Feeling emotions and expressing emotions are two distinctly harsh realities that I have come to face and conquer. Ok so maybe just the former of the two.. the latter? I'm working on it. I find it difficult to express my emotions in words, so my artwork does all the 'expressing.' I'm not a narcissistic artist who believes her work is what will save people's lives. No, I'm an artist who knows that her writing abilities suck and feels the need to let out her anxieties through more expressive ways.
I have always felt this insatiable thirst to be the center of attention. Whether it be through my artwork, my 'great' sense of fasion, or my uncanny ability to get stuck in embarassing, and slightly unpleasing situations. Regardless of the circumstance, all eyes have to be on me. I have my shy days though, when I feel less than perfect, I'd rather people look away.
So right now, i've 'painted' this picture of myself that screams: conceited. That's where the mistake is. I'm not conceited. On the contrary I'm insecure. As crazy as it may sound, the more people see me, the more I'm able to hide what I don't want seen. People see what I want them to see and in the process I'm able to hide all my imperfections. It's almost like a game.
So when I paint, I'm able to put on canvas everything else I hide from the world. To my benifit, people don't look past the exterior and just see a pretty painting. It's a win/win situation and it somehow balances my unbalanced high school life.
There are times in your life that everything seems murky. And it's at times like this where you wished you lived anywhere but the place you currently live. I was fortunate to get away from it all. Three thousand miles away to be exact. But I found that no matter how far away you push yourself, the murkiness just doesn't go away. Over time, all the dirt and pollution settles and you can see everything clearly just for the water to become murky all over again. It's a dilemma that I've never fully accepted.
But even just at 16, I've come to deal with it. My past will always be there and no matter how much I dwell on it, it will always stay the same. So here I am, a junior at Grand High with everything I could need at my disposal. But what I want isn't anywhere in sight. So, I've accepted that no matter how much I wish for 'Prince Charming" he'll be no where near attainable. He won't be hidden in the most unsuspected or unpredictable person. He's not 'under my nose' or waiting to be found. He doesn' exist. Just a figment of every teenage girl's imagination and as hard as girls look for the 'one', they fail to see that the 'one' never existed in the first place.
A little cynical, but my ideas aren't new, they've been duly noted in today's society. For every heart broken girl, the very same thoughts have run through their derailed minds. So what do I do to deal? I paint. I paint for every emotion I have yet to feel, and every one I've inevitably already felt. I paint for every perfect face and body that somehow lowers my self-esteem, than surprisingly elates it to a higher level. But most importantly, I paint for me.