so hard though and I miss you so much Sean...

I hate thinking about it, especially since our time together was cut so short, but do you remember when I left that one day when we first started dating? How I just walked out the door on you? I could never forgive myself for leaving you like that, after promising I never would. Can you believe that I almost lost you over a stupid argument over what we having for dinner that night? Do you remember how much you missed me? That's how I feel now, except it's a million times worse because I know there's no chance of me ever seeing you again until I die. I came back though didn't I? I couldn't stand being away from you. But you can't come back like I did. The pain of not having you with me is what I remember most. I hated having to sleep alone at that stupid hotel until I got up the courage to come back home where, in my heart, I knew I belonged.

When you came down the stairs that morning and saw me making coffee, I couldn't help but start crying and apologizing over and over again as you flung yourself into my arms. I could never leave you again. You were so happy that I was back for good. Don't you remember? I'm dealing with the same thing now, but this time there won't be a happy ending.


Everything was perfect for a year or so after that, until something happened that changed our lives forever. You know what I'm talking about.

I hope you knew Sean, I never took you for granted, ever. Every moment I spent with you will be treasured in my heart until the end of time. I just wish I had known that you were going to be taken from my life so much sooner than I had expected.

The summer we graduated highschool was the hottest ever. Do you remember going to the shore? We were supposed to spend a week there together. We ran around and played in the ocean like little kids. Then, at night, we walked along the edge of the water for hours on end, holding hands and watching the waves crashing down before streaming towards us. I can still feel the corse sand between my toes, can't you?

The first half of the week was perfect, but I don't remember the second half. I was too busy crying. You started acted really strangely around the middle of the week. You weren't as energetic as you used to be and had lost your appetite. Then one night I woke up to get a glass of water and noticed that you looked really pale. I tried to wake you but you would budge. I started to freak out. You couldn't leave me now. Everything was perfect. It was just so - random, for a lack of a better word- that you would be gone now. But as I searched for something to do for you, I noticed you were still breathing, no matter how shallow it was. I jumped out of bed and called 911. There was still hope. The rest of the night was a huge blur of ambulances, doctors, nurses, and hospital beds. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to see you again...

At around 3 in the morning, a doctor came out into the waiting room and said I could come see you. My heart was beating a million miles an hours with relief. However there was bad news too, horrible news.

You had cancer.

My stomach did cartwheels as I digested that information. You had cancer? But that wasn't possible, there had to be a mistake. But there wasn't .

I walked shakily into your room and over to your bed. You looked so weak. I was so scared that day. I couldn't do anything more that sit there holding your hand and let a few tears trickle down my cheek. When the doctors told me the cancer could kill you at anytime, my heart broke. This couldn't be happening.

Thankfully you were let out of the hospital the next morning. There wasn't much more the doctors could have done for you. We didn't stay at the beach. We went right back home. If you were going to - die, I wanted us to be at home together. I still couldn't believe you were sick. You seemed to have had perfect health up until that one day.

When we got home, we decided to live life as though everything was normal. Things would be better that way. We both were working good jobs in town while taking collage classes in the morning. Everything was working out perfectly, and we were so happy.

I had off from work one day and was home alone. I was lonely though, so I called you and asked you to come home and God do I regret it now. I hadn't seen a lot of you lately what with classes and work and I just wanted to spend time with you. For some reason your boss let you go home early. I guess he understood.

However, you never came home. After about an hour and a half of calling your cell phone, your boss, and anyone else who might know where you were, I got a phone call.

From the police.

You had been in a car crash. I was lost. I didn't know what to think. My mind was reeling. First I find out you have cancer, now this? I didn't know what to do. What if you didn't make it out alive? This had to be a nightmare. One of those horrible nightmares where you wake up in a cold sweat and you're shaking, maybe even crying, but everything's ok. It wasn't though. This was reality.

I rushed to the hospital. I was in such a daze I still don't know how I got there without killing someone. When I got there it was like a flashback to what happened down the shore.

Once again, after waiting for what felt like years, I was let in to see you. I winced at the sight. You were covered in bruises and bandages, your face constricted with pain. A doctor followed me in. "I don't think he'll make it past tonight. The cancer really hurt his chances of survival." he said. My heart broke into a million pieces at his words and I rushed to your side. You were just barely conscious and I took you hand in mine.

"What happened to you" I said, tears in my eyes.

"Some drunk guy hit me. Your car's completely ruined, I'm sorry." you whispered. I had forgotten you took my car to work this morning, having taken yours to the hospital since it was already in the driveway, but the car was the least of my worries.

"It doesn't matter."

"I don't' think I'm gonna make it, Cody" you whispered. I cringed at the pain in your voice.

"You have to try." I pleaded with you, my voice horse from holding back tears. I gave in though and let a few tears trickle down my cheek.

"Don't cry. Please don't."

"But you're leaving me." I tried to protest.

"Just don't forget me..." your voice trailed off.

"I couldn't. You'll be all I ever think about..."

"I love you Cody"

"No Sean! Don't go..." I heard the heart monitor start to slow down. It was no use. "I love you too Sean" I whispered.

Then I heard a long beep signaling your heart had stopped and your eyes fluttered shut. You were gone. My world came crashing down around me. Everything was blurred as I cried my heart out while still holding your hand. Doctors came into the room and they dragged me away from you. There was nothing I could do. You were gone. It's my fault your gone. I know you would say it was just fate but I don't think so. If I hadn't asked you to come home early, that idiot would have never hit you and you would still be alive. So would I for that matter. Sure I was still alive physically, but inside, I was nothing. There's nothing anyone can do to get that thought out of my mind though. That I killed you. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.


Your funeral was held a week later. It was kind of uncomfortable because your whole family hates you- and me for that matter. It almost surprised me that they had a funeral at all. I would have held one myself if they hadn't. I couldn't not have gone though.

When everyone was gone and I stayed sitting next to your tombstone. There probably wouldn't even be one if I hadn't ordered one. I picked out the spot for you to be buried, right under the big oak tree in the corner. I hope you like it. Our favorite thing to do was sit under that big oak tree in the park so I thought it would be a good spot. Well now I guess we still can, but I'm sure gonna miss having you fall asleep in my arms in the middle of the afternoon with my back against the tree...

Sean Mathews

November 19, 1983 - July 17, 2003

"If I could reach up and hold a star for

every time you've made me smile, the

entire evening sky would be in the palm

of my hand."

I love you with all my heartCody

It was dark out when I finally got home that night. I was scared and lost at the same time. My mind still hadn't registered the fact that I would never see you again. I cried the whole night in our bed. It was so lonely without you. I'll never be used to it after everything we enjoyed together.

You've been gone for three years now. I'm almost done with college. I have a degree in medicine and I'm really happy about it. It's kind of ironic don't you think? So many bad things have happened to me in hospitals, but I'm planning on getting a job as a doctor. Maybe some day I'll be able to help someone who was in your position when you left me. Then they would get better and the people who love them won't have to go through what I am.

I adopted a little girl last year too. Her name is Haylie. Her eyes look just like yours. Whenever I see them I remember getting lost in your eyes on so many occasions. I know you always wanted to be a parent. You would have been a fantastic father, I know it. Haylie's still young, only a few months old but I tell her stories about you every night. She may not be able to actually meet you, but maybe I can make her feel like she did. Her first words were "Sean" and "Daddy". I can't wait until you get to meet her. Then all three of us will be together like it really should be. It's nice to think about.

This may sound crazy but I leave the porch lights on for you every night, because maybe you'll come back to me. Maybe you'll come home and slide into bed with me and I would get to wrap my arms around you again. Maybe I'll get to fix the mistake I made. But since I can't, I guess I'll just have to say goodbye...

A/N: Yeah I was in a weird mood this week and this is the result. It didn't come out as well as I wanted it to but oh well. When my grandpa died last year, my grandma told me he wanted to be buried under the big oak tree in the corner of the cemetery, which he was, so that's the inspiration behind Sean's burial place. Oh and the Sean in this story is a different person than the one from my other story Secrets and Lies. I've had a weird obsession with that name since I was like nine. I have weird obsessions with most of the names I use. o.0 Oh and thanks to Anonymne for the title and review. I did a little editing according to your suggestions so thank you. Constructive criticism is appreciated. Until next time.