Chapter One: Keturah the Billionaire

Once upon a time, in a land called "I Don't Know", Kastle and It were about to get married. This was a very bad thing for everyone involved, because as you will see, they hated each other terribly and were constantly arguing. After a while everyone became very tired of this, and as the wedding day approached there were various individuals with schemes to separate the quarreling pair.

"Why are they even getting married?" Lydia asked Whitney one day, after being forced to listen to a horrific argument in the supermarket.

"Well you see, Keturah is a rich billionaire and-"

"Let me guess. David's marrying her for the money."

"Of course I am!" said David, who had crept up behind them without their knowledge. "Why else would I even get near that ugly monster?" Lowering his voice conspiratorially, he continued, "I don't actually have much of a choice in the matter. My friends and I had this brilliant idea to have one of us marry Keturah so that we could steal her billions of dollars. They seemed to think I was the best one for the job, which, I have to admit I am."

"And why is that?" asked Whitney skeptically, raising her eyebrow.

"Because I'm so gorgeously sexy, that's why. I'm a supermodel!" He then proceeded to strike a dramatic pose.

"Oh, so that's why she's marrying you." Lydia laughed a little at that. "I hope she can get over your insufferably arrogant personality."

"She won't have to... as soon as I've collected every last cent of her money, I'll be gone. So don't worry about it." With a smile and a wave, David strolled out of the store.

"You really don't like him, do you?" commented Whitney after he had disappeared from sight."

"Hate him," replied Lydia sourly. "I don't know how Keturah can stand it."


Humming The Star-Spangled Banner to herself, Keturah Castleton was busily preparing for her upcoming marriage to the single most awful person on the entire planet (or that was how she thought of it anyway–others, such as a secret admirer of David's who was planning to break up the wedding, might not have thought of him in quite the same way). At the moment she was busily applying a thick layer of makeup to her face. Once finished, Kastle grinned happily at her appearance and examined herself in the mirror. The dress she was was hot pink, covered in frills, and had little bows all over it; a huge matching ribbon was placed in her hair, which she had curled into ringlets herself. There was a large amount of pink eyeshadow on her eyelids to heighten the whole 'pink' effect. Overall, Kastle thought it looked fantastic.

There was a knock on her bedroom door and Whitney, her best and most trusted friend, entered the room. "Are you done getting ready yet? You've only been in here for the whole day so far!"

"I must look absolutely perfect for my wedding. Well, what do you think? Maybe I should have worn my brown dress instead."

Glancing over at Kastle's brown "dress", which looked more like a brown flour sack than anything else, Whitney said hastily, "No, you look lovely, dear."

Keturah smiled with joy at this, and escorted Nit-Wit into one of her many dining rooms for some tea.

"What lovely china you have," her friend commented. "I've been meaning to mention it on numerous occasions; it must be very expensive."

"Why yes..." Kastle, a little disturbed by the intensity with which Whitney was staring at her fine china, searched for something else to talk about. "Umm... are you all right?"

"I could sell the whole set for quite a decent price..." the Nit-Wit was murmuring to herself. "What? Oh, yes, sorry... actually, I came here to ask you a serious question. Why are you marrying David Floren? The two of you don't seem very fond of each other. I'm just worried that it, well, might not be in the best interests of either of you."

"I guess I really don't know why. As a billionaire I just have to have an attractive husband, I suppose. It just wouldn't do for someone as rich as me to have an ugly one, would it? I mean, I have the best of everything else... why not this as well?"

Whitney sighed. "Well, were I the marrying type (which I'm not–my profession doesn't give me time for such things), I wouldn't necessarily consider someone the best choice for marriage just because they're handsome, especially if I hated them terribly." Smiling dreamily, she continued on, "Maybe a cute dairy farmer..."

"What exactly is your profession, if I may ask?" inquired Kastle, surprised to find that after all their years of friendship, she still didn't know. It was also surprising to note the deep shade of red Whitney had turned as she stumbled to find an answer.

"Well, I... er, well you see..." She was spared from answering, fortunately for her, by a loud knock at the door.

That was a close one, Nit-Wit thought, and hurried away while Keturah went to answer it.

Meanwhile, at the front door, David was staring at a small bug scuttling across the front porch. Why can't I be a bug for a day? he thought. Then I wouldn't have to marry anyone, least of all Keturah.

Apparently reading his thoughts, the bug said, "I feel sorry for you, really! It's not too late to back out."

"Whatever," said David and, deciding to take his bad mood out on the bug, he squished it under his foot and smeared its remains all over the front porch. It had been a very big bug.

"Oh, hi David!" exclaimed Keturah as she opened her front door. He jumped backwards a few feet in alarm, looking her up and down.

What is that horrid PINK thing she's wearing? It makes her look like a flamingo... a really ugly one.

"You look terrible," he stated bluntly. This, to say the least, was the wrong thing to say.

"Oh really? I look terrible? Well you... look..." she stopped, staring at him rapturously. David generally had that effect on people, and normally he simply would have thought it was funny. This, however, was Keturah. Ew.

"I came to give you this," he muttered, and thrust a large bouquet of freshly picked dandelions into her hands.

"Oh... right then..."

He turned around and began to leave, but had the feeling she was still watching him and glanced back one last time. He immediately wished he hadn't.

Keturah... is... checking me out. EWW!