Chapter Seventeen: Illusions of Vindication

Sakuri: Harper, you're such a clueless little thing sometimes…

2hot2bStraight says: so u think she's gonna tell?

I'm(Not)Okay says: of course she is. she's amy. amy tells everythin

2hot2bStraight says: I told u this'd happen if u stayed around me

I'm(Not)Okay says: I think uv said 'I told u so' one 2 many times today…

2hot2bStraight says: whatever. look, jus go in tomorrow an say u don't know wat she's talking about. if u stay away from me it'll blow over soon enough

I'm(Not)Okay says: stay away from u? y?

2hot2bStraight says: well I'm assuming u don't want the crap kicked out of u on a regular basis…

I'm(Not)Okay says: well, yeah, but still. I'll jus say I don't know wat she's talking about but otherwise we'll carry on as normal

2hot2bStraight says: nothing normal about it.

I'm(Not)Okay says: tru

2hot2bStraight says: wudn't it b easier 4 u to jus avoid me? not being all self-sacrificing here, jus statin a fact

I'm(Not)Okay says: easier, not better

2hot2bStraight says: there's a difference?

I'm(Not)Okay says: look, I don't kno about u, but I liked today. Apart from the last bit, it was the most fun I'v had in ages.

2hot2bStraight says: so?

I'm(Not)Okay says: so I guess I'd like to do it again…

2hot2bStraight says: …u r so blushing right now, aren't u?

I'm(Not)Okay says: no!

2hot2bStraight says: lmao! liar

I'm(Not)Okay says: shut up. I'll cya tomorrow, k?

2hot2bStraight says: we'll see. By then u might hav changed ur mind about avoidin me

2hot2bStraight has logged off.

Bewildered, I closed down the conversation box and sat staring at a blank screen for a few moments, attempting to figure out why he was so insistant I 'avoid him', as he put it. Maybe it was a hint. Did he want me to avoid him? Was this his way of letting me down gently? Maybe our date earlier hadn't been up to his standards…

Sighing, I clamped down on my rushing insecurities. Sadly, I was used to this frame of mind.

I stretched lazily, cracking my spine slightly and making myself wince. Okay, now to fulfil my promise to Kit lest she kill me slowly come tomorrow morning. Standing, I crossed the room toward my bed, grabbing the cordless phone from its stand on the way and flopping down onto the mattress with it in hand. Habitually, I punched in the correct number and waited for her to answer.

After three rings she responded, sounding as if I'd woken her up. "Hello…?"

I glanced at my watch, realising it was surprisingly late. Half twelve.

"Uhm, hi," I said in greeting. "You told me to call."

She grumbled short-temperedly at the other end of the phone. "What, you only just got back?"

"Bout thirty minutes ago, yeah."

She sighed, the sound crackling along the connection. "Well, go on then. How was it?"

And so I told her. Everything from the film, to the clothes shop, to the kiss, to Amy. She listened in silence, taking it in. At one point I wondered if she'd fallen asleep, and had to check to be sure.

As I got to the end of my story, involving the MSN conversation I'd just had, I could practically see her shaking her head in exasperation.

Sure enough, her next words were, "God Harper, you're such an idiot sometimes."

Indignant, I sat up on my bed. "Me? What'd I do?!"

"For one, you were stupid enough to get caught."

I scowled. "Yeah, well that could have happened to anyone."

"Oh please. You were making out in a public place – somewhere you know half the school visits. Just for the pure stupidity of that you deserve to be outed."

Alone in my room, I sighed and curled up near my pillow, knowing she was right. With the phone still pressed to my ear, I listened as she went on.

"And as for Lucca supposedly hinting that you two should separate for a while – maybe you're right. Did it occur to you that by getting caught, you're making things worse for him as well?! God, he's treated badly enough as it is, this is only gonna set a fuse to the whole situation."

"But –"

"Did I say I was finished? Harper, face it, this is a pretty big mess, and it's not gonna go away by claiming Amy's lying. You know what she's like, and the rest of the school for that matter. If a lie is more interesting than the truth, which do you think they'll believe? Of course, it hardly helps that in this case, it is the truth…"

Fearing there was more, I hesitated a few seconds before daring to speak. "Are you done?"

"…For now."

"So…" Miserably, I pulled a cushion against my chest, trying to phrase my next question. "Are you saying… I really should stay away from him…?"

Her tone turned sympathetic in an instant. "Honey, I know you don't want to listen to me, but don't you think I have a point? Think about it. You've been at that school all your high-school life, but Lucca's the new-and-already-hated guy. Which of you do you think is gonna get the brunt of this?"

"But why can't we just pretend like… like none of it's true?"

"Because it won't matter. Look at James. Can you imagine how he'd react if he thought you were still hanging round Lucca after that rumour gets out tomorrow? And he's your friend! God knows how others'll take it…"

"Kit… I don't want to avoid him." Aware of how pathetic I sounded, I pulled the quilt tighter around me and clutched the phone against my ear.

I imagined her shrugging. "I'm not saying you have to. I'm just pointing out your options. Whichever you think is best, I guess…"

For a second, I hated her, because she'd just pointed out everything I'd dreaded.

I walked to school as usual, with Kit at my side, but for once, we didn't speak. We walked in silence. At one point, she reached out and brushed her fingers against mine but I pulled away quickly. I didn't want to be mad at her – after all, she wasn't to blame – but I was. Like that moment the previous night, I hated her. She'd shoved me mercilessly into reality.

I'm sure she noticed my attitude, but she didn't say anything.

I think I got two steps onto school grounds before the whispering started. Geez, had she passed it round already? She must have run up a phone bill telling everyone last night.

Sighing, I drew myself up and attempted to ignore them. It's not like I'd ever been popular anyway, but in a way that made it even worse. I wasn't someone used to attention, especially on this scale… especially hostile attention.

I'd never felt so conspicuous in my life. People I'd never spoken to before were openly staring at me – or so it felt. Maybe I was just being paranoid; just imagining it. I glanced at Kit to check, but her straight-ahead glare told me it was all too real.

That's when I started to listen to what was being said.

"…kissed…"

"…queer…"

"…is he…?"

Oh God. They knew. They all knew. Everyone.

I looked at the floor as I walked, wanting to be swallowed by it. I could do this, I told myself, all the while wondering if it would be the final fatal blow to my reputation if I grabbed Kit's hand and ran.

Not that I got the chance to find out.

"Harper!"

Promptly, my step faltered and I froze, simultaneously turning five shades of pale. I looked up to see one James Madden stalking toward me.

"Oh God…"

Swiftly, Kit grasped the front of my hoodie, preventing me from fleeing. Damn her. She knew me too well.

In seconds, James was no more than paces away. He cast several sidelong glances around the corridor as he approached, narrowing his eyes at those who stared. When he reached me, his hand shot out and grabbed my arm, dragging me off to the side, into relative privacy. Kit followed, looking nonplussed.

Annoyed, I yanked away from him as he turned on me. I'd never seen him so agitated, so… furious. With me.

"Tell me it isn't true."

I stared at him. As always, some defiant part of me wanted to turn around and confirm everything. I'd been wanting to do that for so long now it seemed ridiculous I hadn't yet. I wanted to shock him – horrify him, if need be.

But I wouldn't. I was too much of a coward for that, and I knew it.

Schooling my expression into one of indignity, I let out a scornful noise. "Of course it isn't! James, for God's sake!"

He looked slightly taken aback, but the glare didn't fade. "Then what's everybody talking about?" he demanded.

I shrugged. "I've only just heard it this morning! I have no idea what the fuck is going on!"

James only shook his head and jabbed a finger into my chest. "You asked for this!" he accused. "I told you this would happen, Harper!"

I stayed silent, unsure how to respond.

Finally, he huffed and turned on his heel. "C'mon."

Not knowing what else to do, I followed.

Kit stared hard at me, but said nothing.

I sat down to the ominous buzz of silence. No classroom should ever be silent. When it is, there is, without fail, something drastically wrong. Well, either that or there's a new and unfailingly entertaining piece of gossip in the air.

I was betting on the latter. Or maybe both, depending on your point of view.

James took the seat next to me, radiating tension. He was still furious, I could tell, but I wasn't sure if it was with me or the 'rumour' itself. Again, it was probably both.

Glancing around, I realised absolutely no one was looking at me directly. The teacher was late, leaving an entire class of teenagers either to confront me or snigger while I wasn't looking. James stared fixedly at the desk, irritably tapping a pencil, and I didn't share this class with Kit. Lucca wasn't even in school yet, as far as I knew.

It hit me abruptly how defenceless I was in that moment.

Irrationally afraid, I sunk down in my chair and busied myself searching for a pen and the correct workbook. My nerves were on edge and I could feel my face heating up with embarrassment.

A burst of giggles from behind me made me twitch. I flushed and turned to see Laura and her friend watching me with unabashed amusement. Not knowing how to respond, I quickly faced front again.

As if that first giggle had broken the spell, more of them started up from every direction, along with the whispers.

I suppose you think I'm exaggerating things, right? It sounds so over the top, I'm aware, for this to be made such a big deal of. But my school's pretty small in comparison to most, and scandal, even the slightest, is… rare, shall we say.

Then again, you know my paranoia by now, so there's always a chance I'm blowing things out of proportion. Only a chance, mind.

Laura was still tittering, grating on my scraped nerves. I grit my teeth and told myself not to do anything.

I didn't have to.

In a flash, James had twisted in his chair and slammed a palm down on the girls' desk.

"Why don't you just shut the hell up!"

This, it seemed, was the funniest thing they'd heard yet. I slipped further down in my seat, raising a hand to cover my eyes.

The girls sniggered and 'aaawed' in a horribly girl-like fashion. "Oooh, look! I think Harper's got another boyfriend!"

"What?!" James practically yelled, obviously disgusted. "He doesn't have any boyfriend! He's straight!"

Another voice, a boy's, spoke up. "Not what we've heard."

"Yeah, Amy even saw it!"

Soon they were all contributing, arguing for my guilt. I was the proverbial deer in headlights, unable to speak, to protest, to lie. I was panicking, frozen in place and incapable of defending myself. All that kept replaying in my head was, They knew…!

James sneered, retaking his seat (at some point he'd jumped up in anger). "Just ignore them," he snapped in my direction. It occurred to me he might be better taking some of his own advice.

They didn't believe me, that much was obvious. Kit had been right. If the truth was boring in comparison to the lie, the lie would win out every time.

I do realise I'm beginning to blur the line between truth and lie.

Walking along the corridor in between Kit and James was an experience. Most of the school hadn't known I'd been breathing the same air as them a single day ago, and now it seemed the general idea was for as many people as possible to point, stare, snigger or whisper when they saw me. I'd done the impossible. I'd unanimously attracted the attention of every sub-culture in the school, from the goths to the trend setters and everyone in between.

Next to me, acting as if she noticed nothing unusual about the day so far, Kit chattered on about what colour hair she was planning next.

"Well, the main ones are gone. I've done blue, purple and pink. What about… red? Like bright red. What do you think? Or maybe a turquoise kinda thing. I saw that in a magazine the other day – it looked amazing, but only if it's done right. Or I suppose I could go for platinum blond or something, for a change… I'll ask 'Manda."

James snorted and leaned around me to glare at her. "Like Amanda will care whatever trashy colour you're going to dye your hair next…"

I could have told him that no one calls Kit 'trashy' and gets away pain-free, but I was too busy with my own worried train of thought, so I let them get on with it.

Kit's eyes widened at the insult before her expression darkened. "Just because she wouldn't give some people the time of day doesn't mean she's not perfectly civil to the rest of us."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

A derisive noise answered that question. "What do you think, dumbass? Amanda hates you."

"Shut up, Kit, that's a lie!" Incensed, James actually stopped walking. He stood with his fists clenched at his sides, eyes spitting daggers at the violet-haired girl who faced him.

Also coming to a halt, Kit placed a hand on her hip and rolled her eyes. "Believe whatever gets you through the night, honey, but I speak perfect truth. I know her, and I know who she does and doesn't like. Guess which list you're on."

"Fuck you!"

"You wish."

Before it could get out of hand – since I could see James's complexion turning the ominous purple of fury – I stepped between them and forced them apart.

"Yeah, this is what we need," I hissed, trying not to be overheard by an entire hallway of students. "More attention on us. Thanks, guys,"

"…She started it…"

Kit sneered. "Shut up."

Exasperated with the two of them, I merely shook my head. "Can't you give it a rest? Don't you think we have bigger problems right now than which of you Amanda likes better?!"

James turned on me then, apparently deciding Kit was too much of an unmovable target. "Yes, Harper, we do. Problems that you started and refused to put a stop to when you had the chance."

"Leave him alone," Kit jumped in swiftly, moving in front of me as if I was something to be protected. "You have nothing to do with –"

"The hell I don't. Do you think Harper's the only one getting dirty looks around here?! For God's sake, we're getting ripped to shreds just for standing near him!"

"No one's asking you to stay!"

This was impossible. They were never going to get along, or even be civil. It was a miracle they could be in the same room without killing each other! Why was I even trying…?

Giving up, I turned away from them and ran a hand through my hair. This day could not possibly get any worse.

Mistake. Right there. Never say those words!

Looking up, I set eyes upon the one thing that could make this day several times worse. Lucca, walking toward me, dressed as slutty as ever in black shorts, purple fishnets, knee-high boots and ankle-length leather jacket. Oh for the love of–

I blanked. What was I supposed to do again…? He'd seen me as well, amber eyes fixing inquisitively on me. Something about avoiding…? Uhm… why?

And then Kit was there, placing a hand on my back. The touch jump-started me, making me remember everything we'd talked about on the phone and the hours of thinking I'd done since then. Still, I was frozen, staring at him as he strode toward us. God he was gorgeous–

No! No, bad thoughts. Must. Stick. To. Plan.

"Harper…"

The whisper barely registered. Since I was already too busy arguing with myself. I could do this. Sure, it'd hurt and make me horribly depressed for who knew how long… but this wasn't for me, was it? Kit's logic was ingrained into me. If I didn't put a stop to this, he'd be the one to take the worst hits. I had to do this for him.

He was within reach now, and I noticed a small flicker of smile pass over his face, probably aimed at me. What else could I do?

I turned away. I kept my expression blank. I stepped out of his path and began to walk. I didn't look back.

This was for the best. He wouldn't understand at first, if he even cared all that much, but that wouldn't matter. I knew I was justified.

I was.

When James appeared at my side, gripping my shoulder in an approving fashion, I resisted the urge to hit him.

Sakuri: I tried not to make you wait as long this time. I actually have a plan for the next few chapters, so hopefully they won't be as random and infrequent as before.

Read and review please…?