I wasn't sure I loved you.

But that night when you came to my house, cold and shivering from the rain…I knew you needed me then. I opened the door and you were standing there, visibly shaken and sad. I took you into my arms, and you held me tightly…as if trying to steal my warmth.

We went into my room, where I attempted to peel you out of your soaking clothes. I was muttering about how you would "catch pneumonia" staying as wet as you were, but you just looked at me…silent. I put my hands on your stomach; pulling up from the hem of your shirt. You put your arms up for me, and it came away. I tried hard – because it was completely inappropriate at the time – not to stare at your chest…the one I'd seen and felt against me so many times.

We'd known each other for a long time. We'd been enemies, best friends, lovers. We'd hated each other, and yet it fueled our passion. And we were passionate, there was no denying that. We were musicians, artists, and artists are known for their passion, are they not? We wrote songs together, were on stage together, and toured together. It was almost like being that close all the time…it drove us apart.

Your shirt was on the ground. I looked up at you, your closed eyes and harsh breathing giving away your feelings. You were hurting, and as always…I was here for you.

I wish I could say the same about you. But you were never there for me. Never. It had never mattered to me before now. At some point, I suppose I must've believed that I loved you; that you could do no wrong in my eyes. But you'd wounded me so deeply that I'd forgotten everything and left my comfort…my music...because of you. I hated you for that. I hated you for stealing music from me. It was my life…and yours too. I suppose that's why I had to stop.

My hands made their way downward to the top of your jeans. After feeling your smooth chest, the coarse denim was rough against my fingers. But I liked it. That's the way I'd always liked it. With a quick glance at you – almost as if asking permission - I undid the button and pulled down the zipper. You flinched when I touched the skin previously covered by your pants. I pulled the heavy material away from you and left you as I went to put the clothes in the dryer.

When I walked back into my room, you were no longer standing, but sitting on the edge of my bed…your head in your hands. Seeing you there, so vulnerable and hurt, I felt a sense of triumph. It was small, but it was there. I wanted you to feel pain. I wanted you to feel what I had felt when I saw you with her. Like shards of glass were tearing at my heart, leaving it open to rot and fester. But at the same time that I was feeling this terrible, wonderful success, I was hurting…seeing you like this. So broken and dejected. I remembered you the way you always were, and it was wrong. You weren't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to be happy and roguish and completely in love with me. But were you ever?

You lifted your head then, and I knew you saw it. You caught that demonic triumph in my face, and I knew you were mad. Your eyes visibly narrowed, and I could all but feel your anger towards me. You stood up and I took a step back. You were looking at me in that way you always did. The way you always did when you were about to

"What the fuck is your problem? Do you get some sick, twisted pleasure out of seeing me like this? I never wanted her, and I told you that. Why don't you believe me?"

You were so close to me that I backed up against the closed door. With those last words, you brought your hand up to my cheek and stroked it. I closed my eyes despite my best efforts.

"Get away from me…"

My voice was so small, so hushed that I wasn't even sure you heard me. But I knew you did when you pinned my hands roughly to my sides and pressed yourself against me. I gasped as I felt your hips dig into mine. I remembered. I remembered the two of us in the tour van, in the backseat…moaning and panting and…feeling.

You put your face close to mine and I could feel your breath on my ear. When you were sure I wasn't going to move, you removed your hands from my arms and placed them on my stomach. As you spoke, one hand made its way up my shirt to cup and squeeze my left breast roughly.

"I never loved her, and you wouldn't let me explain. When will you believe me? I was drunk, she was female. It happens. We were on tour, and you and I had just had a fight. I was angry with you and I didn't know what else to do, okay? I know it was wrong. But what do you want me to say?"

You grabbed me so suddenly that I couldn't help but push my head back and wrap my arms around your neck. I pulled you closer and attempted to kiss you but you kept talking.

"Do you want me to show you? Do you want me to make you see how much I regret it to this day, and how much I still love you?"

You then brought one of your hands down to the top of my pants, unbuttoned my jeans and slipped a cool hand down my panties. I gasped, and you kissed me roughly on the mouth….pushing you tongue inside. When you pulled away, my eyes were still closed and I was breathing heavily. You took my chin in your hands, and made me look at you.

"Do you want me to make you see how much I still fucking want you?"

I shuddered at your words, and I felt heat pool where your hands touched me. You made me gasp…sliding a finger into my wet pussy as you buried your head in my neck. I moaned, my back still pressed up against the wall while you finger-fucked me. You slid another finger in and I arched into your touch.

You knew what to do to me, you always had. We could be the last people on earth, and I could hate you with every fiber of my being…and I would still want you because of that look you gave me. That look that told me everything you were feeling.

You were pressing me forcefully against the wall with every thrust of your fingers. I moaned, and clutched at you; raking my nails along your chest. And just as I felt the throbbing and burning that told me I was about to come, you pulled your fingers out. I whimpered at the loss of contact when you stood away from me. You just stood there, breathing heavily and I watched your chest rise and fall. Your eyes searched mine for some kind of emotion, some kind of response.

That's when the last of my dignity and self restraint fell apart.

I pushed myself off the wall, and slammed into you with such force that you fell down on the bed. I put my knees on either side of your hips and lowered myself down onto you. I loved watching you. Watching your head go back against the pillows, watching you close your eyes and your lips part in a moan as I sat on your hips. I could feel your hard cock through your boxers, pushing against my jeans and I almost lost it. I pushed forward, rocking my hips against yours until we both gasped at the friction.

"Does this mean…you forgive me?"

You had that mischievous look on your face, and that lazy grin that made me wonder if this is what you'd had planned all along. I pushed myself forward again – harder – so that you moaned loudly. I leaned down to tease your nipples with my tongue, and dug my fingernails into your hips. I moved towards your ear and whispered as best I could through my heavy breathing.

"No. This is just sex."

I sat back up to look into your face…to see the affect of my words, maybe even pain, but it wasn't there. You knew I was using you, and you didn't care. Trying to hold you down with you hands, I felt you push your hips up and I knew it didn't matter. This was going to happen, and things would go back to the way they were when it was over. And yet, despite everything, you were still the gentleman.

I wasn't expecting it when you flipped over so I was trapped underneath you. I gasped, and you took the opportunity to slide your tongue in my mouth. Your hands fumbled with my already unbuttoned jeans, and finally you were able to pull them off. You slid your hands up my legs and all but ripped off my panties. You groaned when you saw how wet I was for you, and when I brought my hand down to pinch my clit…you closed your eyes and murmured something that sounded suspiciously like "oh fuck…"

You were having none of it. Looking around my room rapidly, I could tell you were frustrated. Apparently, what you were looking for was nowhere in sight, so you reached down to the floor for the leather belt still strung through my pants. I twisted and struggled as you bound my hands together tightly; so tight that it hurt. You reached above me and pulled my arms up so that my arms were around the bed post, and I was stuck there.

There was no going back after this. You pulled off your boxers and – like always - reached over to my bedside cabinet to pull out a condom. I watched you shut your eyes tightly as you rolled it over your stiff cock. I wanted you so bad then, and I knew you wanted me too as soon as you looked at me. Your eyes had this bizarre way of betraying exactly what you there thinking. That night, they were hungry, angry, hurt and lustful all at the same time.

You were ready for me, and you wanted to pound into me as hard as you could. This I could see. But you didn't. You spread my legs and laid down on top of me, pressing me into the mattress. You head was between my breasts, and you licked them slowly. I arched my back to push them further into your mouth, but you pushed me back down. You pinned me so I couldn't move as you sucked, and nipped at my breasts…teasing me until I cried out in torment.

I was gasping and struggling against the belt that tied my hands; trying to push my hips against yours. You kissed and licked down my body until you came to my opening. You ran a finger down my lips, and blew out a breath straight into my cunt. I moaned and begged for you to fuck me, but again…that lazy smile graced your lips and I knew you were going to draw this out as far as it could go.

I saw stars. Your tongue was licking me, sucking my juices, nipping lightly at my erect clit. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't reason. All I could think about was your hot mouth pulsing between my legs. I pushed my hips forward, and you accepted the invitation this time. Your tongue went deeper inside of me, and I gasped.

As much as sex was wonderful, I was addicted to you eating me out. The first time you ever sucked me off, I thought I was dying. I thought I was dying and I loved every minute of it. I wanted to die over and over again until there was nothing left of me but the feelings. The feeling of your hot tongue inside of my pussy, licking my folds and flicking my clit was insanely erotic. Even more so than sex, I sometimes thought.

I was going to come, and you knew it. You insisted on driving me crazy, making me struggle and squirm underneath you. Making me beg for you to keep going, even when I knew you wouldn't. You pulled away from me when you felt me start to come. Being the horrible, wicked person that you were…you made me wait. You waited until my breathing slowed slightly, until I stopped thrashing, until my eyes opened and I glared at you.

Without any warning whatsoever, you thrust your hips suddenly and your cock was buried inside me. I screamed, and you groaned loudly…the sound muffled because of your head in my breasts once more. I could feel every muscle in your body wanting to push further, deeper….but you held it. You didn't move until your entire restraint was shattered. I hooked my legs around your hips and pushed in time with you. The only sound in the room was that of the bed creaking, our heavy breaths and sighs. You came up and kissed me hard, licking my lips and sucking on my tongue. I moaned into your mouth as I felt my cunt squeeze slightly. You tore your mouth away from mine and grunted, breathing out the words you knew I loved to hear.

"Oh fuck baby…oh…god you're so tight…"

You kissed the underside of my arms, them still being lifted over my head. You reached your hands up and undid the belt from my hands. I brought my arms down and clutched at your back as you started thrusting harder and faster…moaning with each smack of your balls against my ass. You thrust deeper, and stopped. I thought you were going to come, but you merely pulled out of me without a word. I squealed and tried to hold you to me but you were stronger in the end.

You pulled me to you roughly, so that I was sitting up with you in-between my legs. You kissed my neck, and bit down hard on the soft flesh. It was turn to feel you under me, as you rolled over on to your back. I straddled you and pushed myself down…impaling myself on you. You pushed your hips up as I pushed mine down, our perfect timing causing us to go faster and faster. You moved your hands from my hips to squeeze both my breasts as they bounced. I moved up and down, tossing my head back and moaning. I took my hands from your chest and held my hair to the top of my head as I moved and you touched me.

I was going to come. I was going to come so hard and you felt it. You saw my eyes snap open and me bite my lip and gasp. I felt heat gather at the point where our bodies were connected, and I felt my pussy tighten and constrict around your solid dick. You were almost there. I fell hard on the bed as you shoved me to the side, pulling out of me once more. I hated you for it. Thankfully, you wasted no time. We were both too close to waste time.

You then turned me onto my stomach and pushed my head down into the pillow, muffling my scream as you thrust into me from behind. I knew you were going to come, I heard you grunting and gasping and I could feel your cock swelling inside me. Holding my hips tightly, you drove yourself in so deep…hitting the spot that made me lose control.

I was dying again. Pain shot through me as you pumped harder and harder still in my rapidly tightening cunt. It hit me hard, and I loved it. Pain and pleasure go well together, we used to say. You were getting louder and faster; so was I. We were coming together, and it was good and right and finally…everything exploded. On one level I felt the physical part of it, my body going rigid, my inner walls contracting around your cock, my sight blurred and the ringing in my ears. But then, as if from far away, I heard you crying out my name and screaming for me and I knew that this wasn't just sex.

Your hips pushed one last time against my ass and I felt you still. You let out a long breath and collapsed on top of me; your chest against my back. I turned my head to the side as you kissed my neck and whispered the three most amazing, fatal, wonderful, troublesome words that you'd never said to me.

"I love you."

I twisted around and you pulled out of me. I closed my eyes and felt the bed shift as you got up. I heard the smack of latex, and felt warm again as you came back to lay against me. You leaned your head against my chest, kissing my breasts lightly. I stroked your hair with my hand and held you to me. You looked up at me, and I looked at you.

There was no resisting, and no turning back from the evident feeling between us. We both felt it and only I hadn't admitted it to myself. We'd been through so much together and regardless of everything we'd done to each other, we were here again. The way we were supposed to be. You with me, and I with you. It was right.

I sighed and resumed stroking your hair as you closed your eyes and leaned you head back down on my chest. They say spoken fears can come true, and at that moment, I thought that was ok. It has to happen sometime, right? Everyone has to face their fears eventually.

"I love you too."