THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN WEENIE: MAY THE FUNK BE WITH YOU!
"Young man, watch yourself, please," a woman complained as she was pushed back by a large afro.
The man simply looked her up and down and snorted, walking by her.
"Ruffian hoodlum," she muttered, inspecting the diamond bracelet on her wrist, "This is just charming. I must have it!" she gushed.
"Sure, I'll just ring you up," the clerk said, going over to the cash register, "Oh no!" he shouted, "The jewels, they're all gone!"
It was true, the whole glass case had been wiped out, empty. All the diamonds, emeralds, sapphires, rubies and other ridiculously expensive stones were gone.
The woman gasped and looked down at her wrist, her diamond bracelet was gone too—disappeared right off her hand.
"Thief, there's a thief here!" the woman screamed wildly, running around.
"Hush your mouth, woman!" the man with the enormously large afro shouted, "Calm yourself before you get pimp-smacked." He shook his head, "Why don't you use the payphone outside and call the man," he suggested.
The woman nodded and walked out of the store, the Afro man following her. Suddenly the alarm went off. The clerk ran to them.
"I'm sorry, ma'am," he said, "But you'll have to stay here while we search you."
"Search me?!" she exclaimed, "This is utterly insane!"
As the woman argued with the clerks and security guards trying to search her, the man with the Afro left, chuckling to himself, "Suckas."
Across the street, in a badly lit alley...
"Help! Help!" an old woman screamed as two men grabbed her purse.
"Stop where you are, you pusillanimous purse snatchers!" a voice shouted.
"No, not you!" one of the robbers shouted.
Yes, standing there, ready to stop crime in its tracks was Captain Weenie. Defender of justice, fighter for freedom and the last remaining Vanilla Ice fan in the world.
"Looks like it's your unlucky day, slime bags," CW's faithful sidekick, Herb said.
"We'll see about that, you crazy condiment kook!" the other robber shouted, running towards the two superheroes.
CW and Herb stepped back and pulled out two Weenerangs. They threw them at the robbers. Herb's hit the first robber and he dropped to the ground unconscious. The second robber managed to dodge CW's Weenerang and it flew right in the face of the old woman, knocking her to the ground.
"Ouch!" CW said wincing at the sound of the "thwack!" that the Weenerang made, hitting the old woman, "That's gonna leave a mark on her wrinkled, prune-like face."
"Captain, look out!" Herb shouted as the second robber threw a trash can at Roquefort's #1 son.
CW blocked the trashcan heading his way with a punch. The can flew over the head of the robber and landed hard on the back of the old woman. She let out a grunt of pain before passing out again. CW pulled out his mustard gun and sprayed the robber until he couldn't take no more.
"Okay, stop, I give up, I give up!" the robber shouted, pleadingly.
"They always do in the end," CW said, satisfied.
"What are you talking about, most of the bad guys never give up," Herb reminded him.
"Oh yeah, right."
Captain Weenie handcuffed the three while Herb called the police.
"Alright you scum buckets!" CW said, holding up the handcuffed old woman by the collar, "Just who do you think you are?! Robbing a helpless pathetic old woman!"
The old woman mumbled something incomprehensible.
"Don't talk back to me!" CW said, slamming the old woman against the brick wall, "You should be apologizing to that poor old bag who you terrorized and traumatized!"
"CW, what are you doing?!" Herb shouted.
"Showing this scum who's boss."
"You idiot! That's not the robber, that's the victim!"
"Huh? But she's handcuffed and everything."
"There was only two of them, moron. Let her go!"
CW laughed nervously, "Oops, my bad," he said, taking the handcuffs off the woman, "Sorry about that," he said to her even though she was unconscious and badly beaten.
Just then the cops arrived.
"Good job, Captain," one of the officers said.
"Thank you," CW said nervously, "I'm just glad we could help keep the dimly lit streets of Roquefort safe. Uh...just look what these greedy geezer-bashing bandits did to this old lady," he said pointing to the woman on the floor, "Well gotta go," he said, quickly leaving, "Let's be off, Herb."
They flew off into the sky until Herb noticed some commotion going on at the Edam Jewelry Store.
"What's going on down there?" Herb asked, pointing to the mass of squad cars.
CW looked down, "More crime?! Oh great! Evil never takes a vacation does it? Not even when tempted with the sunny beaches of the Florida Keys."
Herb gave him a weird look as they descended to the street.
Edam Jewelry Store...
"What the dilly-o, commish?" CW asked as he and Herb walked into the police crime scene.
"Ah, Captain, I'm glad you and Herb are here," Commissioner McAllery said, approaching the two, "There's been another robbery."
"Again? This is the seventh one this week, and it's only Tuesday," Herb said.
"I know, we're baffled," the commish said, "This master criminal leaves without a trace, he's practically unseen to the naked eye. If I weren't a rational human being, I'd say he was invisible."
"Invisible!" CW said laughing, "You're such an idiot, commissioner!"
"Captain," the commish said sadly, "That hurt."
"No it didn't, shut up," CW said, still laughing, "Anyway, mind if we take a look around?"
"Why not, maybe you boys can find something we overlooked."
"I doubt that," a voice said behind them.
The boys turned around to face Detective Bronson, a ranking officer on the Roquefort PD who really hated Captain Weenie, even more than Herb.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Lieutenant Bronson," CW said, smugly.
"That's Detective Bronson, now, Weenie," Bronson snapped, "Don't make me beat that into your memory."
CW squealed like a little girlie pig and hid behind Herb.
"Let them do what they need, Detective," the commish said.
CW and Herb searched the jewelry store, finding nothing.
CW sighed, "I can't find any clues," he said, leaning against a fragile glass case, "Looks like this crafty culprit's too quick for even Captain Weee-" he was cut off as the glass case he was leaning on broke, causing him to fall to the floor. The Ween looked at all the police officers staring at him on the floor.
"Uh..um...Herb!" he shouted, "Watch what you're doing! How dare you break the glass case and then push me unto the floor for no plausible reason!" he picked himself off from the floor. He dusted himself off, ignoring Herb's glare, "Well commish, it looks like this criminal's left no clues."
"Maybe the surveillance cameras will help," Herb said, turning his attention back to the commish, "Could we have them and those from the other robberies?"
As Herb followed the commissioner, the Ween walked up to Detective Bronson.
"So, Bronnie," CW taunted, "I don't suppose you know anything about these robberies."
"Where were you after this jewelry store and the other stores were robbed?"
"I was at the crime scene, you doofus!"
"Exactly!" CW shouted, "Proving my point that criminals always return to the scene of the crime!"
"I was here because I'm a police officer!"
"An officer on the take!" the Captain accused, "'Fess up, Bronnie, you've been accepting bribes from criminals all along, haven't you?! Why Detective, why?! Is it to support your alcohol habit? What wouldn't you do for a little hooch and some three dollar hookers?!"
"You miserable little punk!" Bronson said, grabbing the Ween by his buns, "How dare you say that to me?!"
It took four officers to pry the detective from our whimpering hero.
"You scummy superhero!" Bronson shouted, "You better be wearing a clean pair of underwear because you're about to die!"
"Tough talk, tubby," CW shouted back, "And for your information, I'm not wearing a clean pair of underwear. At least, not anymore!"
CW ran out of the store before the detective could catch him.
"Come Herb, gotta go save people, stop crime and all that," he said, flying away with Herb rushing behind.
The backroom of the Cool Cat Club...
The man with the large afro walked into the room, "Ladies, I'm home!"
The two women in cat costumes ran to him, excited, "Did you get it, did you get it?!" they asked excitedly.
"Of course I did, foxy mamas," he said.
He opened up a flap in his giant afro and bent over as the jewels came spilling out of his afro.
"Oooh, Freddie," they cooed, "They're beautiful!"
"Naturall-ay, my bodacious beauties," he said, sitting down at his chair, "But no more jewels for me. That's petty chump change. I'm going after the big time now. And no one can get in my way. Cuz they'll never know, it's in the 'fro!"
He laughed as the two ladies laughed with him.
"But Freddie," one of them said, "What about the police? And those two superheroes, Captain Weenie and his sidekick, Herb?"
"Hush-up now, girl!" he said, "Don't you know? Not even Captain Weenie can stop...Freddie the Fro!"
The Hot Dog Headquarters...
Back at the center of superhero activity, the two heroes were diligently working on their newest case...well at least Herb was.
CW walked out of the Weenie Changing Room.
"Where were you?" Herb asked.
"Uh...just changing into a new suit," CW said, uncomfortably, "The one I was wearing got...uh-so what are you doing?"
Herb looked at him oddly before turning back to the Weeniputer, "I'm checking the surveillance videos from all the robberies. Maybe there's some clue in there that can help us find the criminal."
"Good idea," CW said, walking up behind him, "What do you have so far?"
"Nothing," Herb said, shaking his head, "I can't find anything odd or out of the ordinary in any of the tapes that could provide us with some clue."
"Well maybe if that dork with the giant afro would move, we could see something," Captain Weenie said, moving his head to better view the tapes.
"Afro?" Herb mused. He looked at all the other tapes from the surveillance of the robberies. They all had the same guy with the giant afro.
"That's it!" Herb shouted.
"That guy with the afro."
"I know what you mean," CW said, "Who does his hair? Vidal Sassoon?"
"You idiot," Herb snapped, "Vidal Sassoon is a world famous hair stylist!" Herb shook his head, "But that's not the point. That guy with the afro is in every surveillance video at the time of the crime."
"He must be the criminal!" CW concluded with a snap of his fingers.
"We can't just jump to that conclusion, CW," Herb said, rolling his eyes.
"Of course, we can," CW said, "We're superheroes."
Herb was about to say something when the Weenie Police Scanner picked up a call.
"Robbery in progress at Gouda's Music Store-"
"Quick Herb!" CW said running, "To the Weenie Wagon!"
Gouda's Music Store...
Freddie the Fro took the last of what he needed and headed out of the door.
"Come on ladies," he said to the two women, "Let's make like 747s and jet!"
"Alright," one of them said, holding a sinister can of hair spray, "I want everyone to name every Shaft movie in order of release date with their eyes closed."
The three culprits backed up as the customers in the music store started calling out the names of the movies, stopping when they broke out into an argument over whether Shaft in Africa was the third or fourth movie. Freddie and his ladies ran out.
"Those chumps," Freddie said, going out the back door, "It gets easier every time."
"Hold it right there, you big-haired bandit!"
Freddie turned around, "Captain Weenie!"
"That's right!" CW said, "And I'm about to send your rapacious retro rear end back to the 70s!"
"We'll see about that, jive turkey!" Freddie shouted, "I'd like you two punks to meet my Cool Cats. Ladies!"
The Cool Cats advanced towards CW and Herb, "Kitty, Pussy, get them!" The Cool Cats pulled out their hair spray cans and attacked the heroes. The smell of the noxious hair spray threw CW and Herb off guard.
"Dude, I don't think that's environmentally safe," CW said coughing.
Herb pulled out a Weenerang and knocked the spray cans out of their hands.
"Ha," CW said, smugly, "Take that, you lecherous and larcenous ladies!"
"You think that's their only trick?!" Freddie said. He pulled out a boombox from his afro and inserted a tape, "Ladies, drop some science on these crackers!"
"We may be crackers," CW said, "But you're the one who's cracked!"
"Good comeback, stupid," Herb said shaking his head.
Freddie pressed play and the infectious sound of the disco classic "Kung Fu Fighting" blasted through. The Cool Cats took their fighting stances.
"You think a little martial arts scares us?" CW asked, "Please! I watched Power Rangers too! We can take you on," he turned to Herb, "Go ahead Herb."
Herb glared as CW pushed him towards the catty kung fu fighting femme fatales. Before Herb could even try to attack, they kicked him down, punching him three times before he even hit the ground.
"Oh no," CW said, looking away from his partner's beating, "They're chopping him up and chopping him down. Oh the humanity!"
As Herb lay on the floor, Kitty was about to step on his face when he grabbed her leg and tripped her up. She fell back into Pussy who also fell over. Herb got up and faced Freddie.
"Got anymore tricks up your polyester sleeve?" Herb asked as Captain Weenie walked up next to him.
"Give yourself up, you and your abominably acrimonious afro!" CW demanded.
"Never!" Freddie shouted, "Freddie the Fro never gives up!"
"Told you so," Herb said to CW.
Freddie turned over the tape and pressed play again. This time the boombox emitted the worst, crappiest music from the psychedelic dregs of the disco era.
"Ugh!" Herb exclaimed, falling to the floor, "That music!"
"It's so bad!" CW shouted, leaning against a wall for support, "Can't move!"
"Ha, take that squares!" Freddie said, striking a disco pose, "Let's make our getaway ladies, I'm outtie!" And with that Freddie and the Cool Cats left with their stash still in hand-er-in 'fro.
Back at the Hot Dog Headquarters...
"Okay, thanks commish," CW said before hanging up the phone.
"What'd he say?" Herb asked.
"It seems that Freddie the Fro stole just about every CD, tape and record in the music store," CW explained, "Everything but the disco music."
"Hmm, I wonder why?" Herb said.
"I don't know, but I means to find out," CW said, sitting down in front of the Weeniputer, "We have to find out where the Fro is keeping his stash."
"Right," Herb said, thinking, "I wonder where he gets his clothes from?"
"Crap like that you can't find anymore, unless you look in my dad's closet," CW said.
"Right!" CW said, getting up, "Quick Herb, to my dad's closet! After all this time I've known my pop, I can't believe he's Freddie the Fro!"
"Sit down dummy," Herb said, pushing him back down, "That's not it! Freddie must get his clothes from somewhere. And there's only one store in all of Roquefort that would still sell clothes like that."
Ray's Vintage Clothes...
Mike Lawrence checked his watch again. He'd distinctly remembered telling Paul to meet him here by 1. It was already 1:30 and that idiot still wasn't there. He sighed, he knew he should have gone at this alone. They could have gone yesterday if that moron didn't have to go to bed so early. Just when he was about to go into the store alone, he saw someone walking towards him in a giant floppy woman's hat and shiny gold chains. He shook his head, there's only one person that stupid...
"Paul, what took you so long?" Mike asked as Paul Farley approached him.
"I had to get into character," he said, fixing his hat, "Like my costume?"
"What are you supposed to be, a gay circus performer?" Mike asked.
"No, a low life pimp. I'm trying to blend in with the scum and trash that localize this area," he said as a man walked by, "Like this loser," he said, pointing to the man.
"What's that red stuff on your chest?" Mike asked.
"Oh this," he said looking down at his open Hawaiian shirt, "I shaved my sister's Tickle Me Elmo to give myself chest hair. You like?"
"Sometimes I wonder what village you're depriving of an idiot," Mike said, walking into the store, "Let's just do this."
"Alright," Paul said, walking in, "But you better let me do the talking. I'm trained in the methods of the standard 'shakedown'."
Paul kicked in the door of the shop, "I'm looking for Ray!" he shouted. The door swung back and hit him in the face, "Ow!"
Mike shook his head and opened the door again. Paul walked in, rubbing his nose, "I think it's broken, Mike."
"I wish it were," Mike said with disgust for his incompetent partner.
Paul grabbed the man over the counter, "You Ray?" he asked.
"Yeah," the man said, "Get your hands off me."
"Listen up, test tube baby," Paul said, "I'm the new hot cheese in this 'hood and I've been hearing squawk about some punk named Freddie the Fro. This snapper head's crouching in on my turf and I want him out. Out, you hear!"
"Yeah, I hear ya," the man said, "What do you want me to do about it?"
"I know the Fro comes to this joint for his threads, now I want you to tell me where his hideout is."
"How should I know?"
"Stop scuffing my shoes, Strawberry Shortcake!" Paul shouted, "Now give up the word or your hand's going in the shredder. Comprende vous?"
"What?! What are you talking about?" Ray said, confused.
"What are you talking about?" Mike asked.
"I'm talking about how this rat faced toilet bowl licker is trying to give me the business," Paul yelled, "Now tell me where the Fro is or else I'll give you the broomstick. Right over the trash can, I will!"
"What?!" Ray and Mike asked at the same time.
"Listen, I don't know where the Fro is exactly," Ray said nervously, "But he does come in here a lot. I seen him heading over to the east side, near the old abandoned club."
"You mean the Cool Cat Club?" Mike asked.
Ray nodded quickly, "Yeah."
"Alright, Paul, that's enough," Mike said, pulling Paul's arm off the store owner, "We're done here!"
Paul nodded and let go of Ray, "You better check your bushes for roaches, bright eyes," he said as Mike dragged him out of the store, "You just may have the golden ticket in your candy bar. Entiende?"
Ray shook his head, not really understanding what had just happened.
Freddie the Fro's hideout...
Paul and Mike snuck up to the window of the Cool Cat Club.
"That's them," Mike hissed, "Look at all those CDs and tapes he's stashed. How does he manage to steal them all and why?"
"Maybe he likes music," Paul suggested.
"He does," Mike said, "But only disco music! Of course, why didn't I think of it before? He's stealing all the music of Roquefort except for disco!"
"That way, the citizens of Roquefort will have no choice but to buy crappy disco music!" Paul said, "That's sick!"
"Yeah I know, we have to stop him," Mike agreed, "I think you know what to do, Paul."
"Captain Weenie!" he said, "And take that off!" he shouted, ripping the red fur off his chest.
"Ahhh! Dude, that was superglued on!" Paul wailed, rubbing his chest.
Paul stood up to recite the magic words that transformed him into Captain Weenie:
"No more injustice
No more crime
Look out world
It's weenie time!"
Captain Weenie and Herb flew into the club, crashing through the window.
"Ha, ha! We meet again Freddie!" CW said, surprising Freddie the Fro and the Cool Cats.
"Yes and now we're about to put an end to your musically motivated malevolence!" CW said, bringing out a mustard gun.
"You jive turkeys!" Freddie shouted, "Cool Cats, get them!"
The Cool Cats turned on "Kung Fu Fighting" and attacked CW and Herb.
"Not again!" Herb shouted, "We have to do something!"
"Run?" CW suggested hopefully.
"No, something less cowardly," Herb said.
Pussy cornered CW, "Pussy punch!" she shouted, hitting him in the stomach. CW doubled over to the ground.
Kitty lunged at Herb, "Kitty kick!" she gave him a sharp roundhouse kick and sent him sprawling to the ground.
Herb groaned, if only they didn't have that stupid music...Of course!
"CW, the boombox!" Herb shouted, throwing a Weenerang at it.
CW followed with a ketchup grenade and the boombox short-circuited the sounds of the disco hit crackling and breaking up.
The girls stopped and looked around confused, "Our music!" Kitty exclaimed.
"Oh no!" Pussy wailed.
"Oh yes!" CW said as he and Herb got up, "Now give yourselves up!"
"Never, geekboy!" Pussy shouted.
"Fine, then you can lead a life of crime...and maybe go out with me on Friday?" CW offered.
Kitty and Pussy looked at each other, going over their options, they nodded and then held up their hands to be handcuffed.
CW frowned, "How come that works every time?" he asked as Herb handcuffed the Cool Cats.
"You've gotten my ladies, but not me!" Freddie said, "Take this!" He threw out afro combs with sharpened teeth.
The combs flew at Captain Weenie and Herb but the two managed to dodge them.
"Now this!" Freddie said, jumping unto the stage of the club. He pressed a button and two enormous speakers appeared, with another press of the button, the speakers started blasting that same horrible disco music.
"Oh God!" CW screamed, "It's unbearable!"
"CW!" Herb shouted, covering his ears, "Where are the ear plugs?!"
"Oh. My bad. Left them at Ray's," he said, sheepishly, "Sorry."
"You idiot! We're going to die!"
"I know!" Freddie said, laughing while dancing disco style, "Ain't it great?!"
CW fell to the floor in pain. There was nothing worse than bad disco music...wait! There was something worse. He slowly rose.
"You've forgotten something, Fro!" the Ween shouted, "There's only one thing more powerful than bad disco music!"
"Oh yeah, and what's that?" the Fro asked, striking a pose.
"A dorky white boy rapping!" the Ween pulled out his Relish Radar, "Herb, hook me up with a beat, homeslice!"
"A beat, give me a beat!"
Herb rolled his eyes but obliged, he covered his mouth and came up with a simple old school rap beat.
CW used his Relish Radar as a microphone, "Word up, yo! I'm about to take you back to the old school! Let's kick it!"
Freddie looked terrified but raised his disco music louder.
"I said a hip, hop,
A hippie to the hip hip hop
And you don't stop.
Now I am Snoop Weenie Ween
And I've got something to say.
You're a big haired punk
You're doing bad
And you're going down today!"
It was hard for Herb to keep a beat going, it was too much. The combination of the disco music plus the Ween's horrific rapping was driving him insane. He couldn't take much more. Hopefully someone would give out soon.
"Now wave your hands in the air!
And wave 'em like you just don't care!
And if you're down with Snoop Weenie Ween
Somebody say, 'Oh yeah!'
"Oh no!" Freddie said horrified, "I can't take much more! No, I have to be-" Freddie's last resistance broke down at the sight of Captain Weenie doing the Running Man and the Cabbage Patch. It was enough to make any grown man cry.
"Please stop!" Freddie pleaded, turning off the disco, "Just stop! I can't listen to any more of this!"
"But I was just about to break it down and bust some rhymes," CW said as he stopped dancing.
"No, please, I give up!" Freddie said, "You've won! It was just so bad, so bad!" He broke down into tears unto the floor. The flap of his afro opened up and the remainder of the CDs, jewels and money spilled out.
"So that's how he stole it!" Herb said astonished, "He hid it in his giant afro!"
"They'll never know it's in the 'fro! They'll never know...never know," Freddie chanted to himself. The deranged disco demon curled himself into a ball, having gone insane from CW's freestylin'. A terrible way to go out.
"That was pretty good thinking," Herb said as Freddie the Fro was being carted away to the Newberry Nuthouse, "Out crapping the Fro with your rapping."
"Yeah, it was, wasn't it?" Captain Weenie said, proud of himself, "Maybe I'll make a career out of it. You can be part of my posse."
Herb laughed, "If you ever rap again, I will gut you like a fish," he said, patting the Ween on the back.