June 20, 2017

Dear Reader,

I never thought diaries were useful, I always thought they were just a waste of time and paper, yet here I am. I look back at a lot of things that I've done in the past, both the stupid and the good, and I laugh and cry all at once. Fate can be cruel in so many ways that in the end we become numb to its choices, and yet we are still affected by its hand. Right now I lay in a hospital bed, an RV unit stands next to me and a heart monitor has its rhythmic beats. You see, I'm dying, and there's nothing I can do about it. I do not have false hope that I will survive, I just simply accept what must be, and try to make a difference before I'm gone. I can feel my heart beat slowing every second, but I know that I just won't drop dead, but I fear that the pain is coming. Everything seems so calm, like it is just before the storm.

Colleen R.

June 27, 2017

My doctor visited me today; he's trying to make me make up my mind on whether to live until I die or whether to use doctor assisted suicide. I told him I'd let my body decide, he just shook his head and walked away. I know I should let go of my life before the pain comes, but for some reason I can't let go yet. I feel selfish because I want to live so badly. Tears are running down my face right now because I know that I will die, to know you are to die is a painful thing. It destroys your mind and hope and it leaves you empty deep inside, I'm hollow now, I think I've always been but now I just feel it. To die is to live, to live is to die, to cry is to laugh, but to laugh is to lie. I wonder what would happen if they cremated me and let the wind carry my ashes far away. Would I finally get to travel the world? Would I swim in the ocean and let the tide carry me wherever it may? I do not know the answers to these questions, but somehow, I feel better knowing that…even when I'm gone the world will move on. Time stops for no one, not even for any god out there.

Colleen R.

June 31, 2017

My family visited me today, but none of them could look me straight in the eye. I watched my sister Lauren, who has been on the U.S.A women's soccer team for 7 years now, break down and cry right in front of me when she heard me laugh. My sister Vanessa, a fundraising manager, leave to go after Lauren with tears in her eyes. My brother Jon, a famous tax attorney, became so quiet I hardly thought he was breathing. I was tempted to give him my heart monitor and say 'I think you need this more than me,' but if I said that I knew that it would do no good. My mom has cried so many times since I woke up just 11 days ago, she probably cried even more while I was asleep in my coma. My dad, on the other hand, was the most laid back of them all. He brought his Fender Strat in and played me some songs, but I could see the tears in his eyes as well. They were like a scar, not always visible, but they were still there.

Colleen R.

July 4, 2017

Today I watched the fire works from miles away, memories coming to me of how I would go with my parents and sit along the river to watch them go off when I was younger. It made me sad, but my doctor sat with me, whispering soothing words until I fell asleep. He's sleeping now, his head lies on my bead as I write this, and I watch him for he has so much more time left and he plans to waste it by watching me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not being negative about me dying, but I don't want people to sacrifice anything for me. I'm not worth it, for I cause only pain. Pain to my family, pain to my friends, and pain to my fiancée that I have to break my promise to. I also cause only pain to the child I wanted to have so badly I would have done anything for it. Have you ever woken up and looked into your reflection and did not recognize the person in front of you though your logic screams 'It's you!' at you? I wake up every morning and look at my reflection and guess what I see? I see myself in the future, in my past, and right now, and I see myself laughing and smiling with people all around me. I see myself living even after I'm gone. I see a part of me that will never go away.

Colleen R.

July 10, 2017

The pains have started now, strange spasms that run the length of my body and last for only a second but hurt for so much longer. My body has held together when they happen without warning, but I can feel it giving out. It's getting too tired to carry on for me, too tired to try and live when my brain tells it to. My heart has grown heavy and denies the brains commands with its exhaustion; my body is tearing itself apart not the other way around. My doctor came in again today telling me he was going to try surgery, to see if I could maybe survive. But I think even he knows it's to late now, I think that the world is just waiting until I fall asleep and never wake up again.

Colleen R.

July 24, 2017

My body is so weak; it hurts to write this entry. My right arm is completely useless, it doesn't move at all anymore. My doctors are confused about that; they can't understand why my body is starting to paralyze itself. I tell them it's just my body's way of shutting down. I won't let my family in any more, I can't stand the pain I see in there eyes as they look at me. They've always looked at me with sadness, but never before have they looked at me with a grief that could kill. It looks like a mother losing her child over and over again, and it's breaking my heart. My brother begs me to open the door, but I tell him no over and over and over again. They finally leave and I'm left here to cry alone. If they ever read this I hope they know that it hurts me so much to be without the people I love in my final moments. They doctor will now even admit that I will die. He does not say it, no, but it's in his eyes. His eyes are so open that a child could read them and start to cry, for even though it has no idea what he's sad about it understands the emotion he feels.

Colleen R.

July 31, 2017

My final entry, my final moments of my life, and I have so much to tell with not enough time to say it. I would like to say just this: Life is fragile, time is limited, I too am guilty of taking advantage of it. Maybe someday, when I am gone, my sisters will give birth to their children. They know how much I wanted to have kids, but sadly I'll never have the chance now. Mother, father, brother, sisters, I love you; I love you with everything in this heart of mine. Let the night be my lullaby so that it sings you to sleep and let the moon be my heart so that it and the stars will always watch over you. I don't fear death now, I think I embrace it. You may think me mad, but hear me out now. I have lived for almost two months waiting for this moment with dread, taking everything from the pain and sadness to the murderous grief that I've felt, and I believe it's about time I was given a chance to rest. I know that once I close my eyes I will never wake up again, but I don't fear that any more. What I fear is how the people I left behind will handle my death, but I know that they won't do anything stupid. I love them all so much I don't think…..

August 1, 2017

My name is Nick and I loved Colleen. She was to be my bride and I her groom. We were to be wed today, August 1, but fate had a different plan. Colleen had been in a car accident, a drunk driver ran a red light and the rest is history. That was four months ago. Instead of being just injured she had gone into a comma. While she was in that comma her body had gone into shock damaging itself and her brain at the same time. If there is one thing I would want to tell someone about Colleen it would be that Colleen was strong in body, mind, and spirit. She loved all she could and cared for what she couldn't. She would have made an amazing doctor. Sadly, one mans choice destroyed her future. When I found this journal, I also found a letter meant for me and it said this:

"Nick, I love you, I always have, so don't you dare cry for me. When I die, I want the last thoughts of me in your head

to die too. Don't hold onto what you can't keep, Nick, you of all people should know that. I hope you know I loved you

very much, and I never wanted to hurt you like this. I want you to go out there and find another girl, Nick, a girl that

loves you just as much as I still do, and a girl that can keep your promise. I couldn't and for that I am sorry.

Wow, isn't this a happy letter. I just want to make sure you let go of me, I'm not coming back anytime soon, and I can't

give you anything since I'm dead. I will watch over you forever Nick, so if you're not happy I'll know.

Love is eternal,

Colleen R."

Saying good-bye is heard, but it's saying 'I love you,' that takes courage. Don't hesitate to tell someone that because you never know what you've got till it's gone. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. So with this entry I am giving Colleen what she wants, I'm letting go of her. I'll never stop loving her, and I'll always keep this with me so I have a part of her, but I'm not going to ruin my life since I know she wouldn't want that. Someday I'll be with her again, until then I'll just have to keep on living.

Dr. Nick Peterson Doctor of Colleen Ryan


So what'd you guys think? I have never really liked writing in diary format, but I found this one fun and meaningful. If anyone didn't understand the ending the doctor Colleen keeps talking about is Doctor Nick in the last entry, who was her fiancee.

R&R please!

Luv always,

SL