THE NEW AND IMPROVED HANSEL AND GRETEL (such stupid names)
Once upon a time, a long time ago, before there was such a thing as instant messenger, there were two kids who lived in a mansion. Their dad was a Famous Rich Guy and their mother was a Famous Rich Girl. For purposes of not being sued, we shall substitute their names and call the Rich Guy RM and the Rich Girl RG. (RM lost his head when he got drunk and Hansel and Gretel were the result. - He did marry RG, but that is a different story.- RG of the Famous Girl Band then gave them horrible names in revenge.)
These kids were spoiled rotten and they always had their own way. They would take the gardener's Chihuahua and use a branding iron on it as if it were a cow. As a result there were a lot of branded dogs around the estate and other kids weren't allowed to play with them. RG tried to instill some discipline into these two kids, but they just went and told Daddy RM, who then used his power and money to force RG to let them do what they wanted. RG wasn't happy about this, so she packed up one day and took the children to her mansion out on the golf course.
Well, two days after settling in, the kids decided to give Mamma RG the scare of her Famous Life. They decided to run away and see the adventures they could have at Southcoast Plaza. That afternoon they took a bus to Irvine and hung out around a Pizza Hut, where they threw scraps of pizza on the ground, trying to make people fall down. When this didn't work, because birds kept eating the pizza and then exploding over the pavement because they ate too much bread, Hansel and Gretel went and bought a bag of marbles, which they then emptied all over the sidewalk. Everyone who went by in a hurry slipped on the marbles and fell on the concrete or into the street where they were run over by stretch limos.
When Hansel and Gretel could finally stop laughing, they noticed a police officer strolling over to them, and talking into his radio. "Oh no! The cops are on to us!" shouted Hansel. "Split!" And they ran out of the Pizza Hut and caught the subway to Ol Vera Street.
Once at Ol Vera Street, Hansel and Gretel toured the stalls of goods and sampled various Mexican foods. After a while, they came to a stall that had a pyramid made out of chips and salsa. The owner of the stall was nowhere in sight, and they were hungry, so these two miscreants destroyed the chips and salsa pyramid and ate it. Just as they were licking the last of the salsa from their lips, the stall owner returned from her lunch break.
"Usted melón dirigió a idiotas!" she shrieked, "All my work! You ate my work you plátanos estúpidos!" She then proceeded to beat them around the heads with her purse, which was the size of a normal person's suitcase.
Just then a police marched over and said, "Well what seems to be the trouble here?"
Whack "Ow! We weren't doing anything. This fat Hispanic broad just came over and started whaling on us." Whack "Ow! We'll tell our Daddy on you!" Whack "Ow ow ow!"
"Fat Hispanic broad!" Whack "I'll teach you to talk like that!" Whack "I'll fix your attitude problem!" Whack "Officer, these good for nothing brats were destroying my food stand, and they haven't paid for what they have eaten." Whack whack whack.
The officer stood there with his hands in his pockets for a while, watching the lady pound the two brats to a pulp. Then he said slowly, "Hey kids, what's your number?" They snottily gave it, and he called RG's golf house. She picked it up on the fourth ring and said "Make it fast, I'm having a massage" The police officer told her that both of her children had eaten a stall's arrangement and that the owner was right now beating them over the head with her suitcase-purse, and what did RG want him to do about it?
RG thought it over for half a second and said, "Let the stall holder decide their punishment, because they had to learn the consequences for their actions."
The officer relayed this to the lady, and she stopped her beating long enough to say "Good! They can keep the propane gas tanks filled up, but I'm going to take them to a small claims court for damages."
"Ok," said the police officer "It's not my problem" Then he turned around and walked away, pulling out a cigarette.
The stall owner surveyed her new workers. "Well the first thing you can do is rebuild the display you just destroyed. Then you can come with me and get a hotdog from the fire pit. Then the real work will begin."
Hansel and Gretel groaned, rolled their eyes at each other, and then after much protest, they slowly began to rebuild the tortilla chip and salsa display. "Hop to it!" boomed the stall owner. "I don't have all day!"
Hansel stuck his tongue out at her back.
"Don't you be showing me any disrespect señor cabeza del mono. You're a dirty rotten mofeto, no doubt about it, but I can be meaner than you, so watch it." She stomped over to her fold up chair and sat down. "By the way, my name is Señora Gonzales, and you will address me by it. Not fat Hispanic broad or Godzilla. Señora Gonzales, nothing else.
"Now that you two are finished with rebuilding my display, we shall go over to the fire pit and have a hot dog, and both of you are to behave yourselves, otherwise I shall have several words to say, and you do not want to hear them."
As Señora Gonzales walked off to the fire pit, Gretel whispered to Hansel, "Let's get her at our first chance." Hansel nodded.
"What are you two waiting for? Christ's return? Get those shanks moving!" Hansel and Gretel sullenly started moving.
When they caught up to Señora Gonzales, she was toasting her hotdog over the fire pit. Hansel and Gretel looked at each other, nodded, and moved to push Señora Gonzales into the fire, but as soon as they had just started to push, Señora Gonzales spun, and using a judo move, flipped them into the fire. When she realized what she had done, Señora Gonzales tried to save Hansel and Gretel, but the fire was very hot and had burned them beyond recognition in seconds. The other people there reassured her that it was all right, and the police officer that was patrolling the area notified RG that her children had burned to death. After hearing that her children had started the entire thing, RG congratulated Señora Gonzales and went on to live her life happily. The only one who mourned the twin's passing was RM, but by then no one was listening to him anymore. No charges of manslaughter were ever pressed against Señora Gonzales.